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He Gave Up

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hopefor1day posted 9/27/2013 15:11 PM

My Husband says he has given up on us. He says he is just trying to manage in our situation for now but that he doesn't want to be alone. I can tell that he is emotionally unattached from me and he has no desire to even be around me at times. He says that he can not get passed my lying and that I hurt him way beyond anything that can be fixed.
But he tells me that he does love me sometimes everything seems like its going to be ok and that he is coming around.
We both have been going to IC and I have been working on me and trying to figure out how this happened.
I read a lot of articles online and even blogs with other stories of infidelity. When I read those things, I feel so much hope and faith that our love is strong enough to overcome this obstacle and create a new and happy life for us. I know it will take a lot of hard work and that it will not be easy but if I am the only one feeling this way how can it ever work? If he has lost his faith in me and our relationship is there anything I can continue to do to show him my dedication and faithfulness to him or is it really to late?
One of things that we are stuck on is that I never came clean to him when he asked. I always lied to him or just gave him enough information to answer his questions. Everything is all out now after 2 years but 1. he doesn't trust me and what I say to him and 2. he cant get over that I never came clean in the first place and wishes I would have.
I know I cant go back in time and change this and that all I can do is be honest and open with him now and never make those mistakes again. How can I help him passed this hurdle?
I just want him to be happy again. I miss his smile, his laughter his love for life. It has all vanished and disappeared. He finds joy in nothing and I'm not sure how I can help him besides being supportive and positive for us and our relationship when all he sees is my past mistakes and how I was a liar and a cheater.

heartache101 posted 9/27/2013 15:39 PM

I am a BS and I will tell you time.. That second year is the anger stage add on to that your trickle truth and you have an angry BS.
Show him every day you are a different person. Every single day. Don't lax one day you have to have your game on girl.
From messages to long letters to talks. Do you text him? Do you pop in at his work (if you can) to just take him to lunch all dolled up?? When you are out do you put your arm around him and touch him make him feel important??
Go all out over the top.
Plan special quiet time for you two to bond and reconnect. Think of what you might of done early in the relationship that held a great importance to the both of you. Do that or something similar.
You can have a great relationship. FWIW, I often gave up and said F I am out of here. It is a phase for most but if you don't pay attention and work hard it won't be a phase but reality.
Good luck and I hope to see you doing what I am doing this year! Celebrating 30 year anniversary
It can happen!

1DumbHusband posted 9/28/2013 09:40 AM

Hope: I have found myself in a similar situation. I TT for 2 months after DDay and i am just now able to move forward with my BS. We still have those days too. The only thing you can do is try and show your BS that you are a different person and are working on yourself to ensure this never happens again. There will be good and bad days for a long time and hopefully you both have the resolve to stick it out! Sending good thoughts your way for better days ahead!

cluless posted 9/29/2013 16:13 PM


BS here, although I've been dealing with this for over a year, I had TT for ONE year before someone else told me the truth and my WH finally told me "some" of the truth and it took another 3 weeks to get the rest of it.

From my perspective, relationships are built on trust. So I'm ALSO having issues with that. My WH is lost trying to figure out HOW he can ever make this up to me and IF I can ever trust him again. Your BH loves you, but if his pain was 1/2 of what mine has been then you've got a rough road ahead of you. I see you both are in IC, have you done MC? Have you read books together on infidelity? Are you doing all the work, and he's just stewing in his pain?

I would HATE to see myself in this much pain, losing appreciation for life, not eating, etc. What has HE done to get better? There are ways to get through this, at least that's what I'm told. I'm like that with my WH, I can be fine for a couple of weeks and BOOM total chaos.

