SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I am so glad I happened upon this site as your support has meant the world to me. stumbled on the Beyond affairs page as well and only looked at it today - read the his and hers interview she did with her husband among other things...made my blood boil in many parts. She basically says that BS need to think that if the circumstances were right they too could have betrayed - absolute rubbish - I do not and will not accept that premise - many things would have made me leave this marriage and like many people I have made mistakes in mine but i would never ever have betrayed. Also hated comments which tried to put betrayal on level with other "mistakes" in marriage - it struck me as lots of rug-sweeping....

I consider her "old school". If in fact we could all be cheaters given circumstances then there would be a lot more mad hatters here. Given how much my world has been torn apart and my self esteem ripped and the hole where my heart should be, I should be out f***ing everything that looks at me.

I also do not believe in affair proofing a marriage. I think we can be educated and wiser to challenges, but that concept puts too much on the betrayed spouse. If we tap dance fast enough and often enough we get fidelity. Sorry, I know now it does not work that way.

I have read them and sometimes felt that they were helpful. I decided to purchase her book. Big mistake. Her husband cheated on her and treated her like crap for a long time after. At the end of her book she said her marriage is better than ever because she realized what she was doing wrong. Once she fixed herself their relationship became better than ever.

I am not sure what she did to justify his bad behavior, but it seemed like she was taking all theblame . Hated the book. I am not responsible for my ffWH affair and I refuse to take the blame in order to keep my marriage.

Ugh, I hate that crap. Anyone would cheat...no, no they wouldn't. I had opportunities to cheat, I was in the same stressful marriage and family situation he was -- not only did I not cheat, I deliberately cut off contact with the "friends" who thought it would be just fine to betray my H / their friend.

Just like I don't steal (even when I had no money and would not have been suspected, much less caught), hit people, verbally abuse people, etc etc.

I'm not a saint, and I bet you are not either. Doesn't mean you would cheat. Because the circumstances are NEVER right for behaving cruelly and immorally. Don't you believe anyone who says otherwise.

My stbxww had an exit affair with no remorse at all , not for a second . But the 2 or 3 years that led up to her exit were torture as she transformed and prepared her exit and fell deeper and deeper in love with the pos other guy. I was pretty much severely abused emotionally . But I stood till the end , loyal and cheating never ever crossed my mind , so that is bullshit ,not all people will cheat. Especially not me. I am 6 months into my divorce and I am still nervous about sleeping with another woman. My stbxww was not my first but I loved her unconditional ( except infidelity ) and we were together since childhood and right now she has a boyfriend and I still think I will cheat if I am not divorced fully first. Am I nuts?

Strongerone I agree with you - I didn't realise how many schools of thought there are on betrayal till this happened - I posted in second week Dday about our x- MC who talked about the spouse being "co-responsible" for the affair and also said that if we didn't address issues even if we left each other that I could find myself cheated on again in 10 years and he could find himself a cheater again. It was as if whatever is "wrong" with me leads to my partner cheating...I was pretty devastated that session or I would have had the wits to walk out. I had loving relationships before my H and I do not believe I "cause" men to cheat on me. I totally get that for R to happen you also have to explore M issues that may have festered and needed addressing but the A was my husband's decision alone ignoring any potential devastation to his wife and new son. I have no doubt that many people (including ILs) see the A as a failure on my side to provide something in the M - if that were the case a man with real values would have raised it with me - tried to fix it or moved on - not lived a lie for two years....

My MIL gave me that book. I am a reader, love books and treat them as such. After the first couple chapters if this one, I started ripping out the pages to clean my mirrors and windows. I wouldn't feel right donating or giving it away because I agree it is rubbish.

I too have the book and read it, and from it I take what I believe and what helps me

Same for SI, I take the stuff that will help me

The more I read, the more I realize that everyone has their own perspective, their own story, their own opinion

So although some of the stuff, both in books and here, I may not agree with, I do find it very helpful as a whole to my situation

We all have our own opinions and do what we need to do to help our own situations, and I am very grateful to each and every source of information and help that I have gotten on this horrible journey I have been forced to take

Take what suits you and leave the rest behind :)

I would not even look at the book. I mean, seriously, "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me"? Seriously?

I can understand that an A can point to problems in a marriage that need work, and once those problems are ironed out, the M can get better than it had been. Okay.

But don't tell me that an A is required to reach that point. How about honest communication? Letting your spouse know if you're unhappy? Talking about it, maybe going to MC, or a couples retreat, or just plain working on it yourselves?

An A is a violent emotional assault from which neither partner (especially the BS) will ever make a complete recovery--even if the marriage does eventually improve.

So, Anne Bercht, please don't tell me that it's the "best thing that happened". That just makes me want to vomit.

So well said SadFlower!

Just prior to our first d-day 15 years ago, I also was attracted to a potential AP. I guess Anne Bercht would say the circumstances just weren't right, but I considered the A and just couldn't bring myself to hurt my H in that way. My marriage was crap, and my H was more of a drag on my life than a support, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. The potential AP was a client but I traded him off to another rep and stepped away from temptation.

No--not everybody trades away their self respect in exchange for an affair.