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catatonic posted 9/27/2013 15:22 PM

As I am trying to uncover more details of the A from WS, I feel as though I am getting a watered down version. Portraying OW as the one who initiated. There was no LOVE, just S.. I would like to know if she felt the same.

SabbyKat posted 9/27/2013 15:25 PM

I got OW's side first before I spoke to my SO.Way I look at it both of them are only going to give me half truths .SO all you can do is try to put the piece together

mchercheur posted 9/27/2013 16:04 PM

(((catatonic)))

OW is a lier. Obviously, she couldn't care less about you, so you can't believe one word she says.

Reality posted 9/27/2013 16:05 PM

I spoke with all of them. They even forwarded me chats and emails. Most of the time, the deceit isn't just leveled at us, the betrayed partner. The APs get their share of lies, as well. When they realize this, most are pissed off and happy to vent.

I know that doesn't include every situation by any stretch of the imagination. Also, the APs have their own agenda that won't necessarily line up with yours. So it's a gamble, but one that can pay off big if you're smart and don't expect some "fair" treatment or for them to join your team.

In our situation, I literally had all the proof in black and white from the APs. My WH couldn't continue to gaslight his way with the "That's not how I meant it!" schtick he had used up to the additional information. In our case, also, the women were understandably upset and betrayed that he'd portrayed himself so falsely and were happy to throw him under the bus and apologize to me.

I made sure to phrase things so that they knew I was concerned FOR them, that I didn't want additional people pulled into the pain. I didn't make it about me as much as I could, which sounds just about as crazy as it felt at the time, but it played out well.

[This message edited by Reality at 4:05 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Gemini71 posted 9/27/2013 16:14 PM

I talked to one of the OW who was also my BFF. I got a lot more of the truth from her than from STBXH. But our situation was unique. Just remember to take everything with a grain of salt.

nzgirl posted 9/27/2013 16:34 PM

sitting here trying to decide whether to do the same thing... can't figure out if i am doing it to hurt myself, i.e. keep picking at the scab or if it actually is going to help...

SabbyKat posted 9/27/2013 16:46 PM

Only reason I spoke to ow is she was the one who told me she had sex with my SO and is preg with his child.I would have never contacted her myself

Razor posted 9/27/2013 17:28 PM

I spoke to the OM over the phone.

For me it only made things worse. He took no responsibility. Blamed me for WW cheating. And lied continually.

Do it if you feel you must. But beware that any convo with a OP is crazy making.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 9/27/2013 17:39 PM

I spoke to OM over the phone as well. Got some apologies, but no real truth. He told me that he had come clean with his wife and that he had moved out. Ummm, nope...I know this because I called his wife a few days later and had the "un-pleasure" of telling her about my wife and her husband.

Now, I did get some truth and details from the other BS.

As far as the AP goes, they are liars who have been living a lie. I wouldn't expect them to all of a sudden tell the truth.

TICKED OFF posted 9/27/2013 17:50 PM

Sure I talked to ow. She was my neighbor and so called friend. When I got that gut feeling that something was going on I deliberately went over to her house with gifts to soften her up at bit. I did this two times before I brought the hammer down.

Ow (to a point) sang like a bird telling me that it was h who was always coming over to her house, h who was always calling her, h who was the one who wouldn't leave her alone. Didn't believe her then, wouldn't believe her now.

My point is, even if you did speak to the ow, remember this, they lie, plain and simple. What would make you think that someone who betrayed you in the worst possible way by having an a with your spouse would EVER give you the truth. In my own experience, both my h and the whore lied to save their own souls. Hell, 9 years post a and I can't even get the truth out of h let alone his former screw partner.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/27/2013 17:58 PM

When I found out by texts in my WHs phone they had said they loved each other. His version is that he never felt anything for her, it was just sex and the only reason he said he loved her is bc she said it first and he felt like if he didnt say it back she would tell me. He says that on his end it was just sex, that he never had any real feelings for her. She intiated him, she also told her BBF that she started it so I know that much to be true. My WH told me the only reason he kept it going after the first time (they only saw each other 3x but Im getting a detailed cell bill tomorrow to verify) is bc she was talking about how she loved him and wanted him to leave me for her. He was afraid that she would tell me bc she was acting like she was madly in love with him.

To me idk how you can really love someone in that situation. Of course its easy to feel attached bc when youre sneaking around theres no kids to get in the way of sex, no talks of bills, housework, kids etc, all you do is screw the other person and be on your way (thats how it was for my WH anyway, or so he says). So of course its easy to get lost in a fog of thinking how wonderful things are bc youre not facing day to day life with that OP.

