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So unfair isn't it? How is the law like this?

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sleepless34 posted 9/27/2013 14:00 PM

I am having a hard day. My heart hurts, feels very heavy in my chest. I am struggling with how this whole idea of no fault divorce is good for people, or for society.

If I was in a business partnership with this person he couldn't lie, cheat, embezzle, commit fraud and make decisions about the future of the company without consulting with the other business partner....YET in a no fault divorce you can lie, cheat, deceive, put persons health at risk, waste joint money and ruin the company with your reckless behaviour...but somehow there is NO FAULT and he still gets 50% of everything including custody because those actions don't impact parenting? And he gets to walk away scott free. Really????

I can not get over how unfair all of this is. I was so naive about divorce and the laws and WOW do I feel like I am getting F**Ked over!How many states have no fault- totally sucks!!

Logically, I don't get it:
-He had an A for 16 months
-He lied, cheated, deceived committed FRAUD in having double life
-I lose a husband
-My family unit is blown up
-My kids lose 2 parent family unit
-All the money we saved together working (me making MORE) all those years will be wasted on supporting 2 households and lawyers and therapists
-I will have to go back to work
-I will be single mother
-I will have to still manage the schedule for the family inc their time with HIM.
-My kids will have to go to afterschool care and give up their activities and have less time with me
-He can force 50/50 custody even if it is not in the best interest of our kids
-He does not have to tell me anything about where they go, what they do when together
-I am expected to be amiable and polite with him in co-parenting the children
-I have to sit next to him at sports events

Basically, He gets to do whatever he wants and I have to just take it. I feel like a prisoner. I have to have this A*HOLE in my life, he is delusional to the point where I can not even have a conversation with him as his views are so warped, and yet I have to deal with this until my kids are adults???

WTF??? Please someone say something hopeful?????

gonnabe2016 posted 9/27/2013 17:08 PM

I got nothin' for ya because I also believe that no-fault divorces are supremely unjust.

Good news, though....you DON'T have to sit next to him at sporting events. You can sit wherever you like.

Nature_Girl posted 9/27/2013 18:00 PM

Yeah, the only hopeful part I got for ya is that you don't have to sit next to him again, ever, for the rest of your life. Ever.

sleepless34 posted 9/27/2013 18:11 PM

Man, this sucks.

Yeah....I get screwed financially and my family has is busted up and I have to deal with scheduling the kids time with him.

But, I don't have to look him the eyes, I don't have to sit with him, I don't have to make his life easy in any way and can silently mess with him in annoying little ways, I don't have to smell his farts or listen to his snoring.

meh.

Nature_Girl posted 9/27/2013 18:29 PM

Hopefully you won't have mystery men baking your kids cakes. It could be worse.

hopeandchange posted 9/27/2013 19:18 PM

Sleepless yes, unfair
Stbxww has two year A and expects
To continue to work part time so she can exercise, shop and be home when our high school kids get home
To stay in our home with me continuing to pay the mortgage plus spousal support plus child support
To have primary custody of the kids with me having them one weekend a month because that is the life of a divorced dad
To get a 60-40 split of retirement monies since her earning potential is less
She trashed my heart and soul but not my head. I said no. Still at the mercy of the courts and doing much more than I should

H&C

gma56 posted 9/27/2013 19:46 PM

But, I don't have to look him the eyes, I don't have to sit with him, I don't have to make his life easy in any way and can silently mess with him in annoying little ways, I don't have to smell his farts or listen to his snoring
And to add to the list, you don't have to live with a liar and pos. That is HUGE !
I think no fault is keeping some of crap out of court. They (Courts) don't want to deal with it, period.

Infidelity is rampant but years ago no one talked about it and many spouses just kept their mouths shut. Not me. I let the world know what he had done, he was pissed but I wanted everyone to make their own decision what kind relationship they wanted with his background. He will always hate me for not keeping his dirty secrets.

Tripletrouble posted 9/27/2013 20:09 PM

Sleepless I have a great deal of anger at all the unfairness. It just makes me rage sometimes, but then I try to stay focused on the fact that I won't spend the rest of my life looking at a cheating liar in the mirror, and I won't be crying myself to sleep knowing I threw away a beautiful life for something useless and dirty. I won't have to live with damaging my kids for life. I get to walk away with my dignity intact. He can sit around counting his $ alone. I've followed your posts, and you will also be living your best life when your xh pulls his head out of his ass and realizes what he has thrown away. For something cheap and dirty. More power to you.

Gr8Lady posted 9/27/2013 21:01 PM

No fault states, rules are unfair. It always seems the scumbag is the one that appears to be getting the advantage. Let me say this, you are in your 40s would you prefer you invested 23 more years of your life with him and then have him pull this shit?
You have every right to be upset...I'm on your side but trust me You will end up the winner in the long run.
My aunt married for 40 years and her husband left her for woman half her age. It just about emotionally broke her. My former uncle married the young thing and she left him one year later. Just what he deserved. He died a lonely old man, but he broke my aunts heart..all for foolishness .
40s is young....you can make a fabulous life and that is the best revenge of all....hugs

tryingagain74 posted 9/27/2013 21:40 PM

I also greatly abhor how your ex-spouse is allowed to bring whomever he/she wants around your children. We run background checks on employees who work with children, and rightfully so, yet our exes are allowed to bring total strangers around our kids, and we have to just shrug and say, "Oh well, I can't control what my ex does on his/her time!"

That was hugely eye opening for me. I couldn't have been more disappointed. I feel for the people on here whose children are being exposed to abusive behaviors while the court system looks the other way.

