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Don't know if I'm doing this right

Have posted on Just Found Out but feel I don't belong there. It's like I've been on the accelerated programme as the affair fog and TT stage were over very quickly. WH went NC as soon as I found out and is doing everything that he can in terms of avoiding her, reassuring me, honesty, transparency etc

But it's on 2 weeks this evening since Dday and it's been the most ridiculous fast rollercoaster of a fortnight, blindfolded because I have no idea what will happen next.

Quick recap - EA for 21 months , PA for past 8 months. As ever with a total bottom feeder who when he made friends with her initially I was warned was a psycho. FFS. He met her as she is the mum of one our daughter's primary school friends. Fortunately my dd is not at the same school any more so NC is doable.

WH has bipolar and a rubbish childhood and a real madonna/whore complex. My own childhood was all about protecting my dad who had a breakdown when I was 3. Our M was mostly pretty good until he nearly died through a suicide attempt in 2006. I have completed smothered him and protected him since so he would be safe. Increasing my role as mother and madonna and when a whore offered herself to the teenager I had helped to create he didn't say no

I do not blame myself for his affair. I am broken and devastated. I am to blame however for at the age of 41 being a codependent control freak. I have started IC to address this. I am naturally in a caring profession too and bloody good at it because I'm far too nice to everyone.

I have also never learned how to feel my feelings. I'm nowhere near as angry as I should be.

How do I heal? How do I let go of the addiction of caring for him and yet be with him? How do I stop being co-dependent?

I am a little over 1 year into this.

Gently...you are so new into this.

I don't know you...but you are posting on here and seeking input and comfort...and that is very good. I didn't find this site until 5 months after my DD.

I can relate to some of your feelings.

That addiction for caring for him? Read up on 180 in the healing library. It sounds as if he has killed his illicit relationship...but there are many good tips in 180 that allow you to value your needs. Does your fWS have a desire to care for you? If yes, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is a must read for you both.

I reacted poorly upon my DD....actually comforting my wife! In doing so I totally gave away my self dignity, ignored my own feelings and desires...and allowed my wife to hurt me deeper and deeper.

My wifes affair went from EA to PA AFTER my DD, while we were in weekly MC. The fog and TT was very much a part of my experience...neither of which I knew anything about or expected to experience. So, again, you have a leg up on me and know more of what to look for.

It is likely you are correct in your assumption of where you guys are at...certainly in a better position to form an opinion on that than I am.

BUT, when you talk about your addiction of caring for him...and suspect a co-dependency issue....I have a strong opinion on that.

I spent 1 year in IC...part of that was working on me moving through this very feeling within myself.

I knew I had processed through this...because of the RAGE phase. The rage was a strong sign I was moving into actually caring what I felt, how my heart was hurting, how I began to matter again.

I offer this not to scare you but an attempt to start you to prepare for a stage, unlike TT and multiple DD, I feel is unavoidable.

What adultery is is severe trauma.

I, too, wanted to make my marriage all better....went about it by soothing and comforting my wife....and it was not healthy nor helpful and actually enabled my wife to continue to hurt me. Furthermore, my wife did not want this either.

It does appear you missed some dreadful stages, but there are some that simply cant be missed.

Stay strong, keep the faith.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:23 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

You are entirely right - anger is a must
I am not angry because I have learned my whole life that I do not have the right to feel
On discussing with my shrink the day when I was off work because he ill with depression in June after a hospital admission for this - the mental health crisis caused by conflict over his A - I'd dumped on my colleagues by being off at short notice. He went "swimming" but actually went to have sex with the AP
I said to the shrink I wasn't very happy about that
Seriously I should be incandescent. On some level I must be but I'm not
The shrink said to heal I first have to feel.

But yes he is absolutely nurturing and looking after me. He hasn't read the stuff but I have and he was already doing it right.

We have talked a lot and identified a plan for IC for us both then MC when we have our shit together more. I believe most of all we need to make our relationship real. Whatever that means

But I feel there's a tsunami of a lifetime of unexpressed emotion in me, not all involving fWH and his A and our M and his illness, and it scares me

We have talked a lot and identified a plan for IC for us both then MC when we have our shit together more.

You are wise to make this statement and this course of action.

We entered MC immediately...I see that as hurting more then helping. At the time it seemed so critical...time has caused me to do a 180 on that thinking.

Totally should have just done IC for a bit...I even suggested that in what I thought were firm ways. Both my wife and our MC refrained from doing this...and I did not press for it. I did press for IC sessions at that time...and our MC denied this initially, but then said she would "if my wife could not make MC AND that my wife knew about my IC session and was fine with it".

Granted, this was 7 months past DD, but still doubt this was the right path for us or the right prescription form our counselor.

So...for what it is worth....your decision for both of you to do IC sessions until you feel safe and strong enough with yourselves before you attempt MC makes huge sense to me.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:27 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

(((Hugs))) it's hard and honestly I would bet you are still in shock. I'm a caregiver too. When I found out I went into problem solving let's fix it mode. I would imagine you are there right now. The feelings of anger and hurt will hit eventually, if you let them. Be gentle on yourself, you are at the beginning. I get reminded her often that this is a process and it takes time.

