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When you first found out about Affair....

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ruinedandbroken posted 9/26/2013 19:59 PM

Did anyone's spouse have more than one OW/OM?

Long story short: When I found out about A, I went into his email and found innapropriate emails between xh and one of his employees "Mary"(he was an assistant principal at a middle school). Then I called the phone number that appeared a million times on our phone bill and it said, "Hi you just reached "Jane Smith" who was a teacher at my sons' school.) Then when I confided in a mutual friend that worked at his school, she said he was seen locking himself in his office with "Sally" and taping paper on the window so no one could see in. So I was completely confused. I brushed off "Jane Smith" because I thought, they would both have to be crazy to do that where our kids go to school. I didn't know what to think about "Sally" "Mary" was the only one I had physical proof of so I was certain it was her. So I was still snooping in his emails at the time and it seemed that he ended things with "Mary" but yet he still would not return home. I did not understand. Everyone was telling me, "Ruinedandbroken, there is no way he is not with someone" But I was in denial. So anyway, fast foward 6 months, my kids come home telling me that they spend a lot of time with "Jane Smith", a teacher down the hall from my DS1! I found out shortly after that she left her ex and they were planning on marriage. (She ended up breaking up with him 3 months later...Aaaawh, poor baby!)

So anyway, it appears that he was having 2 flings with employees at his school with one full blown sexual affair with teacher at my DS's school.

Is this unusual? Has anyone else's OP had more than one at a time? Is this sexual addiction? He later got fired from his job because he was sleeping with a parent who was married. Her H called the school board and they found all kinds of evidence on his work laptop. (Pictures, emails, lord knows what else.)

Anyway, I'm just curious really. When people ask who the OW is I never really know who to say. I know he left me for "Jane Smith" but there was definitely something going on with the other two as well.

Effed up, huh?

Yay for me! .....NOT!

cayc posted 9/26/2013 20:20 PM

Um, read my tag line. And yes there were overlaps & repeats.

Sexual addiction is like any addiction, the drive to have sex overwhelms all caution to the point that an SA wIll seek out strangers, have sex in inappropriate places, in places that increase the risk that they''ll get caught. They may have A relationships too, but the focus is on having to get sex at all costs.

Philanderers otoh just always need a primary woman as a foil (to hate, to hide behind, to justify why they deserve the OW) ie the wife, and then they always either have an OW and / or are always making sure the pipeline stays primed with OW options. Philanderers are usually charming, and their charm & focus on you is what got you hooked in the first place. They are also liars, so they lie about everything, shading the truth, saying what needs to be said so they they look good. They also are generally manipulative and are skilled at pulling weak women who are more likely to buy the lies. They''re preternaturally good at gaslighting & blame shifting & making you think you''re crazy & it''s your fault.

SAs can be treated like addicts, ie there is hope for them. A slim hope, but it''s there. I personally think philanderers are lost causes. A few SI-ers are giving R a go with SAs with varying degrees of success, but idk any member who has a remorseful philanderer on their hands. I suppose it''s possible, but probable? Not a bet I would ever take.

[This message edited by cayc at 8:22 PM, September 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]

Nature_Girl posted 9/26/2013 20:24 PM

Just tell people the truth. Your husband was cheating with many different women. It's not harder than saying he left you for one specific woman.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/26/2013 21:26 PM

Mine definitely fits the "good looking, charming, liar. Saying whatever to make himself look good - gaslighting, blame shifting, etc. Do philanderers have more than one woman at once?

Nature Girl...I'm mostly just curious if anyone else has a similar story, that's all.

