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noglamour posted 9/27/2013 12:03 PM

My BS sent me a text asking if I can be at the house on Tuesday because a new landscaper is coming over to do some work.

She will be at my son's school and then she has IC.

I replied back asking what time.

We are recently separated and not heading to D but not in R either.

Is this healthy for me to do?

Yesterday she asked if I could stop at the store on the way home from picking up my son at school. I told her no that I would not be able to do that.

EvenKeel posted 9/27/2013 13:34 PM

It is so hard to set up new rules when you have no idea where you guys are heading (ie D or R).

You no longer live at the house or are you still there?

I guess you need to look at it as you are setting a precedent for everything going forth. Meaning, if I ran into a conflict between a new landscaper and my IC....then something would had to been rescheduled. HOWEVER, I knew my M was over so there was no help there.

There is nothing wrong with being accommodating as long as it goes both ways. There is a difference between playing nice in the sandbox and her expecting you to do everything around her world.

Meaning...would you ever ask her to stop at the store for you in route?

anewday78 posted 9/27/2013 13:41 PM

I think you should have a conversation with your wife and draw some mutually agreed upon lines in the sand here. I get what you're saying - the purpose of separation is to figure out if the two of you are meant to be apart. Your current arrangement does not support that model whatsoever as she's getting the convenience of a Mr. Fixit husband without having to live with him and be his wife.

When you have the conversation, be careful about how you phrase things. Let her know that you don't mind doing these things for her - you actually love being her husband - but you're afraid that this arrangement might become a "new normal" indefinitely relegating your marriage to a state of limbo. This is a time when the two of you spend alone time contemplating whether or not you will remain in this marriage. A time to experience what life is like without the other in it as a partner. If you, NoGlam, already KNOW you want the marriage and are willing to do whatever it takes to save it, tell her that and also tell her that you'd like to move back home to get started on the hard work of R. The "hard work" does not entail stopping at the store for toilet paper and swapping out the propane tank on the grill.

I can definitely see your dilemma here and I don't blame you for being concerned. This can be solved with some open, honest, and compassionate communication.

kg201 posted 9/27/2013 14:56 PM

My WW and I are separated and this has been an issue of conflict. Initially she expected me to continue supporting her through her cancer treatments. When I told her I wouldn't do that as long as she continued the A she turned to accusing me of not caring ( after 9 years of being by her side through every cancer related treatment and visit, even 2 after dday).

We share custody of the kids and continue to jointly own the house. So in my mind that only sort of things I am willing to do are related to areas where the kids are in need, or the house/our assets are involved. On occasion these cross over to things that benefit her, but as long as the primary purpose is one of those other areas, then I don't feel like I have compromised my need to separate from her.