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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Husband traveling for 1st time
Kimintexas
♀ 40781
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is leaving for a week for the first time since DDay. I know I can't control him but I am anticipating it will be a hard week for me not being around him. We are 6 weeks past Dday and I am fairly certain he has cut off contact with her.

He is training for work and will be with a roommate in a hotel room, won't have a car and is in a city he doesn't know so I am not super worried that he will have an opportunity to cheat again but I know it will be a hard week.

Does anyone have any advice/suggestions/ideas for how to set up some realistic guidelines/boundaries for making this easier.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Post here as much as you need to.

Have your WH call you frequently. If you can skype or facetime do that each evening.

Have your WH take pictures and email them to you.

Stay in as close contact as possible.

There is some kind of thing where you can track a phone. If possible set that up without his knowing.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=485913

Here is a thread where a lot of people have shared their experience with travel. Check it out. I would share more but I am currently traveling.

The first trip is rough but if you work together you can make it easier.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand, the first trip was tough and for us less than a month after dday. He's currently deployed which is another set of tough. Keep reading. For us the only thing I demanded was absolutely no drinking, not even at dinner. The thought made me feel physically sick as he was drunk the first night he cheated on me. Communicate what you need or want. Don't hold back because your afraid of pushing him away or upsetting him. Do what you need to feel safe.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
Kimintexas
♀ 40781
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally suck at communicating and ended up apologizing to him because he treated me really poor and I feel like if I show anger, he will walk.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
Kimintexas
♀ 40781
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Left last night, already feeling crazy. He called when he landed, called when he got settled in his hotel room and called this morning and I was bitchy this morning.

I was hoping he would leave some cards or notes or something that acknowledges how hard this is for me and I have mentioned it to him how much I need reassurance right now and he isn't doing a great job at it. I am just sad.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Self-centeredness is a huge characteristic of most waywards. I know mine spent years thinking of no one but herself. She really didn't know how to think about me and my feelings. It seems like something people should know how to do, right? She just didn't have that skill set at first. I had to be very clear with specifics of what my expectations were. If i wanted noted I asked for notes. If I hinted or hoped I eithergot nothing or something that i didn't even notice.

Slowly with practice and guidance she started learning a new skill set. I don't mean to sound condescending but it is almost like dealing with a child. we do talk a lot around here about emotional immaturity.

I am sorry you are struggling today. Work with him. It will get easier.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my husband had his first out of town work trip after his A, I told him I what I needed from him. I told him I needed to be reassured. I told him I needed contact from him. I told him I needed to know who he spent his time with after training.

He texted me after his flights, called me each evening and morning and several texts during the day. He texted me pictures of his hotel room when he arrived. Told me each evening where he was going to dinner and with who. I told him I appreciated that to validate he was giving me what I needed.

If you wanted him to leave you notes, did you tell him this? I mean directly tell him or hint? Did you discuss with him what you needed in terms of reassurance?

You shouldn't live in fear that telling him what you NEED will cause him to leave. That isn't fair to you.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kimintexas
♀ 40781
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did tell him what I needed and he didn't respect that.

We are going to Retrouvaille next weekend so I feel like I am in a holding pattern till then. I am not sure if I am effectively communicating what I need because I feel so needy having to ask. I told him that Saturday and he said he understood but still nothing.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
Kimintexas
♀ 40781
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he was supposed to call an hour and a half ago to say goodnight to Our daughter and didn't. I didn't call him because I want him to have to own his actions but I feel sick.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. The best I can offer is to try to get yourself in a position that you are ok without him. If he won't step up and give you want you need and doesn't follow through in what he says he will do, then fine, that's on him. Those are his failures. Be ok with yourself and without him. If he wants to stay with you and the family, then he will put the effort into it. Spend your time working on yourself, not trying to fix him. He will have some excuse why he didn't call, don't rug sweep it and tell him it's ok. Because it's not. He said he would do something and he didn't. That doesn't rebuild trust.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
Kimintexas
♀ 40781
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel sick. I hate hoping that he will call and worrying what is going on. He called me at about 10 last night and said his reminder to call our daughter didn't go off. We talked for a while and I called him right back after we hung up and no answer.

I hate that he has all of the control right now.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
Secrets Kept
♀ 40630
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to say but I would bet $$$ the affair hasnt ended. Otherwise why no calling for daughter or answering when you call right back?

I think you are in denial right now. He shows no remorse & is still greatly disrespecting you.

Myself....I would go deep into stealth mode to find your answers. I would NOT trust what he says about everything. He has proven to you that he is a liar.

Even if she now lives 9 hours away,
what would keep her from traveling to spend this week with him? And the fact that he didnt answer RIGHT after you had hung up from each other is not good.

You also still need to do the 180 or this Type of crap will never end.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 223 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Topic Posts: 13

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