I am a little over 1 year into this.
Gently...you are so new into this.
I don't know you...but you are posting on here and seeking input and comfort...and that is very good. I didn't find this site until 5 months after my DD.
I can relate to some of your feelings.
That addiction for caring for him? Read up on 180 in the healing library. It sounds as if he has killed his illicit relationship...but there are many good tips in 180 that allow you to value your needs. Does your fWS have a desire to care for you? If yes, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is a must read for you both.
I reacted poorly upon my DD....actually comforting my wife! In doing so I totally gave away my self dignity, ignored my own feelings and desires...and allowed my wife to hurt me deeper and deeper.
My wifes affair went from EA to PA AFTER my DD, while we were in weekly MC. The fog and TT was very much a part of my experience...neither of which I knew anything about or expected to experience. So, again, you have a leg up on me and know more of what to look for.
It is likely you are correct in your assumption of where you guys are at...certainly in a better position to form an opinion on that than I am.
BUT, when you talk about your addiction of caring for him...and suspect a co-dependency issue....I have a strong opinion on that.
I spent 1 year in IC...part of that was working on me moving through this very feeling within myself.
I knew I had processed through this...because of the RAGE phase. The rage was a strong sign I was moving into actually caring what I felt, how my heart was hurting, how I began to matter again.
I offer this not to scare you but an attempt to start you to prepare for a stage, unlike TT and multiple DD, I feel is unavoidable.
What adultery is is severe trauma.
I, too, wanted to make my marriage all better....went about it by soothing and comforting my wife....and it was not healthy nor helpful and actually enabled my wife to continue to hurt me. Furthermore, my wife did not want this either.
It does appear you missed some dreadful stages, but there are some that simply cant be missed.
Stay strong, keep the faith.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:23 AM, September 27th (Friday)]