Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: new2this2 (45757)

User Topic: WH said "Why shouldn't we talk? It's dumb not to"
Iamacrab
40410
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've been separated for many months, serious NC now except house stuff for 1 mo.
He "thinks" he wants a D (this is time 3 since DDay that we're at this turning point), after our yr-ish of hell after DDay, lovely 7 mo of false R, that in his mind wasn't false bc although he told me he loved me and wanted to grow old with me, the fact that he doesn't love me or want any life w me, is irrelevant, bc he was "trying to" and "thought he would love me by then".

-- Would have been nice if he told me that's what was going on. --

Today he texted me about something work related to me (we don't work together). I ignored that, texted back about only the house bc I had a question. He texted "why aren't you answering me about (work related thing) "

I texted, "we talk about house things only, you know that was the choice you were making" and nothing else.
(I said in MC over a yr ago that if he wanted D, I couldn't be in his life at all. He said he understood)

He said "that's dumb, why can't we talk, we should help each other, I'm trying to help you, asking for nothing from you, because we know each other better than anyone else"

-- well of course we do! We've been together since my age started with a number 1, over a decade.
But WH is choosing to believe whatever feelings he had w her then (says he doesn't love her now) are real love, and he'll never feel that for me, and haven't ever before either. Despite our decade plus together. So really, what is he expecting me to do? If that's what he wants, that's what he wants, nothing more I can do, I'm finally learning that after close to 2 yrs since DDay --

Ugh. I'm simply angry today, anxious re the tenants in our house, anxious re paying off marital debt.

Really struggling to see the positives in life, though I know they are there.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Cookie7088
♀ 30038
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we know each other better than anyone else

Ironically, I've heard that before...and my response was,

"Uhmm, no..I thought I knew you..but you cheated, and I thought you would never do that...And if you knew me so well, then why would you do something that you knew would hurt me?"

Well...we never had that conversation again...

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 11:16 AM, September 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 673 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"that's dumb, why can't we talk, we should help each other, I'm trying to help you, asking for nothing from you, because we know each other better than anyone else"

So he starts off by basically implying that you're dumb.
And then gets all disingenuous by telling you that he is trying to help you and "asking for nothing from you". Really? Sounds to me as if he's expecting you to talk to him and be friends with him -- I wouldn't describe that as asking *nothing* of you.
The "we know each other better than anyone else" is nothing but pure manipulation.

He's a butthead. I hope that you have continued to stick to the *house-only* conversations......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Iamacrab
40410
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't respond.
I think I'm finally getting that I must must be firm for my own good w NC except the house.
I know I just keep talking about this topic, specifically my surprise (why was I surprised?), anger and disappointment over what I believe was false R, but it's made me realize that I didn't really understand how much time this was taking up in my life, and not in his. Monitoring, wondering, hoping is what I mean. And before that, cleaning, making lunch, snacks, bills, coordinating vacations...I have had so much more time to just be me. It would have been one thing if in more instances he also lost "his time" to do xyz as needed, but that was so rare, that I think I didn't even realize how limited my own time was.
I'm still struggling w so many aspects of this, but one realization is better than none. Slight progress maybe.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to be "friends" because that makes what he did to you and your marriage less horrific.

Yeah, fuck him.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7825 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't really understand how much time this was taking up in my life

And that is so true. I didn't understand that either -- it took a direct question from my IC for me to *get* it. I was showing her some of the recent text/email exchanges between stbx and I and saying "can you believe that is what he said and how he thinks, (etc...)?????"

And she just looked at me for a minute......and she said "gonna, what *I* can't believe is how much TIME you are wasting with this." That was a really shocking discovery for me, to be honest.

Good job on the *crickets*.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"....but...but....YOU are my best friend!"

I got that line several times when I instituted NC.

They don't understand, or respect boundaries...obviously.

I was called "ridiculous", "bitchy", "mean" and others when I instituted NC, and now he says I "control the relationship..." because I have no interest in being friends with him. I really think they live in an alternate universe.

Hang tough!


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, that is so hard. But seriously, why would anyone want to be "friends" with someone who F**Ked you over so badly? That is not what friends do to eachother. I am so sick of these people. It is so unfair, so crappy. I hear you sista!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the idea of responding that you don't know him at all as it turns out, and apparently he doesn't know you either.

But any response re-engages, and you are better off demonstrating NC by remaining NC.

Strength!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4167 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Iamacrab
40410
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He texted "I am sorry"

Of course he's sorry. Sorry for what, is really the crux of it. At some level I think he's sorry he hurt me and my family, but the majority of it, is sorry for himself, for whatever those reasons are.
I guess the baffling thing is that he just doesn't seem to have enough empathy.
He says I just don't see how he feels the way I want to see it, so I assume it's not there. Maybe he's right.

I really thought after she dumped him initially that through his deep hurt, he'd feel what it was like in some manner, and finally even just through that would have some lightbulb moment.

