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His A has taken over my life ;(

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soconfusednow posted 9/27/2013 11:36 AM

I am so angry, bitter, frustrated, sad, broken & confused. Iíve lost my ability to trust my H, my best friend(my H) & my own judgment. I feel like my life has been stolen and been replaced by a nightmare that I canít wake up from.

It seems like his A has taken over my life. The constant need to search, the gut wrenching feeling Iím being gaslighted. Sometimes I wish heíd just leave so I can quit hurting, but I would be crushed if he did. I am frustrated with my own indecisiveness, should I stay or leave?

How much pain can one person endure without going insane? Sometimes I wish the knife twisting in my back was real so it all would end. For me it would be easier that way, but not for the ones I love.

I miss the way his hugs would comfort me and make the stresses of the world go away. The hugs are there but the comforting loving feeling is gone. Will it ever comeback?

I feel so selfish everything about me. What about his wants needs & desires? No relationship can last if all you think about is yourself, but if I donít think about me, no one will.

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 12:13 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

seenow posted 9/27/2013 11:57 AM

Hi Soconfusednow:

I am right here with you in thought. I am in the same place with the same questions. You are not alone.

TheGarden posted 9/27/2013 12:03 PM

Another BW here with a double betrayal (close friend AND her polyamorous husband, who knew about and supported the whole thing).

I'm in the exact same place today. Spent the entire morning crying in bed. Can't trust anyone anymore, feel like my life is circling the drain.

I know every affair situation sucks, but I think the double betrayal is one of the worst. The very people you trusted the most, who you would turn to if something went wrong, were the same ones who stuck the knife in your back, together. It's enough to make anyone crazy and sick.

I am so sorry for all of us who are going through this situation. No advice here, just commiseration. (((HUGS)))

soconfusednow posted 9/27/2013 12:12 PM

TheGarden I'm sorry that happened to you being betrayed by 2 people. I need to edit my post to clarify, my H was my best friend.

OldCow18 posted 9/27/2013 12:18 PM

I can so totally relate to everything you wrote. The devastation is unbelievable.

The only thing getting me through is the promise from so many seasoned SIers and some very good IRL friends helping me promising me that it just takes time. That answer sucks, I hate it, but it's all I've got to go on.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 12:32 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

TS68 posted 9/27/2013 12:37 PM

I sit here reading your post and think "hell yes! It is all consuming!!" It is sucking the life out of me. I had a zillion things to do today but BC of the sinking feeling I had when my H left this morning, I have instead chosen to post here and stalk out my own home, all the while getting no emails returned, no laundry done, no Girl Scout swaps finished... I don't think this will ever end unless you put a definitive end to it. If you do not feel good about where you are in trust right now, then (IMO) it is wasted time. Once I have solid ANSWERS that he cannot deny then I am gonegonegone. You cannot live like this. I know you love him but you deserve so much better. Be strong and make choices for YOU!

cl131716 posted 9/27/2013 13:14 PM

I am right here with you! I feel like a crazy person. It's all I think about. I think mainly because I feel like I don't know everything or it WILL happen again. I don't even know Ws anymore. I barely recognize myself.

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/27/2013 13:21 PM

I feel like a crazy person too. My job has suffered from it, because I'm always thinking about it. I've lost the person I used to be.

crazyblindsided posted 9/27/2013 13:45 PM

(((soconfusednow))) what you are feeling is normal and it is amplified because it appears your WH broke NC just 2 months ago. Theses WS's don't realize that with every broken NC our world is shattered yet again. I have experienced many DDays and false R. I do not trust my WH. He knows I do not trust him. I still check but verify and that is the only thing that calms me down.

I hate bringing up medication all of the time, but it really helped me get through everything. That and my IC.

Do you think maybe a portion of the 180, the part about just focusing on YOU and not looking to him to soothe you might be helpful? I honestly had to detach in order to survive. I am just now taking some of the top bricks off of my fortress of a wall.

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