Im still wrapping my head around my WHs A. Dday for me was August 9, 2013. I want to say Im positive that he never had feelings for her as their A only lasted a month and they only got to talk a couple times outside of work and see each other three times. But of course Im leery about everything now and I think the worst regardless of what he says to me. Especially when I get slight TT from him about things bc hes afraid of pissing me off even more.

I personally couldnt talk to the OW without beating her to death bc she crossed a line and hurt my family, I have anger issues and since all this I have come to realize its worse than I thought. Good luck!!!

[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 6:58 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 9/27/2013 18:08 PM

I would give this more time before talking to OW. Some WS can take a while to get it together enough to spill it all. Not necessarily TT, but trying to admit it to themselves. If you feel he is out right lying, give him a date to get everything to you. Have him start with a loose timeline and then work like hell to fill in the blanks. He needs to tell you "what" long before you he needs to get the "why's".

If after a few months you feel you do not have the truth, then evaluate talking to the OW. But remember, do not tell WS, and, the OW may feel she owes you nothing.

There is your WS version of the truth, the OW version of the truth, and the real truth. The last is the devil to get.

TICKED OFF posted 9/27/2013 18:15 PM

As far as I am concerned to this very day, they both lied. The best part is when they started to lie about each other. Oh such a fantasy until they get caught then they will turn on each other to save their own skin. Love, ain't it grand????

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 6:15 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

catatonic posted 9/27/2013 18:38 PM

Thank you for all the responses. I'm not looking for the truth from OW. I was looking to compare her story to WS. I have a gut feeling WS is not coming clean. Just covering enough to pacify me. He says he is committed to me and to R. But he can not recall specifics if A. " it was only sex". They never did things together. Never talked about the A or being married". I just gave him letter to come clean

Thank you everyone

LostAngry posted 9/27/2013 18:50 PM

I have two separate stories. I spoke with the OW in my personal situation. She lied and said it was my fault WS left me for her.

I also exchanged private messages with an OW from an erotic site when I was exposing cheating men to their wives. She denied up and down even knowing the man she is having an affair with. I sent her one private message that had information about the husband and wife's relationship that I knew would rattle her. I found a chink in her armor when she responded by asking me to stop trying to hurt her. If she did not know that man and was not having an affair with him; why would any information about his relationship with his wife hurt her? Unfortunately, I sent the conversation to the wife and she still could not bring herself to see the truth right in front of her.

If you confront the OW, you should ask questions she will not be expecting, I suppose they could be considered trick questions. It worked for me.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/27/2013 19:07 PM

Catonic, my WH said they never spoke of the A, that she started pressuring him immediately after it go to a PA level to leave me. I know that sex can cause an emotional attachment with us women so I can uderstand that on her level but really? She has two kids and a fiance, she wasnt just a single woman who got caught up. According to her BBF she came clean to him, but i think the only reason she did is bc I told her that I had told him via facebook so she felt she had no choice. I have talked to her BBF and compared stories, she lied to him about pretty much everything. It amazed me how much truth I found out my WH had told me bc she left out so many things that I was able to fill in bc of what my WH told me.

My point is that I doubt you will get much truth from her but if you feel that talking with her to see what you can figure out will help then only you know how you will react. I have asked some things that I didnt like the answers and I wish I hadnt but I know that if I didnt know the answers it would eat at me and I would slowly die a little more inside

TICKED OFF posted 9/27/2013 19:26 PM

I understand what you are talking about. I too would have love to have talked to ow after I caught them to find out if their stories jived. But again I say that it would have made no difference because all I would have gotten were two sets of lies to compare stories to. See what I mean.

Gr8Lady posted 9/27/2013 20:27 PM

Absolutely, but IMHO the timing needs to be right. I can assure you the wayward lied to the affair partner just as much as they lie to us (betrayed).
Trust your gut....that is the only thing you can believe in.

Gemini71 posted 9/27/2013 20:46 PM

Isn't it amazing how the WS and AP never remember the details? As if the A that devastated my life was of such little importance to them. I had to go back in our cell phone records to get the real timeline.

What it boils down to is this. I you feel that you need to talk to the OW for some sort of closure, do so. If you feel it will just be "picking at the scab", don't. You're the only one that can make that decision.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/27/2013 20:59 PM

Im positive that the AP was lied to by the WS. I know that my WH made it seem that we were having problems, that I was the bad guy, he was the victim in our mariage etc. He told her things that should have been discussed with me and only me, h told her things about our problems that he never should have. He told me the things he told her. I also know that she told him lies as well to make herself appear as the injured person. If they were all truths she wouldnt be still planning her wedding. I would expect her to lie but maybe theres a chance shes consumed with guilt that she would just tell thruths...I really doubt it though (thats the optimist in me). The OW in my situation is a coward and wouldnt answer any of my questions so I know I wont get anywhere talking to her.

Just have to realize that theres a chance the whole truth will never fully rear its ugly head I guess