Nature_Girl posted 9/26/2013 21:45 PM

Cayc, normally I value your advice highly. But this time I disagree strongly with your characterization of philanderer vs sex addict. The description you gave of a philanderer is a description of a SA. If disinformation like this were to become widespread it could doom spouses of SA's to further time spent & wasted trying to redeem a partner who isn't going to be redeemed, no matter what label is assigned to them. To state that SA's have hope of getting better is to assign false hope except in the rarest of rare cases.

trebleclef posted 9/27/2013 01:04 AM

Oh yeah.
When I first suspected something, I was convinced OW was his employee with whom he spent hours each day, spent 1000s of $ on, openly dated, phoned dozens of times a day, and commented regularly on her smile, eyelashes, ripped body etc. Imagine my stunned surprise after i confronted him
when he finally confessed that he was having an A with his Asian ESL student. I honestly thought he was throwing this innocent woman under the bus in order to protect employee. I didn't believe him. I insisted he "prove" it to me. Eventually I came to realize that he was in fact screwing ESL student/sex worker. He insisted there was nothing between him and employee. Until I asked him if ESL student knew about Employee. He answered, "no, she'd be ticked".
BINGO. I'm not convinced it wasn't a PA ( she had slept with her former married boss - and I have an acquaintance who heard her brag during that time period about having an A with a married man) however, it most certainly WAS every bit a wholehearted EA. Yup. Simultaneous A's. Sick. G'bye.

[This message edited by trebleclef at 1:05 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 9/27/2013 01:58 AM

Yep, mine had multiple 'just friends'.

The final nail was admitted PA with OW he recycled from 2007. At that time he also had COW EA (at a minimum but strong indications PA at my house) in same state, COW EA (probably also PA) in other state he was working in, inappropriate flirtations with neighbour and goodness knows who else.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/27/2013 08:50 AM

Wow! I had no idea. I thought mine was the only sicko. Are these symptoms of a sexual addiction? Idk if the relationship with the co-workers were physical or not but it wouldn't surprise me. I don't know how he found the time to juggle all these women!

HurtsButImOK posted 9/27/2013 08:58 AM

In my situation I don't believe it is sexual addiction. My X is just a weak, selfish manchild who needs constant validation from random females to feel good about himself.

brokenandconfuse posted 9/27/2013 10:25 AM

In my situation I don't believe it is sexual addiction. My X is just a weak, selfish manchild who needs constant validation from random females to feel good about himself.

That is what is underneath all SA's.

Yes, My stbx had and still has multiple women on the line constantly and is still trying to get to me and everything he does is someone elses fault. I am sorry that you are going through this. IC is very important.

chikastuff posted 9/27/2013 11:28 AM

In my PERSONAL opinion, I think the SA label is a bullshit attempt at excusing bad behavior. They're not "sick", they're just assholes.

My ex is a philanderer and fits the description above to a "T". And yes, he's just a shitty person all around. But he's not a sex addict.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/27/2013 15:02 PM

I think what underpins most addictions or propensity for addictions are FOO issues. Could be SA,AA etc so validation is likely a common theme.

My X is a garden variety arsehole, no addiction label required.

He requires constant validation for everything he does and this can be received from man, woman or child. Wipe a benchtop = standing ovation needed.

My X would also love a label, it would mean never having to accept responsibility for deliberate choices.

sorry to t/j ruinedandbroken

HurtsButImOK posted 9/27/2013 15:08 PM

When people ask

I just say I didn't like his girlfriends

Gemini71 posted 9/27/2013 21:09 PM

The Saturday after DD#2, we got our weekly visit from the JWs (my STBXH loved to talk and debate with them). I told them that I was sorry, but WH didn't live here anymore, he's deciding which girlfriend to live with. They asked when this happened, and I replied, "It happened when I found out he had girlfriends." I've also told people that my STBXH left because I wouldn't let him date other people.

It was a lot simpler than explaining the whole sordid story, but is close enough to the truth that I wasn't lying. I have nothing to hide, but not everyone needs the full details.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/28/2013 11:08 AM

Wow, I find this very interesting. I'm not sure I believe in labels either. I guess I don't know much about what a SA or Philaderer is? Just trying to figure out why someone would want 2 flings and full full on sexual affair with a wife and kids at home.

We owned a house together. He had a good job. He saw his kids every day. Now he's a one day a week, EOW dad. He rents an apt. He lost his job so he works as a bartender. He moved to the beach where a lot of college kids live, bars, etc. W.T.F?????? He's 41 yrs. old!

cl131716 posted 9/28/2013 11:21 AM

I only found sexual messages from one woman BUT I saw him try to bait at least two others. I'm sure there is a lot more to the story than I know about.

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