Feeling like an idiot...
I have, what appears to everyone, as the most wonderful caring husband, totally dedicated to his family. He can charm anyone, anywhere... It feels like his whole life is one big act and I am totally sucked in.
When we first met 7 years ago, he had been straight-up honest that he had a porn addiction. “Ok” I said, “Thank you for telling me” (I had no idea what that meant). (Hmm red flag #1?)
A year later we got engaged and I was over the moon! I kept trying to “friend” him on Facebook but he wouldn’t, saying he was never on the site... (Hmm red flag #2) When he finally did “friend” me there was absolutely no reference to me at all. Photos of parties we had been at together, photos of our friends, no photos of me, no mention of me (#3).
After being engaged for about a month, I found photos on his computer that he had taken of women on the beach, the neighbour through the trees (#4). Not to mention illegal, this was disgusting. I was wild. I got the tears and the apologies and “I have a problem” and “I love you” and “I will do anything”. We reconciled and decided to keep going.
6 months after we were married he went away for 5 months to Police College in another part of the country. I stayed at home working my behind off to pay the mortgage on a single income. 2 months into it, the phone calls stopped, the texts stopped. No letters. He was “busy”. I gave him his space because I thought he was super nervous about failing and all that would mean. He came home and we started married life together. Months later he left his phone at home one day and I checked it for the first time ever. He had a physical affair for months with another Police recruit and continued it via the phone when he returned home (#5). I got the tears and the apologies and “I have a problem” and “I love you” and “I will do anything”. We went to counselling where I begged the counsellor to help me because I was not coping AT ALL. I was beyond devastated. I felt like I was dying. The sessions were all about how I didn’t allow my husband the opportunity to express his feelings. Felt even worse after those sessions I tell you!! We reconciled and decided to keep going.
A year later I was pregnant with our first wonderful son. I checked his phone for the first time in ages and found messages from another woman arranging times to meet up (#6). He swore he was just meeting up to “exercise” with her and that nothing was going on, he just couldn’t find the way to tell me. I was wild. I got the tears and the apologies and “I have a problem” and “I love you” and “I will do anything”. We reconciled and decided to keep going.
We are now in our 5th year of marriage and have two amazing boys – 3yo and 16m. Two days ago I checked his phone for the first time in years. He has been having another physical affair for the past few months (#7). Again, I have the tears and the apologies and “I have a problem” and “I love you” and “I will do anything”.
I decided this was enough – asked him to leave, told my family everything. But now I am having second thoughts... we brought two boys into this world, shouldn’t we try to give them the best we can...
Right now, I feel so so ill. I replay every single incident over and over in my head. I am disgusted and completely utterly beyond devastated. My husband is begging me, saying he will do whatever it takes, he will fight with everything he has to save this marriage.
My family (completely devastated themselves because they LOVE him and never saw this coming) say leave him and fight it out on my own. But none of them have ever been through anything like this at all and for them, infidelity = the end. They don’t know any different.
Please, has anyone been through something similar and they actually stayed together and everything turned out ok??? Has anyone got a happy ending on this??
Believe me I know how terrible it sounds and even reading this I know I sound like a complete idiot. If you were to meet us we are both strong, charismatic, life of the party, professional types that really should have some clue. I know even discussing even the idea of reconciliation is pure insanity but I have two little boys whose whole world is their dad. I would do it for them.
Arr I feel everyone pressuring me to go one way or the other and I just don’t know what to do. Feel like crap. Would quite like to go to bed and stay there but I have to plaster a smile on my face, look after the boys, go to work...