I'm going to give you some advice that my BFF gave me who had her WH cheat on her FIVE times. She decided whether or not the marriage was good before, was there love? Was there good times? Do you have history together? (this is your BH role now to look at). If he answers "yes" THEN it can be saved. It's going to be extremely painful, this type of betrayal is beyond any pain you can imagine. I've been in physical pain for over 33 years, that is NOTHING compared to this. I've been hospitalized and almost died due to my illness. I'd RATHER have that than this. When somebody betrays you like this, you feel like "who" you are is gone. We wrap ourselves up into our spouses and that is our "safe" place. We can ALWAYS depend on them to be there when we need them. We also trust that they are honest with us and when that's broken and the continued deceit, HOW can he trust what you say. I tell my WH YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO, UNTIL.....

It's time to face YOUR fears. Believe it or not, YOU also need to find out where you stand and if you should move on. Ask him the above questions, if he answers yes... GREAT If he answers no, then you have your answer. You both need help with a MC to guide you back together. I can't imagine how bad you feel, because so many people are affected by this, it goes so much deeper than just satisfying whatever you felt you needed at the time. Imagine your mom dumping you in the dumpster when your 3. THAT'S how it feels. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

So Hope PUSH, get some indication of where this marriage stands, then act appropriately. I really wish you the best, we all make mistakes.

hopefor1day posted 9/30/2013 22:40 PM

Many thanks to you all for the kind words of advice and sharing your experiences. Its nice to feel some support from others who have had a similar situation. I try everyday to make my husband feel loved, wanted and special. I try to text him and call him as often as I can. I will put cards in his lunch or leave a note for him when he wakes up. Sometimes though it feels as it is not enough. I know it takes a million times more effort than ever to be able to show him that I am not that person that made the mistakes that I did in the past.
I know that time is the key and my actions will be proof to him that he can love and trust me again. I have not lost my faith in us and I can only hope that someday he will gain his back.
We have not done MC in over 2 years and have just started up the IC in the last couple months. Maybe this is something that we need to do more of together as a team. Thanks again everyone!

FR2012 posted 10/1/2013 00:41 AM

There have been a lot of days where my husband has told me that he doesn't want to do this anymore because it hurts too bad. We usually ends up shedding some tears and talking through it with each other.

The most recent time was just this past Saturday. I had to work on Saturday and I noticed that progressively over the course of the day he had become more and more distant to me. At the end of the day when I send him some messages he didn't respond. I was starting to get worried. So when I got home from work, we had a talk. He told me that sometimes this is really hard because it hurts too much. And that he doesn't know if he wants to continue doing this, but he also tells me that he wants me and wants to work through things. Sometimes it is hard to tell what he wants so all I can do is just be there for him and talk to him about things. I know that we can make it through this. It is hard.

Just keep being there for your spouse and talk to him. Hopefully you can work through things no matter how hard it is. Keep your chin up, it can work. And if you keep your mind in the state that you want it to be, it will work.

hopefor1day posted 10/2/2013 22:15 PM

We have many days like that where I can tell just when we wake up in the morning that he is not feeling the best and as the day goes by I can feel the tension more and more. It seems as though that we can go around 5-7 good days then we have a bad one. It usually ends up with us talking and me feeling like I am failing at everything and never doing anything good enough or that I am not living up to his standards of what he needs from me. I feel like no matter what its not enough and that I made to many bad decisions and no matter how many good decisions I make there will never be enough to overcome the bad. I know that I need to be strong and keep trying. I know that in time things will be better and that we can enjoy life to its fullest. I just hope that he wants the same for us too.

sh714 posted 10/4/2013 12:47 PM

My wife had an affair and I just found out not long ago. But what I need is to know she feels the pain i feel and try everyday to show me she is sorry and to come to me for affection even if I reject it over and over again. He might need to know your worth the effort. but If you truly love him then you are going to but every minute into showing your regret and love. If hes still there then there is hope. I decided that IC wasn't for us and we needed MC. For me this is something that affected us both and we need to work out everything together to see if there will be something at the end. It may be helpful for him to sit in one of your IC sessions to hear things that you talk about. For me I don't believe what my wife says I believe what I see in her eyes and feel from her actions. This being said I am still in a lot of pain and pissed at her more than I have ever been. I hope you can work things out and for me going to a MC is the best option because its something that affects you both and its good to hear what the other is saying.

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