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What made you and your spouse decide on R?

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broken12 posted 9/27/2013 17:47 PM

I'm having a hard time with the reason my WH gave for wanting R. I've told WH from the beginning that I was willing to try R because I love him and for our 2 small children. He started IC and decided that he wanted to try R for the kids. I don't feel like this is enough. What made you and your spouse decide? Is doing this for the kids enough?

Lucky posted 9/27/2013 17:56 PM

I personally don't believe in doing anything for the kids because its your marriage not theirs. Kids will grow up, move on and move out and then where does that leave you?

We decided to R because we'd been married 20 years & have a history of getting through some really tough stuff. Our kids were 15 & 18 at the time and were quite frankly never a consideration. I'm a believer in the "it's better to be from a broken home than living in one"

If you want to R it should be because you deeply love each other and truly want a successful marriage.

Mack9512 posted 9/27/2013 18:01 PM

We decided to R for ourselves. Not for our DD7 and not because it was 'the right thing to do'. We are in R because we truly love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

For us it was that simple. It took a long time to get to this point (I had to go through 5 false Rs) and there was a lot of screaming, crying and pain involved getting us here but it is where we are meant to be.

StillStanding1 posted 9/27/2013 18:16 PM

Whoa, Mack, FIVE false R's??? How did you survive that? And get to where you are now?

Broken, I agree with Lucky and Mack that it HAS to be because you love each other. My WH and I are still very much struggling in R, but we agreed from the start, if we were going to do this, we wanted our M to come out fantastic after all this. For us, not our kids. They would be the beneficiaries of witnessing the R process.

But truly, living in a loveless M is no way to live. On the other hand, I don't know how recent your Dday is. I think sometimes it takes a WS a long time to figure out what they want and get their head straight.

Have you read "Not Just Friends"? It's excellent. I'm only partway through, but it's really helping me understand the complexities involved. I would highly recommend it.

Best of luck to you. Wishing you healing and peace.

TimeToManUp posted 9/27/2013 18:22 PM

Easy for me to say as the WS, but I never wanted to leave. I wanted R from th second she confronted me. It did, however, take me a long time to change my shitty, selfish behaviors that were hindering any possibility of a successful R. We were literally one answer away from D when BS looked into my eyes and said to me "You look TIRED... It's OK to say that you are done." To which I responded "I don't want us to end... I iust can't keep going like this anymore."

Things have been up and down since then, but MUCH more up than down. I truly love her, and she MUST love me to have put up with so much shit for so long.

SadFlower posted 9/27/2013 19:10 PM

Remorse. Deep remorse.

And the fact that he chose the M right away and established NC immediately.

And that he said that he loved me.

And that in spite of everything, he had not yet managed to kill the love I had for him.

But the biggest thing for me was remorse, if he hadn't been remorseful and agreed to NC, I would have thrown him out on his ear.

sailorgirl posted 9/27/2013 19:14 PM

Staying together for the kids is not enough. Actually, love is not enough for me either.

I decided on R because fWH's actions showed total remorse, because he went to IC twice a week for months, and because he is still a great match for me. (In fact, now he's a better husband because he's emotionally healthy with solid boundaries.)

He is smart, kind, understanding, a hard worker, and a generous lover. We like a lot of the same recreational activities and have a blast doing them together. We agree on the basic values we're teaching our kids and how to raise them. He treats my parents and sisters with respect and frequently helps them out.

When our kids move out into the world, we will grieve the loss of living in our family team. But we'll also be excited to have more time as a couple. I don't think we'll ever run out of interesting conversations, places we want to go together, friends we have in common and activities we want to share.

I think it's great that your H is in IC. I hope he comes up with some better reasons than the kids.

bionicgal posted 9/27/2013 22:04 PM

I always thought an affair was a dealbreaker. My knee jerk reaction on DDay was that I would fight for my "family," but that wasn't the whole truth. The reality is I love my H a great deal, knew he loved me, was dumbfounded and horrified by what he was done, but still knew in my heart that he was a good man. His AP was a friend of ours, and something I will never be able to forgive her, is that she knew these things about us as well.

I have learned so much in the past few months -- and I am getting closer to having the marriage I deserve. The same is true for him, and I think amongst the hurt, we are both very optimistic. I hope eventually this is something we look back on that we weathered together, but it is no easy feat, that is for sure. We still have miles of introspection, and lots of skills to work on to ensure we get a happy ending.

