"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

redshift posted 9/27/2013 14:12 PM

Background: I was the betrayed, got a DV tape recorder, got info from her conversations in car with OM, once after we tried R and she always talked with sister on phone. Anyway, I had edited those conversations to the vital few and saved them on CD. She never knew about my DV taping until she planned to get me out of house and grabbed stuff of hers and found my backups.
She gets a restraining order (RO) on me in affidavit she admits affair and very weak reasons she was afraid of me and also stated I was recording her in her car. Judge for RO asks me about recording, I plead the 5th. So 9/11 I get thrown out, kept away for 4 months from DD, 5 at the time plus I was a stay at home dad. D was July 2012, her attorney states she will let RO expired in Sept 2012, 1 year after issued. She shows up, I did not, my mistake put in calendar the following day, so RO automatically extended for another year.

Now Sept 2013 I attend re-hearing to have RO vacated, no more reason for it, we’d D and I did not violate RO. In front of Judge she, let me make it clear was a female judge, reads affidavit states I remember this, asks ex why she wants the RO extended. She is stilled scared and I had, out of frustration on a few child support checks put letters on check (IHUFC – probably can figure this one out another was IKWURA – I Know Who You Really Are). Judge asks what these letters mean and I say no meaning, just random letters so I can track. I know, I know I should not have put that on the checks, stupid mistake.

Anyway, judge then asks me something that blew me away…, paraphrasing, I know you’re within your right pleading the 5th but we are in a civil court.., do you want to explain about those recordings… I stated I did not have legal representation and will keep my right to not further say anything.

I spoke with my D attorney and another and they never heard a judge try to goad someone into breaking their 5th right. Unbelievable!!!

RO got extended for another year.

[This message edited by redshift at 2:14 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

phmh posted 9/27/2013 15:03 PM

Trying to be as gentle as possible -- but from what you've written, I can understand why the RO might have been extended.

What are you doing to show that you are a stable, responsible person so that it should be lifted next year?

I am no lawyer, but if I were you, I'd be doing tangible things that I could use to show that it's no longer needed.

Writing those notes on the checks makes you seem very unstable, as does missing the appointment the previous year.

Perhaps you could go through an anger management class, start doing volunteer work, or something else recommended by your lawyer to try to provide evidence that it's no longer needed.

I hope you find peace and happiness.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/27/2013 15:03 PM

Has your L indicated to you that you could get in trouble for admitting to recording your (atthetime)stbxww?

hexed posted 9/27/2013 15:07 PM

I'm sorry. Something similar happened to my SO. His X had him served with D papers and an RO on his return from Iraq. Reason: He might have PTSD so she's scared. No history of violence. No threats. Makes it nearly impossible to see his kids b/c the RO is crazy.

At the 1 yr renewal, D is final. SO shows up w/o representation. D gets extended. 2nd renewal I was there to witness the craziness. I could not believe what I saw/heard.

Judge asks her why she wants a renewal. 'She's still scared and has bad dreams about my SO'. Judge asks if there has been any violations of the RO. "No" from SO's XWW. Judge's response: That's good. The RO is doing what its supposed to. Renewed for another year!"

SO took an attorney the next time. No RO.

Let me be clear: My SO has no history of violence. Had not made any threats to her. Had gone out of his way to avoid violating the RO. Had missed visitation with his children to avoid violating the RO. And it was renewed. I would not have believed this could happen if I had not seen it play out in front of me.

I'm so sorry this happened.

redshift posted 9/27/2013 15:17 PM

Yes hexed kind of similar. I had none, zero reasons to get an RO and there was never, any, violations. The RO judge will always CYA, most woman will get the RO implemented or extended. It's a tool to be used. My ex is well versed in D & holds a director position in state dept of ED, so judge viewed her as someone to believe. I too am professional, I hold 2 degrees from BU. I am not a screw up and look professional. Ex was D'ed prior to me and her sister 3 Ds. I call them professional D'ees.

Al the judge needed to do was state don't write anymore things on the check.

I cannot stand ex for what she did to me and the relationship to my DD.

All of the ex actions were to inflict maximum pain and distress to my life. She ruined me financially.
However, I have bounced back.

[This message edited by redshift at 3:19 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

redshift posted 9/27/2013 15:32 PM

Yes gonnabe2016, I did speak with L, and posed question if I did spill my guts in front of judge. I would be admitting and ex could use that to charge me in civil court.

So question is was judge trying to help ex get me in trouble? And WHY would the judge do this???

gonnabe2016 posted 9/27/2013 16:06 PM

was judge trying to help ex get me in trouble?

Obviously I wasn't there to see the scene in person and so I don't know what was said or how it was said or in what tone it was said, yadayada..... so maybe the female judge just has it *out* for men. Maybe she's just *phoning it in*. Or, perhaps she was offering you a chance to plead your case and tell your story and get the order lifted.

People do some really horrific things to others and if that judge does a lot of RO hearings.....I'm sure that she's heard some awful stories that were told by perfectly respectable-looking people. She doesn't know *why* you made those recordings, kwim? Without any frame of reference, it could possibly look like stalker-ish behavior. So she's left guessing about your motivation and reasoning for the recording.....and NOW she's looking at mysterious letters on checks sent to your x. Doesn't sound as if she *bought* your explanation....

Just out of curiousity.....what could she file a suit against you for? Do you think that she would bother to do that? She could have done it 2 years ago and didn't.

ETA: Read your order. I'll bet that you have a window of time in which you can appeal the decision.......

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 4:09 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

redshift posted 9/27/2013 16:17 PM

Thanks for the response gonnabe2016.
My L advised not to break my 5th statement.

I can only guess the real motive why judge wanted me to break my silence, but to me it seems very unusual, as did both attorneys.