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Parenting differences

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letitout posted 9/26/2013 20:40 PM

What do you do when you and your S have different parenting styles?

My H is relaxed, no consequences type of guy. He lets the kids do anything they want.

I set boundaries. If they don't do A then B doesn't happen.

I have 17 yo twins. My DD is a real handful. She wants to do whatever she wants to do. For example, she is failing school and wanted to go party at the gymnastics center tonight on a school night. I told her no until her grades get up to at least C. Her dad on the other hand thinks just let her have fun.

I don't know what to do. We fight all the time about our different views.

authenticnow posted 9/26/2013 20:49 PM

This is actually one of the issues H and I addressed in MC.

You have to meet somewhere in the middle. Discuss it when you're not in the heat of the moment and come up with a compromise that you're both comfortable with. Always present a unified front in front of the kids. That's key.

We were the opposite. H is strict and I am more laid back. We got into a very unhealthy good cop/bad cop dynamic and the kids totally took advantage of it. You cannot let them play you against each other.

unfound posted 9/26/2013 21:23 PM

Excellent advice from AN.

To add, we support each others strengths. Some things, I'm better at handling, others, Mr Unfound is better at. Which ever one of us tackles something though, we know the other will back them up.

authenticnow posted 9/27/2013 05:17 AM

To start changing things, when the kids came to me about something (because they knew I was the parent more likely to give permission), I'd say, "Well, that's a conversation we're going to need to have with daddy present." Or, "Dad and I have to discuss it first."

If it's something that you have both decided beforehand (because you need to sit down and come up with boundaries and house rules for the kids that you're both comfortable with---and then let the kids in on their new boundaries), he needs to learn how to say, "We have discussed no weekday evening activities unless your grades are where they need to be."

letitout posted 9/27/2013 08:22 AM

All good advise. We have tried family meetings, writing rules down, but nothing ever gets followed through. It goes back to we set a rule. I say no to something, she calls her dad at work who knows nothing about the situation and says yes to her. So it's like I have to get him at work first in order to get things straight with the situation. It's like who can contact him first.

As I said it's a mess when she gets to him first. Then he gets mad and says he wishes we (DD) would get along. We get along fine, except when it comes to rules.

I think I will bring it up in MC. Good topic to discuss.

StrongerOne posted 9/27/2013 16:56 PM

Your H needs to practice saying (texting, emailing) the following sentences:

What did your mom say about that?
Until I check with your mom, the answer is no.
I'm at work. We will discuss this at home, with your mom.

My folks used these all the time. Woe to the child who tried to pull one over on them by lying about what the other parent had said. My H and I do the same. Otherwise the kids will rule the roost and that's bad for their social and moral development.

letitout posted 9/27/2013 20:49 PM

Great advise strongerone. I think I will talk about that tonight with H since DD is not around.

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