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who is doing the work

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Itsgoingtobeok posted 9/26/2013 23:12 PM

Early in MC our counsellor asked me this " what do you want from your WW ?"I told our MC "I want my WW to be faithful ! I want my WW to prove to me she can be trusted ! I don't want to be the warden I want her to prove it to me she can be faithful. " several months have past and I've seen a few moments where she's been remorseful but little change in her behaviour . Now my WW feels she is working hard to prove her loyalty . I explained to my WW how much I've sacrificed to save the marriage and I need her to show me I'm not second choice. but she still doesn't get it . Is anyone in the same situation ?

Lostinthismess posted 9/26/2013 23:24 PM

Yes and no. Have you been specific with what you are looking for? Is she trying to do that? Or ignoring and doing what she thinks you need? My fwh been remorseful, present. Willing to do whatever I ask. But I want more. I know he's not currently cheating. That's not what I need him to be honest about. It's the transparency about the life he's 'really' living. Not the one I 'thought' we were living together. I want him to hand me his phone without anything deleted, not just him not having a problem with me going through it. I want him to come to me with issues, thoughts. Not me having to ask about very damn thing. I'm so sick of playing warden. Of asking myself if I even care. I want him to take over all of that. He's doing so much, but it just seems to fall short. I don't think they can get it all at once. I think it's too much. I think it comes in pieces, just like the betrayed spouses ability to cope comes in small doses. I just hope it starts to come a little bit faster some time soon, for both our sakes. And maybe it comes with the bs ability to specify what it is they need. Our mc would ask me what I needed, and I'd look at him and just be like seriously? I need him to not be a cheater. The end. Doesn't help though.

cantaccept posted 9/27/2013 05:13 AM

h and I had this "talk" again last night, the I need...

I am specific, I want him to spend some time, even 1 hour a day doing something.

Read and post here, read a book, go to IC.

Learn how to help me. Learn to get past his fear of intimacy. Discover why he did this.

I have been clear so many times how important this is to me.

He stopped drinking, HUGE.

He controls his anger. HUGE

He goes to MC. HUGE

He just cannot express remorse to me, I can't see it. I tell him how much it helps me.

For a time I need an all out effort.

He very clearly showed me, "you mean nothing to me, I do not care", now he needs to disprove that. Just do the things I ask because now he does care.

An hour a day is too much to ask to help repair the the betrayl, abandonment?

that is what he is showing me.

Gr8Lady posted 9/27/2013 05:22 AM

The BS needs to feel safe.
How long will that take?


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