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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Confused!
Harriet
♀ 34543
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am wondering what is the best thing to do, for myself, in this situation and would love some sensible advice because I am too entangled at the moment in emotions. My ex and I have been apart for at least a year and a half now, divorced over a year. We live near each other and see each other a lot at events for our kids, (actually, we see each other too much) and we are quite civil and polite, even friendly. He started going out with his girlfriend right after moving out. He claimed she was not one of the women he had cheated on me with. It was questionable, most people don't believe it, but I rolled with it and accepted it when he introduced the kids to her etc. He recently broke up with her, but never said why. Then I discovered that he started contacting another woman..."S"...before he broke up with his girlfriend. Now he is actively pursuing "S." "S" is one of the women he cheated on me with. There is a long and painful history associated with her. If he starts dating her, I can't just roll with it like I did for the other one. So here is where I get confused. Do I have any right at this point to get upset? We're divorced, it's his life. But I feel like it is so disrespectful to put me in that situation, to relive the pain. If I were to act on my emotions, I would tell him that I consider this a slap in the face and he can forget anymore civility on my part. I want to put up that solid brick wall again, treat him like the ass that he is, instead of being kind and helpful for the sake of the kids. But I get so confused because what he does with his personal life is his business, isn't it? I shouldn't care. But I just can't see myself allowing him to introduce this low life cheating woman to my kids and acting like it's all cool with me, when it really isn't. It pisses me off and I don't know how to direct my anger.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
SoHappyNow
♀ 8923
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear that this situation is causing you pain. Not an easy situation to be in, that's for sure.

But <gently> you would be wise to just rise above it. You may need to start back with the 180 - purely for your own emotional protection, and also as a way to help you detach from him emotionally. There is really no control that you still get to have over whom your ex sees, and probably very little control over whom he introduces to your children. That sucks, true.

Indifference is going to be your best friend in the future and is worth all the hard work that it will cost you to get there.

(((Harriet)))


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2299 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Harriet
♀ 34543
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding, HBAT. I gave myself a cooling off period and came to much the same conclusion. Reading your post gives me validation that it's best to let it go and move on. He didn't treat me well during the marriage, so it's naive for me to think he would do so after the divorce. I'm not sure if it's love or fear that keeps me in his life. I need to start the 180 again and increase the boundaries. He is not changing so I need to.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
bbee
♀ 17840
Member # 17840
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indifference is going to be your best friend in the future and is worth all the hard work that it will cost you to get there.

This. It IS a lot of hard work, and took me nearly five years to achieve. Mind you, I do have moments of backsliding from time to time, but those moments are increasingly fewer and farther between. (((Harriet)))


This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

All's Well That Ends Well, Act I, Scene 1


Posts: 6656 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: SE US
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't treat me well during the marriage, so it's naive for me to think he would do so after the divorce.
Yes. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I'm not sure if it's love or fear that keeps me in his life. I need to start the 180 again and increase the boundaries. He is not changing so I need to.
You are still harboring some hope here. I think deep inside there is still some hope that he will figure out what an a$$ he has been and will change and come back to you or at least apologize and try to make amends. Give that up. He is what he is. Repeat. He is what he is. He isn't going to change because you want him to change.

I think it is great if you can keep civility for the kids. That is important for them. But you don't have to like him or approve of him. You need only be civil towards him. And you need to start moving on with your own life and your heart. Put this one to rest. You really don't want him anymore, do you? He doesn't sound like much of a prize. I am sure he had his good points but the fact that you cannot trust him and he is not stable relationship-wise is a pretty big bad point.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Harriet
♀ 34543
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies. I have long held on to hope that my ex would change, even when I knew it was ridiculous. Because of that, I didn't put up boundaries where they should have been. I finally did the right thing: I met with my ex and explained why I needed our lives to be separate in every way. I asked for my house keys back (we co-own the house but I live in it). I told him to have a nice life. We actually spoke for a half hour and it was very civil and very sad, but I did it. I feel very sad but also empowered. It was a little embarrassing because I had to email my ex the next day to let him know I had registered our daughter for an event coming up. It's like when you say your bon mot, storm out of the room, realize you are in the closet and have to storm back out of the other door. I also went on my first date ever since the divorce (meh...but I did it!). I am really trying to let go and move on...but I have to work through this sadness at the same time.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 6

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