We decided to R because we'd been married 20 years & have a history of getting through some really tough stuff. Our kids were 15 & 18 at the time and were quite frankly never a consideration. I'm a believer in the "it's better to be from a broken home than living in one"
If you want to R it should be because you deeply love each other and truly want a successful marriage.
For us it was that simple. It took a long time to get to this point (I had to go through 5 false Rs) and there was a lot of screaming, crying and pain involved getting us here but it is where we are meant to be.
Broken, I agree with Lucky and Mack that it HAS to be because you love each other. My WH and I are still very much struggling in R, but we agreed from the start, if we were going to do this, we wanted our M to come out fantastic after all this. For us, not our kids. They would be the beneficiaries of witnessing the R process.
But truly, living in a loveless M is no way to live. On the other hand, I don't know how recent your Dday is. I think sometimes it takes a WS a long time to figure out what they want and get their head straight.
Have you read "Not Just Friends"? It's excellent. I'm only partway through, but it's really helping me understand the complexities involved. I would highly recommend it.
Best of luck to you. Wishing you healing and peace.
Things have been up and down since then, but MUCH more up than down. I truly love her, and she MUST love me to have put up with so much shit for so long.
And the fact that he chose the M right away and established NC immediately.
And that he said that he loved me.
And that in spite of everything, he had not yet managed to kill the love I had for him.
But the biggest thing for me was remorse, if he hadn't been remorseful and agreed to NC, I would have thrown him out on his ear.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
I decided on R because fWH's actions showed total remorse, because he went to IC twice a week for months, and because he is still a great match for me. (In fact, now he's a better husband because he's emotionally healthy with solid boundaries.)
He is smart, kind, understanding, a hard worker, and a generous lover. We like a lot of the same recreational activities and have a blast doing them together. We agree on the basic values we're teaching our kids and how to raise them. He treats my parents and sisters with respect and frequently helps them out.
When our kids move out into the world, we will grieve the loss of living in our family team. But we'll also be excited to have more time as a couple. I don't think we'll ever run out of interesting conversations, places we want to go together, friends we have in common and activities we want to share.
I think it's great that your H is in IC. I hope he comes up with some better reasons than the kids.
I have learned so much in the past few months -- and I am getting closer to having the marriage I deserve. The same is true for him, and I think amongst the hurt, we are both very optimistic. I hope eventually this is something we look back on that we weathered together, but it is no easy feat, that is for sure. We still have miles of introspection, and lots of skills to work on to ensure we get a happy ending.
I don't think staying for the kids alone is a good idea. Being miserable, even if you can fake happy? Your kids are gonna find out. I don't want my kids to feel sad about a sacrifice. I want them to feel like we did our best to be as happy as we could with ourselves and by extension, them. Obviously we all respect the parents that gave up everything for their kids, but we all wish those parents could be happy with their kids, too.
I think I had a bit too much rum tonight. :x
I have determined my wifes A is not a deal breaker. Does that mean our marriage will survive? No.
At this point in time I believe my wife loves me and I love her. I also believe that if I choose not to R, I would be hard pressed to grow into the man I want to be...the stimulus for that growth (ie. the pain of this trauma) would dissipate enough from our separation that I would get into another relationship, enjoy the honeymoon phase, stop working on myself, and then watch a dreadful cycle repeat itself with a new person.
We have two small girls...they are a factor, but are not the primary driver behind my decision to R.
NOTE: I like to think of this as learning to R. It seems more prudent in our case as we have struggled with what R looks and feels like.
God be with us all.
WH has started going to IC finally, but it's only been about 3 sessions and it's only because I insisted he go. He thanks me now for encouraging him and says it's helping him, but like I said it's way too soon to be thinking he's made any permanent changes. At what point did you guys feel comfortable in saying your WS was truly working on recovery and that you were ready to give it another go?
In hindsight that was the best advice I got....it took me a year to get through the pain, the shock and the anger before I really started thinking clearly and 'seeing' my H again.
H also, during that time was completely remorseful, went NC and did whatever I asked to help me heal and us fix our M.
As to kids, ours were grown and gone, but I do think trying to stay together for the sake of the kids is a good first step. You guys loved each other once and the immediate fallout from Dday is so disruptive to both in the marriage that I don't think taking six months or a year to try to work things out is a bad idea.
And during that time, you might find that love rekindled if you both work at it and the WS is remorseful, transparent and willing to do what it takes.
My wife left me for 4 months to be with OM. Last year we were discussing a situation with someone else and she questioned the actions of someone. I told her that to this day, I don't know how we wound up together again. (I felt it was because she got blown off by the OM, since he had new action). She told me that she came home because she truly missed me.
I think we make each other better in the long run.
[This message edited by fireguy87 at 2:20 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
This is pretty much the reason I am hanging in there.
To everyone whose H is doing this for the kids, hang in there. You will know if he's doing this for you, too. He may start out saying it's for the kids but hopefully it will shift to being for you, too. A good marriage counselor will make it abundantly clear. My H was initially doing this for the kids. He knows I will make good on the plan to divorce if we don't have a real marriage (as in love each other, committed to each other, having sex regularly...you know the things that normal married people have in their relationship but but have been missing in our marriage for over a decade because he's been - unbeknown to be - an SA...). I've been clear about wanting to be divorced sooner rather than later in my life...He says he is getting closer to being able to meet my terms...we will see. He has about 9 more months to get there.
My case doesn't help you much - my W wanted R immediately, and her behavior confirmed that.
I will say one of my prime concerns was whether or not she was committed to me. It seems she is.... It took me a long time to see that, though.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:32 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
We haven't really talked about the A because I really want to get into MC. But I'm feeling like things are faked/forced. (Date nights, kisses before leaving to work, conversation in general) I also question because he would bring up divorce if we got into arguments before NC and him deciding to try R but never to my knowledge, contacted or hired a lawyer. Claims he was so confused, didn't really want a divorce even though he would bring it up and that's why he never filed.
But I also feel liked doing this for our children isn't and never will be enough.