Feeling Consumed posted 9/28/2013 02:56 AM

Definitely with you on this. I thought about it - if OW had stolen my car, her ass would go to jail. If XH broke into OW's BH's house and stole shit, he'd be in jail. But yet these 2 assholes can "steal" another person's spouse by carrying on inappropriate relationships, and not a single effing thing is done to them - not even a slap on the wrist!!

I emailed asshole after we were divorced and I made sure that I let him know what a scumbag that I think he is. When we were married, he was always so worried about someone breaking into our house and taking our stuff! I told him in my last email to him that even if these thieves that he referred to as "dirtbags" broke into our house and took every single fricking item we owned, it would still not be anywhere near as big as the theft he carried out. He stole my faith in people, he stole my ability to trust anyone ever again, he stole the bulk of my happiness for the first 2+ years (I'm doing better now). He stole the ability of my son to have an intact family. He stole all the holidays we would have spent together as one family from my son - now he has to split time between 2 parents. He stole his son's admiration of him.

So it turns out that he is a way bigger dirtbag than the ones he was worried about. Those dirtbags would only steal things that could be replaced - I can go to a store and buy more stuff. XH dirtbag stole things that cannot be replaced. So that makes him the King of Dirtbags.

And there's not a damn thing we can do about it. The law doesn't even force couples to go to counseling unless kids are involved, and that is not every state either.

No fault my ass - what are they fucking kidding us? There's fault, oh yeah, there's lots of fault.

Nature_Girl posted 9/28/2013 03:15 AM

I also greatly abhor how your ex-spouse is allowed to bring whomever he/she wants around your children. We run background checks on employees who work with children, and rightfully so, yet our exes are allowed to bring total strangers around our kids, and we have to just shrug and say, "Oh well, I can't control what my ex does on his/her time!"
That was hugely eye opening for me. I couldn't have been more disappointed.

THIS IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!!! YES, I'M SHOUTING!!!!

sparkysable posted 9/28/2013 06:30 AM


I also greatly abhor how your ex-spouse is allowed to bring whomever he/she wants around your children. We run background checks on employees who work with children, and rightfully so, yet our exes are allowed to bring total strangers around our kids, and we have to just shrug and say, "Oh well, I can't control what my ex does on his/her time!"
That was hugely eye opening for me. I couldn't have been more disappointed.

THIS IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!!! YES, I'M SHOUTING!!!!

I agree absolutely. It's disgusting.

Eranda posted 9/28/2013 13:23 PM

I've been dealing with this thought for the last 9 years.

I did nothing wrong, my kids have done nothing wrong.

Yet I lose so much time with them. They have to live in two houses. I had to go back to work, which means I lose even more time.

Then I wanted to move on with my life and move 45 minutes away. He took advantage of it and got primary custody of my children. Now I have to pay him $625 a month in child support.

Lately, he travels for work a fair amount- but he does not even tell me when he's gone and my kids stay at his house with OW.

And yes, if I am in any way upset by this or don't like it- then *I* am at fault for not accepting it. I am supposed to just be fine with allowing the OW (who is almost 20 years younger than me) to have primary care of MY children. And I'm not even allowed to have an opinion about how they're being raised over there. I have to give my children back to her after my custody time because he's not even there.

And there is nothing I can do about it. I do not have the money to go back to court. If I confront him about anything he will yell at the kids, so they beg me not to say anything. In fact recently they have started to keep things from me. I have been pushed out of their lives, X and OW have told them horrible things about me that are not true, and there is nothing I can do.

Sometimes it's more than I can bear.

Thefly559 posted 9/28/2013 13:42 PM

You hit the nail on the head. That no fault is bullshit everything you said is so true and I feel exactly the same ! She cheated ,lied , stole , neglected , manipulated etc. and I get screwed along with my innocent children. My lawyer says she could fuck the whole football team as long as she does not hurt the kids! Who the hell did she hurt if not the kids? Me? Yes I was and will be screwed up for sometime but I will move on. But the kids will carry that forever and into their adult lives by either cheating too as their mother did or absolutely never cheating.so that law is bullcrap. As far as advice I can only tell you what I do and that is no contact at all unless it pertains to my kids ! I won't look at her or talk to her or text or breathe the same air unless it has to do with my children. That's just me . She is poison and I need her out of my life ! Good luck

sleepless34 posted 9/28/2013 13:58 PM

Oh, thank you thank you everyone! I do feel better today. If only just a little bit. It is something, moving in the right direction at least.

I am still pissed off about how he gets to walk away scott free...and the laws protect him. No FAULT MY ASS!!!

Although, I do believe the boogey man is coming for him soon. He is going to come to realize that he had it all and he threw it away for some cheap thrills with a messed up skank with plastic surgery face. He will find himself in a shitty little apartment, with no money, no friends, no family support, scorned by all the mutual friends and neighbors.

Every day, he is getting weaker and weaker. And Every day I am getting stronger and stronger. I am smarter, more resourceful, stronger, tougher than this cowardly man baby loser could ever hope to be. I am going to crush him. Or, hopefully, watch him crush himself.

The therapist told me that I should be thankful that I am ending this relationship with him. That he can not drag me into the darkness and evil with him. Someone here said that to me too, be thankful it happened now instead of 20 years from now when I will be definately less cute and more old.

I will be better off and he will be a mess.

Thank you for the support. I really needed it yesterday. Some days are so incredibly tough. Today he informed me he will be attending my daughters bball game so I have to see his discusting face, but I have your strength...thanks!

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