Another day begins
We are talking and talking and making love and talking
I'm feeling brave and I'm feeling scared
Today we are going into our local town where she lives for the first time. I am running a 10k race in memory of a colleague who died of cancer last year in her 30s leaving two young children. I'm lucky to have the chance to fight for my life
But I know it will be an emotional day
FWH will be there at the start and at the end to support me. Previously he didn't as my running bored him and he was jealous of it (even though he is an aspiring triathlete). Now he wants to support me and is so proud of me facing this today.
For a change he will be following my progress using find my iPhone app rather than me checking up on him for reassurance.
Onwards

Hardest run of my life
Seriously. I've done a marathon and half marathons and 10ks. I always said running was a large part in my head. I felt like I couldn't do it for most of the run. A friend ran with me for the last 0.5k. I cried when I finished. No sightings of AP
FWH being lovely.

I love to hear about the support for the race! It is true that my H and I have been much better married people since Dday. I have heard it said that the BS is often the 'overbenefitted' partner. It may be that this was the case for your H.

Yes he was over benefited and had no idea how horrible it was for me being the strong one all the time. Nobody to nurture me. Nobody to help me. All the responsibility and none of the fun
I still don't really know how to have fun
I'm so conflicted. This is absolutely the worst trauma I've ever suffered but he's better than he's been in years. He has seen me obliterated and he realises I need him too. He's read a couple of healing library articles and is putting everything into action. He's loving me, really caring for me. My skin is shot and he rubbed cream into it this afternoon to soothe it. He's facing stuff that really scares him. Family money - a big issue long before his breakdown never mind the A. He's there. He's making plans regarding what to buy the kids for Xmas. He never does that
WTF.
He says it's because when he broke down last week 1 week after dday and after he attempted a NC phone call with the AP and she was so cold and cruel and nasty about me. He was terrified, anxious, devastated and vulnerable and all this stuff from his childhood came out that he's never told me and I just hugged him and told him I didn't know what was going to happen but that I loved him. He suddenly sees that I love him and that love not hate is the answer. And he's so different. He has hope and faith for the future. He's reborn. It's exactly what I've always wanted for him. I'm no longer the alone carer. I can become me again.

But he was unfaithful and I'm broken inside. How can I feel all of this at once ?

I feel rubbish
Looks like I don't have any health problems post affair as tests all clear - phew
And the wee one I was breast feeding while he fucked the low life won't get HIV either

But FFS
This hurts. He's doing everything perfect. The fog has lifted. He's manning up after years of being a man child. He's going to see his psych next week - he has bipolar and he's never addressed this. He plays fast and loose with his meds at times and has all manner of FOO issues he now sees needs addressed.
He's so determined and seeing things differently and in some ways the healthiest mentally he has been in years
He hit absolute rock bottom 1 week post dday and even though I'm hurt like I never believed I could be I helped him

So it's all good
Except how can I ever believe in this? How can I trust him? When will the other shoe fall?

Just from reading the progression of your posts, it sounds like you are letting yourself feel more and more.

I'm so sorry, but it might be a rollercoaster for a while longer. When it gets bad, just remember this: at this moment of crisis, your H didn't give up. He took the hard road and faced himself. For you, for himself, and for your M.

I'm nearly a year out from DDay, and my man was also the model fWS. Most days I think that this ordeal has made us better and stronger than we ever were; some days I want to run away and start my life over. But those bad days have been getting fewer and farther between. I hope it's the same for you, Marathon.

Trust - so easily broken in a moment - builds back up brick by brick, day by day. Like the others have said, be gentle on yourself. It's still early.

The rollercoaster will clearly be here for a while

He came to see me for lunch and I feel so much better

He talked openly about his bipolar for the first time genuinely accepting that he has it and has to address it. Huge thing. He's always been afraid that medicating his bipolar away would turn him into less of a man but not addressing his bipolar has turned him into less of a man through this shoddy A

Yet he is not saying it's the fault of his illness. He's saying he did this because he chose not to deal with stuff and it's no more an excuse than alcohol makes it ok to be violent

We talked a bit more about AP and she's a nightmare - I knew that from my interactions with her when they initially became "friends" before he started hiding her because I didn't like her and I was being controlling. He gets now that we need friends of the marriage only and we need to talk and be open and trust each other.

I like my new husband

But there is a long long way to go. I ordered a book about co-dependency from Amazon and it arrived today. Some bedtime reading

Where is my anger?
I know it's there when I remember the worst things. And it being a shoddy tawdry A there are plenty of those.
When I think how he put me and our breast feeding baby at risk having unprotected sex with a tart with a previous bisexual partner. When I think how I arranged childcare and worked hours to pay for it for our wee one to give him space to fuck another woman. When I think about the time I took off while he was ill letting my colleagues down and he used some of that time to go to her.
The anger bubbles under but won't come out. I need to feel