StillGoing posted 9/27/2013 22:25 PM

I told my wife I loved her and either she could end her affair and we could try to work this out, or we could divorce and I would do my best to be amicable and reasonable about it so we could move on. She gave me her phone and asked me to run it over with the car. I dunno why she decided to R, I decided to R because she's hot. Also, I love her and she's awesome, we have kids, she's awesome, etc.

I don't think staying for the kids alone is a good idea. Being miserable, even if you can fake happy? Your kids are gonna find out. I don't want my kids to feel sad about a sacrifice. I want them to feel like we did our best to be as happy as we could with ourselves and by extension, them. Obviously we all respect the parents that gave up everything for their kids, but we all wish those parents could be happy with their kids, too.

I think I had a bit too much rum tonight. :x

blakesteele posted 9/27/2013 22:40 PM

My reason? To grow through this.

I have determined my wifes A is not a deal breaker. Does that mean our marriage will survive? No.

At this point in time I believe my wife loves me and I love her. I also believe that if I choose not to R, I would be hard pressed to grow into the man I want to be...the stimulus for that growth (ie. the pain of this trauma) would dissipate enough from our separation that I would get into another relationship, enjoy the honeymoon phase, stop working on myself, and then watch a dreadful cycle repeat itself with a new person.

We have two small girls...they are a factor, but are not the primary driver behind my decision to R.

NOTE: I like to think of this as learning to R. It seems more prudent in our case as we have struggled with what R looks and feels like.

God be with us all.

mellie99 posted 9/28/2013 11:18 AM

I'm struggling with this one as well. I think it's way too early in the process for the WH and I to be considering R but I would love to be able to look back one day and say we survived this. Being 34w pregnant right now and separated for the past month has been really tough, and I hate to admit it but I miss him. It hurts my heart to see so many other pregnant couples I know that seem so happy and here I am preparing to potentially be a single mother.

WH has started going to IC finally, but it's only been about 3 sessions and it's only because I insisted he go. He thanks me now for encouraging him and says it's helping him, but like I said it's way too soon to be thinking he's made any permanent changes. At what point did you guys feel comfortable in saying your WS was truly working on recovery and that you were ready to give it another go?

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 9/28/2013 11:31 AM

Many of the same sentiments as above. Especially about having gotten through tough things together before, having been together for 15 years total, him being so remorseful and horrified by his own actions.
But mostly, and this is what I said to him...
I know him. He is a good man. He was in a dark place and felt he had no hope. He was lost and I couldn't help him.
Now, we are working on it together.
He is my best friend. I love him with every fiber of my soul. He is a good man, he just did some very bad things. I believe in him, and I truly believe in us. We are a little shakey and held together with duct tape right now, but every day is a new day.

eachdayisvictory posted 9/28/2013 11:40 AM

I would say my first reaction was to save our family as well. It was a total shock to me (as I'm sure it is for most) and all I could see was the pain on our children's faces. I was panicked about the kids for the first weeks, and believed that I would take anything for them. If we did not have children, there is no way I would have tried, but the other end of things became very different.
We went through three months of trying to figure out if staying was worth it. We both struggled with it and were so broken and unsure. Then the second Dday came and I discovered that they were still texting, and the whole game changed. I knew what I deserved and took some time to calmly and clearly communicate those needs to my H. I was ready to say goodbye if he could not meet my demands (NC, complete honesty, signed a contract). Since that woman has really been out of our lives, we have been able to remember why we came together and make our decision to reconcile based on the amazing qualities we share and the best friendship either of us has ever experienced. I really think that becoming parents was the biggest factor in our relationship troubles that led to my foolish fWH's choice to engage in the affair. It's still incredibly sad and disappointing, but at least I can see how it happened (in a way). As I became able to empathize with my husband in relation to our issues, I saw more and more of him come back, and the remorse followed suit.
There were many times in that first 3 months when my H acted as you have described yours to, and I am grateful that I didn't give up then.

Alex CR posted 9/28/2013 13:56 PM

I wasn't committed to R for quite a while....coming here to SI I was advised after Dday I didn't have to make any life changing decisions right away, in fact people suggested I wait a year.

In hindsight that was the best advice I took me a year to get through the pain, the shock and the anger before I really started thinking clearly and 'seeing' my H again.

