Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Feeling Lost - Sorry in advance it is so long

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

HurtFeelings posted 9/27/2013 15:02 PM

This is going to be a really long story but I am going to lay it all out. About a year ago I found out that my fiancé (been together 8 years and refer to each other as husband and wife) was having an affair. I confronted him and he told me that she was a friend in a sexless marriage (husband had been in a car accident) and that it was a purely sexual relationship with no emotional ties. I read chat logs that backed all of this up. We hash it out, I made the decision to forgive him and move forward, and tried to rebuild my trust.
Fast forward 6 months. He is commenting on a co-workers Facebook page and pictures with some pretty flirtatious things, just bordering on inappropriate. I watch them over the next month or so. I see him texting when he never texts (has a “dumb” phone so it is hard) so one night I look through the texts. They are more of the same, only at this point have crossed the line. Again, all sexual nothing emotional and nothing to indicate any contact had actually happened. I confront him, he cuts off all contact with her immediately and I felt it was the end of it. This one wasn’t hard to get past for me.
Six weeks ago he was cast as the lead in a play. He has a woman playing a love interest opposite of him. About 3 weeks ago I was on his computer (actually completely innocent, I really am not a snoop) and a chat message popped up from her. It talked about rehearsing their kissing scene and how it made her so flustered she forgot her lines, and how she couldn’t wait to see him. I read through the rest of the chat and it was just so cryptic. It was somewhat sexual but not always lining up if that makes sense. I immediately drove down to the theatre and confronted him about it. He told me that the director of the play was not happy with their chemistry and told them they needed to make the romantic lines believable. He said this is their way of making a spark on stage. I told him that that sounded weird, and why didn’t he just come out and tell me this. He said he knew with his history I would go crazy and so he tried to hide it.
The next day he made me a homemade card (one of our things) and I left work early to take him a coffee at work. I wasn’t feeling good and was sort of abrupt with him but I did thank him for the card. He acted completely distant and not interested in me at all, basically saying bye, see you when I get home. I got home and pulled up the chat log. His behavior that afternoon was just too off. In the chat he had a long convoluted story to her about how I was asking questions and he fended me off by blaming it on the director and everything was ok now. I called him and asked if he would meet up with me to talk before rehearsal. We met and talked about how I was feeling about what was going on (not mentioning the chat I saw that day), and he admitted to being scared of failing at the play. I told him I really wanted to trust him again, but what I saw hurt my feelings. He said that she is in a troubled marriage and was really taking it too far, but he didn’t see how he could stop things without ruining the play. I pulled out the copy of the chat log and asked if he could explain to me why he even felt the need to say that; why didn’t he just leave it alone? He was livid that I had gone into his email and we had a really big fight about trust.
Four days later, after the second actual performance of the play he came to bed and hugged me and apologized. He told me that he wanted to put the past behind us and move forward with our lives. I told him I was willing to work on things; I am going to therapy and would like it if he would join me when I reached that point. He agreed. I told him that I trust him to put a stop to things when they need to be stopped and to know where that point is.
It has been a week since then and things are strange. We are spending a lot of quality time together at home, and things are back to normal with us, if not a little better. What I haven’t stopped doing is checking in on his chat logs with her. This is where I get confused. There is a surface emotional affair going on between them, but it is strange. There is a lot of lovey dovey talk but nothing physical has happened outside of the play and those “rehearsal” kisses. What is strange about it is that he is lying to her about our relationship. He is telling her that I am hassling him about her and that I am basically being a jealous freak. This morning we woke up, cuddled a little bit then I got in the shower. He joined me, we had some shower fondling then I got out while he finished his shower. While I was lotioning up/getting dressed he came into the room and we started making out, and eventually making love. In his chat with her he told her “Funny story, I am in trouble. Apparently I was speaking Spanish gibberish in my sleep last night” (They chat sometimes in Spanish using google translate). She said you got in trouble for gobbledygook? He replied it was romantic sounding. She said you can’t win for losing can you? He said meh, it is worth it. I just can’t figure out the game he is playing. Is he trying to make her feel sorry for him? Is he trying to make her back off so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy? Is he just f’ing around with both of us?
I am leaving tomorrow night to go on a work trip until Wednesday night. I had seen some talk in the chats about going out for drinks after he drops me off at the airport. I told him I don’t feel comfortable with the kids being alone for long periods at night and he kind of poo poo’d it. Now I see that it is a whole cast thing Saturday night.
I am just so confused about what is really going on. My inclination is to wait out the duration of the play (last show October 20th), see if the contact with her ends after that, and keep going to my therapist to work through my issues to be the best me I can be 
Advice? Comments?

Sweets09 posted 9/27/2013 16:17 PM

Dear Hurt Feelings, I am sorry about all you are going through, unfortunately you are now part of "The Club".

My opinion, WHY WAIT? Regardless of what he is doing with her, he is flat out lying to you and making you look like a fool over and over again. Not to mention, playing with your already fragile emotions with the shower scenes and love making....You have to value yourself more then that!

I just found out about my H PA about a month ago and every time I snoop and/ or directly ask him questions...a little bit more information comes out and a little bit more of my self esteem goes down the drain.

When is enough- enough? When do we stop letting them chip away at us one email, text message or "kiss" at a time?

I say- take a stand for your children and especially yourself! You/ WE deserve better!!!!

HurtFeelings posted 9/27/2013 16:43 PM

Thank you for responding. So you think I should just leave? Not try to work things out? I am honestly still so much in love with him and our family.

Sweets09 posted 9/27/2013 16:52 PM

I cant tell you what you should do, but I do think you need to take more of a stance for yourself and your kids.

I still love my WH very much! That is the worst part for me ( probably all of us). But without self respect, we/you will slowly sink into depression and that is a tough hole to dig yourself out of.

All I'm saying is- don't let him TAKE anymore from you then he already has. If you're going to try and R, then set boundaries and stick to them( make sure he does as well) consistent in your efforts for a brighter future-whether together or on your own.

HurtFeelings posted 9/27/2013 16:56 PM

Thank you, I guess I was confused on what you meant by why wait. I feel like confronting him right now before I go on the trip is not the right thing to do. There is not an option of not going on the trip. When I get back there are 12 more shows. I am feeling like revealing the snooping before I find out where it is really going might not be the best way to go, but I definitely want to hear what others think, especially people who have been through this.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy