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Can't decide if I should say something.

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HeaveeHeart posted 9/26/2013 17:35 PM

My WBF and I are trying to work things out. So far things have gone in as positive direction as they can all things considered.

Last night I had a dream that we were out at a bar and I was sitting at one table and he was at another with a friend of his, talking to two young, attractive women. I was just waiting and waiting for him to come sit with me, but he didn't. So I got up and asked him to step away with me to talk. We did and I don't remember the conversation we had, I just know I was crying in my dream...which bled into the real world. I ended up sleep crying.

I awoke to the sounds of my own wimpers and to him cuddling up next to me and rubbing my back to settle me down. I was instantly comforted and fell back to sleep.

I wasn't planning on mentioning anything about the dream because I know it is my subconscious just playing out scenarios for me. Bringing to the forefront the abandonment and insecurity issues that come with this kind of hurt. As I was getting ready for work he asked me if I was crying in my sleep and what I was dreaming I told him.

I could tell he was bothered by the dream. It was a moment of making my hurt a reality, I think. I'm a cool and calm person by nature and I'm not prone to emotional tantrums and fits, not even in this kind of situation. I'm more of a logical "Okay, we have a problem. Let's evaluate first if we WANT to fix it, then come up with a plan to make it happen" kind of person, but that doesn't mean I'm NOT feeling or that I'm NOT hurt...or that my head ISN'T spinning at a hundred miles an hour in seven different directions. I just don't show it. I think the revelation of my dream caught him off guard. Before we parted ways he hugged me and kissed me and said he was sorry he made me dream bad stuff.

All day I've been going over in my head rather or not I should have even told him about the dream? Should I talk to him more about it? I really want to let him know that while I do feel those things, and legitimately so, that waking up from the dream and having him there, holding me was just so comforting. I don't want him to go around all day feeling like jerk of the year because he made me "dream bad stuff". True, his terrible mistake did lead to it, but I don't want to waste time making him feel punished. At the same time I don't want to dismiss my feelings that probably need dealt with. It is like I want to take the opportunity to build him up because I know he's got hurt, too...but I don't want to make it seem like it is "no big deal". Does any of that make sense?

Rebreather posted 9/26/2013 17:37 PM

I can never why it would be wrong to continue to talk about things that are real and cause us pain.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 9/26/2013 17:58 PM

I can very much relate to not wanton to punish him. I also relate to your logical and calm approach. And your comments about how just because you are trying to work through it doesn't mean that you don't feel the pain.
I try to stay positive and get through each day. If I have a moment that he sees or that I feel I need to share- bad I don't share them all- I make sure to do two things. First, Be honest - it is important the we both understand and acknowledge that he did hurt me and it is a very big deal. But secondly- I make sure I tell him what he has done/is doing that makes it better. I DO NOT reassure him that who he was during the A was okay- I reassure him that he is being the man I know he truly is an I am specific about what it is he is doing right.
I admire your positive outlook and compassion that you feel for him. I am trying to take the same approach with mine. I have to caution myself an take care not to ignore my feelings or minimalize the trauma. I do have boundaries and deal breakers that he is aware of.
Best o luck to both of you. Stay strong.

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