H also, during that time was completely remorseful, went NC and did whatever I asked to help me heal and us fix our M.

As to kids, ours were grown and gone, but I do think trying to stay together for the sake of the kids is a good first step. You guys loved each other once and the immediate fallout from Dday is so disruptive to both in the marriage that I don't think taking six months or a year to try to work things out is a bad idea.

And during that time, you might find that love rekindled if you both work at it and the WS is remorseful, transparent and willing to do what it takes.


jjsr posted 9/28/2013 14:18 PM

Where to begin. I chose R for a number of reasons.
First off, the length of our relationship. He has been apart of most of my adult life. I have known him and loved him longer then not knowing him.
I saw the affects of his bad choices were doing to him and it wasn't good. Not only was his marriage hanging in the balance it was affecting his job, one that he loves and is very good at.
He wanted to fix things and was willing to do the work. R doesn't happen in a straight line, so it has not been easy, but now at 2+ years under our belt, I am beginning to see the old him, the man that I know him to really be,
Also money, thru out our relationship and marriage which is 28+ years, he has always made more money. I haven't worked outside the house for a long time now, and my standard of living would have dropped quite a bit. I believe I have contributed in a lot of ways, raising children, sometimes as a single parent, when the Army has sent him away, and in a lot of other ways. I like my standard of living so yes its a reason too.
If he wasn't willing to do the work, I wouldn't be here though regardless of my reasons for staying.

fireguy87 posted 9/28/2013 14:20 PM

For me reconciling was never a question. I loved her, that's why I married her.

My wife left me for 4 months to be with OM. Last year we were discussing a situation with someone else and she questioned the actions of someone. I told her that to this day, I don't know how we wound up together again. (I felt it was because she got blown off by the OM, since he had new action). She told me that she came home because she truly missed me.

I think we make each other better in the long run.

[This message edited by fireguy87 at 2:20 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

womaninflux posted 9/28/2013 14:47 PM

Sad Flower said: " spite of everything, he had not yet managed to kill the love I had for him"

This is pretty much the reason I am hanging in there.

To everyone whose H is doing this for the kids, hang in there. You will know if he's doing this for you, too. He may start out saying it's for the kids but hopefully it will shift to being for you, too. A good marriage counselor will make it abundantly clear. My H was initially doing this for the kids. He knows I will make good on the plan to divorce if we don't have a real marriage (as in love each other, committed to each other, having sex know the things that normal married people have in their relationship but but have been missing in our marriage for over a decade because he's been - unbeknown to be - an SA...). I've been clear about wanting to be divorced sooner rather than later in my life...He says he is getting closer to being able to meet my terms...we will see. He has about 9 more months to get there.

sisoon posted 9/28/2013 15:31 PM

I urge you to reread Alex CR's post. Watch how your H changes over time. If the changes are positive, the prognosis is good.

My case doesn't help you much - my W wanted R immediately, and her behavior confirmed that.

I will say one of my prime concerns was whether or not she was committed to me. It seems she is.... It took me a long time to see that, though.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:32 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

JustDesserts posted 9/28/2013 16:34 PM

I was on a business trip due to come home that night when my BW sent me a text in the afternoon saying she had found out everything about my affair, and that I should go to our vacation home instead. I called, and told her I wanted to come home to her, and us. I told her she was my soulmate, and always would be. She asked if I meant it. I said yes. She said okay. Our R began that moment, on our DDay, when I pointed my car home toward the woman I love...

broken12 posted 9/30/2013 16:46 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses. We are about 2 months out from DDay and 2 weeks out from what he says is NC. I am questioning a lot because I've been lurking for a while and read about wh/ww telling the bs how much they love them, etc. And I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I heard those words. I slipped and said it one night. As a ritual at bedtime I tell my kids "Goodnight, I love you." Said it to him and just got a goodnight back. Not sure if it doesn't feel right because he would tell ow or if he just doesn't feel the same.

We haven't really talked about the A because I really want to get into MC. But I'm feeling like things are faked/forced. (Date nights, kisses before leaving to work, conversation in general) I also question because he would bring up divorce if we got into arguments before NC and him deciding to try R but never to my knowledge, contacted or hired a lawyer. Claims he was so confused, didn't really want a divorce even though he would bring it up and that's why he never filed.

But I also feel liked doing this for our children isn't and never will be enough.

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