Clearly not. Or even if he does, that doesn't mean enough to him to really fix.
He said at one point months ago "love is looking across the room and knowing you'd do anything for that person" (or something like that) - I don't necessarily disagree but after over 10 yrs and marriage our relationship wasn't ever that to him? How didn't it grow, like my feelings did for him, as we went through life?

What does he value? I feel I definitely do not know, so then I feel like him being sorry is really all about him.

Rant over, sorry. I've gone far enough down this rabbit hole today.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says I just don't see how he feels the way I want to see it, so I assume it's not there. Maybe he's right.

I doubt that he's right. I think your *sight* is probably just fine....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking for myself, I couldn't be 'friends' with my abuser. That is, in a nutshell, what he has done with his cheating, lying, minimizing and blameshifting.

Friends don't actively try to destroy each other, that's what enemies are for.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
HurtButHopeful?
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imacrab,
I'm sorry he can't make sense of reality and keeps engaging you.

You once thought you knew him well, but then he became someone you didn't know.

But don't bother telling him that, he cannot hear the truth, or deal with reality.

((((Iamacrab))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Iamacrab
40410
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is making me insane. We've had some house issues, so talking about that.
Then he texts me about his credit score vastly improving and says "There isn't anyone else I could tell that would understand it was a big thing like you would" - well eff you WH, you have that improved score bc I wrote the checks from your account for your fines, I set up the payment plans for your taxes, I still ensure the mortgage is paid.

Then he says
"For whatever reason I just haven't loved you the way you deserve. It doesn't make any sense to me, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to and plenty of reasons I should. I want to and I've tried to, but for whatever reason it isn't the same for me as it is for you. that's probably the biggest reason I keep trying, my brain says what's wrong with you, you'd be dumb not to want this"

I said
"Find those papers please. I'm sick of this limbo, I want to change my name. I want to erase you from my life, I'm so angry. " (he's had them for a yr, the other day texted that he was looking for them, wasn't sure where they were.)
I know I'm supposed to not engage. It's not far from our anniversary and I'm handling it badly. I know he's done and is just dragging his feet. I know I have no other good options. I'm just so angry.



Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Artemisia
♀ 40564
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I guess the baffling thing is that he just doesn't seem to have enough empathy.

Ugh, how could you not be angry. I am angry with you. Him philosophizing to you about why he doesn't love you makes my blood boil. It illustrates your quote above. He can't see beyond his so-interesting!!! self to understand the effects of his words. I think I am especially angry because this is the kind of crazy crap I kept hearing. Back when we still spoke. NC, NC, NC.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Find those papers please. I'm sick of this limbo, I want to change my name. I want to erase you from my life, I'm so angry.

What a great response! Good job!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10039 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is an emotional bakery as well as a physical one.

Time to close the bakery. The fuckers will cake eat for exactly as long as we allow them too.

Too bad he lost his soft place to land. The sad clown told me he missed talking to me about his day, discussing office politics, getting my POV on things. I am awesome at all of it but he is no longer in my circle of trust. He's not even on the same page, same planet. He doesn't get any of the benefits of being in my life. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

My girls are my only gift to him and I give up my time with them quite unwillingly.

Please read about 'Hoovering'. They all try it at some stage whether they want R or not.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

The sad clown has also expressed a wish that we not just bear each other whenever I am forced to see him in person. "I would hope we could do better than just ignoring each other" or some such bullshit. I guess he expects a "Good morning Sad Clown, nice weather we're having!".

Yeah, nah. This is as good as it gets dude. Get used to it.

If we have them back in our lives even a tiny bit then what they've done isn't so terrible. "See, we're friends!"

I am more than happy to remain civil. I do this for my girls. Friendly, no.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex said something similar when we were in the divorce process about being friends..... I told him

my friends don't treat me bad and if they did I wouldn't be their friend. Why would I want to be friends with some one who lies to me, steals from me, and continues to hurt me?


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 659 | Registered: Jan 2012
Iamacrab
40410
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my major problem is that this plays into an insecurity I've had our entire relationship. I always said he cared more about his friends than me, and he always always said it wasn't true.
We did nearly everything as couples with his friends. When we were first dating when I was in college, he'd eat dinner w them literally every night of the week at an Applebee's type place, and I'd go along as a part of the large group when I could. That weekly dinner time weaned as we got older, but we still saw them each weekend and for nye and picnics and get togethers.
When we got married I thought ok, he's finally showing me that I was wrong, I am his priority, as we didn't see them nearly as much (though he still talked to them often), and finally we had more of a life as us.
Now from what I can tell without talking about it, he's back to a similar schedule w those that are still single (the married ones don't go anywhere now) and in one text I didn't copy and paste after the one I mentioned above he said "I do want more".
I just feel like maybe I deluded myself for over a decade because I wanted to be more for him and because I was useful to him, and really, I was never his number one.
He was my favorite person in life.
I just feel so angry, at me and at him, and on top of that, so dumb.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 19

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.