This may turn out to be a bit of a meandering rant, but here goes...
I got a call from an old friend this evening. She and her husband were mutual friends of XWW and I, but had been out of touch for a while. They were latecomers to the news of my situation. By the time we told them, we already had our court date set.
Anyway, this friend of mine is adamant that we're rushing into divorce too soon, that our marriage can be saved, etc.. Of course, I agreed with her that the problems that my XWW had cited as her reasons for wanting a divorce were hardly insurmountable, that she was acting in a way that was immature and short-sighted, but the time for trying to fix the marriage was long past. She cheated. She didn't regret it, and she wasn't changing her mind about leaving me. What was I supposed to do? She seemed to be laying a guilt trip on me for giving up too easily, even though I tried to tell her that it was XWW who had given up on the marriage, and I had to detach from it for my own health and sanity.
When she called this evening, she wanted to see how I was doing, but she still seemed very invested in whether I was still holding on to any hope of restoring the marriage. Honestly, I hedged a bit, because I didn't have the heart to tell her that my love for XWW was dead and I wouldn't take her back if she begged me. Frustratingly, she tells me that I should focus on myself, on behaving towards her in a way that might change her feelings towards me. Again, she missed the part where I tried to save the marriage by doing just that. Sorry, but I'm not doing that again. Not for her.
It was just a hard and frustrating conversation to get through. Everything she said about marriage was right as befits someone who had been married for 19 years, but she just didn't seem to be able to grasp that were just were not in marriage-saving territory anymore.
But the most frustrating thing is that at the end of the conversation, she tells me that she's not taking sides, that she still wants to be a friend to both of us.
I smiled and nodded, but quietly I had the same reaction that I have had every time any of our mutual friends take this stance. I think, "Why the hell aren't you taking sides?"
If it hadn't been for the infidelity, that would be one thing. But shouldn't cheaters have to experience social consequences for what they do? Isn't that what society is supposed to do: reward pro-social behavior and punish antisocial behavior? I mean, if you're not willing to shun the person, then at least keep on applying pressure for her to make amends for what she's done. I'm sick and tired of people acting as if the good and noble thing is to love her and accept her in spite of her outrageous behavior.
They say they don't want to take sides, but I need people on my side! XWW's friends had no problem siding with her against me, and enabling her cruel, heartless betrayal, and now I'll never be able to speak to them again.
I feel like there have been so few people who have been willing to actually back me up in a way that feels satisfying, and the rest are just trying not to step on anyone's toes. Cowards, I say.
These people mean well, and I feel like I can't cut myself off from them when they have shown genuine kindness and concern for me, but I really, really need some new friends.
[This message edited by dbellanon at 5:28 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]