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Do they really always "affair down"?

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gypsybird87 posted 9/27/2013 18:52 PM

I posted a comment to the honey they always affair down thread in JFO... no responses. I'm reposting here because its been a shitty day and I really need some support. Here's what I said:

I've seen this thread before since it gets bumped every so often. The first part of the original post makes me feel better. I agree that the OW is weak, broken, and most definitely trash who was willing and eager to accept all the worst qualities in my XWH. And I agree that he chose her for those very reasons, because to find someone low enough to "look up" to him meant he really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

But how am I supposed to feel when this:

So what happens when we catch him with her? Most often he leaves her where he found her, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when he found her. She’s worse for the wear. Trust me, it is her self-esteem that is eroded, not ours. After all, she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed?

..isn't the way it happened? She was weak, broken, pathetic trash... and he still left me for her. He still showed no regret, no remorse in his decision, no doubt whatsoever for the "trade down" that he chose. He demanded a divorce and eight days later moved out of our home and into a new place they got together.

I haven't read all the pages of replies to this original post, so maybe this has already been addressed... but any help would be appreciated.

It hasn't been a good day so far. And it's not even noon.

A further cherry on top of my day is I just ran across a photo of XHW and OW. I've blocked myself from viewing his FB page, but this was on his linkdIn business page! The two of them, all cozy.

Why was I looking there? Because I'm STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID and that's just the kind of fucked up day its been.

PLease help.

Nature_Girl posted 9/27/2013 19:02 PM

My STBX got busted because he was in love with a heroin dealer who was still serving time in a Federal prison. THAT is what finally broke our marriage. He wanted her, he got her.

I consider that affairing down. I'd like to think I'm a better catch than a friggin' convicted felon. I'm willing to bet that YOU are a better catch than the OW, too. Despite the fact that he left for her, you're still the better woman. You're the prize. Not her.

gypsybird87 posted 9/27/2013 19:26 PM

Thanks NG.

Funny you responded the way you did because OW also did some jail time, about 9 mos for embezzling from her employer. It's just so hard to accept when these women are SO messed up, and they STILL get chosen over us.

I know he's a worthless POS. I know I shouldn't want him, and I don't. I wouldn't take him back if he were the last man on the planet. But that doesn't make him not wanting me, throwing me away like garbage so go be with HER, sting any less.

I've been doing okay in general but today is bad bad bad. Gray and raining... It's Friday night and I'm still at my desk, working and crying.

Definitely DEEP into pity party mode. Really hating what's left of my pitiful fucked up life today. I just want to crawl in bed and never come back out.

Heal&Deal posted 9/27/2013 19:26 PM

Well, yes, they affair down. No self respecting person wants to "share". No compassionate individual wants to destroy another's marriage. There is something fucked up in AP's heads to do so.

The fuckupedness will play out in other areas of their relationship, whether you ever get to see it or not.

You on the other hand? You get to heal. You get to learn. You get to create a new existence devoid of shitty cheaters. It doesn't feel like a gift now, but past the chaos there is a new beginning.

Please try to remember that this shit storm will pass. Healing is a long, hard road, but truly it gets better. Take care of yourself on this shitty day. Biggest of hugs.

h0peless posted 9/27/2013 19:34 PM

Mine left me for a guy who was old enough to be her father, worked as a courier at her work making $10 an hour, had been through a bankruptcy and two foreclosures and was desperate enough to chase after a married woman. Apparently she though he was better than me but I would have to respectfully disagree. I think I'm pretty awesome and my dogs (who she abandoned too) concur.

gma56 posted 9/27/2013 19:35 PM

The one single thing that I realized and finally accepted. FT had left the marriage a long time before he started the affairs. I wish he would have let me go years ago when this happened.
Did he affair down,in my opinion, yes he did. Really no one else's opinion of OW matters but mine.
FT left me for her and they have been together 6 yrs and we were married 26. I don't envy her that she won the "prize". I know who he is and believe me the stripes don't change because he's married to her and they have a newborn. He's still the perverted NPD pos he has shown me.

Just remember who he is now that he has shown his true self to you. She knows who he is too and still chooses to be with him. How stupid can a woman be ??? That is affairing down my friend and would you want him knowing who he is now ?? I wouldn't. NEVER !!!! She won and she deserves him.

Nature_Girl posted 9/27/2013 19:38 PM

Think of the storms & rain as Mother Nature helping to wash you clean. She's pouring out the pure rain water into your soul. Every cloudburst is a new stain discovered & scrubbed clean. Every gust of wind is a divine blast to blow away the dust.

cantlivewithouth posted 9/27/2013 20:27 PM

Yes, they do affair down. My XH had this whole KISA syndrome and had to save everyone. He "helped" many women he met on Craigslist, AFF, and other perverted sites. The one he married he had to "do what was right" because he knocked her up.

Yeah, it was "right" to sleep around while married, get on pregnant, and leave your current wife high and draw. Oh, but he couldn't just leave a pregnant woman all alone.

She is not a nice person because she went after a married man. She knew he was married and didn't care. As soon as she doesn't need saving anymore he'll be on to the next low life that needs saving.

I honestly don't know what she looks like because I've never seen a picture of her or anything. I do know that her XH left her for another man and he got custody of their kids. In Virginia, gay XH's don't normally get custody of the kids unless something is really wrong with their mother.

I know that I got the better end of the deal because my current husband is wonderful! XH can scrape the bottom of the barrel. I just remind myself that the cream always rises to the top. He will never have the cream just the crud that has settled to the bottom.

tryingagain74 posted 9/27/2013 20:47 PM

Well, let's see:

My XWH met the OW on Ashley Madison. I wouldn't be caught dead on a site for cheaters. He affaired down.

Instead of being the good mother she purports to be, she spent the better part of four months driving an hour away from her beloved children to screw a man she met on a cheaters' site, and neither cheater had enough self-respect to use protection. He affaired down.

Rather than taking the time to get to know each other, introduce each other to the kids slowly after many months, and then gradually get more serious, XWH and the OW got married a month after our divorce was final. She needed a roof over her head and health insurance since she doesn't hold a college degree and hasn't worked in over a decade, and he's needy and can't stand to be alone. He affaired down.

I could go on for pages, but you get the point.

And let's not forget something VERY important-- the APs affaired down as well because they are willing to enter into relationships with people like our XWSs. I think even less of her because she's either deluded enough to think that my XWH (who, on his best day, is a short-tempered Ebenezer Scrooge) is her Prince Charming, or she's simply desperate enough that she'd be willing to marry any old man she met on a cheaters' site so that she won't be alone, without health insurance, etc. What's even more sickening is that her poor children are along for the ride. She completely upended their lives to be with my XWH. At least my children still live in the same town, attend the same school, and are still near their friends and family. But I doubt she gave that one minute of thought; her needs were more important.


[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:50 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

dindy posted 9/28/2013 00:07 AM

I believe that they always affair down as it takes a very broken person to contribute to breaking someone else's relationship.

I met OW who is a lesbian a few years ago and I knew she had a crush on ex then. I remember talking to a friend about the incident at the time and we agreed that it must be because she is gay, and just possibly fucked up.

Another thing I will always remember is ex saying to me that I work at the grace of someone's charity because I am a waitress.

I knew then that he and OW had been discussing me just being a waitress. Eh, HELLO!!! I work very hard for my living, just because I don't work a salaried 9-5 job does not make me any lesser of a human being. And it wasn't a problem for ex when I supported him financially for nearly 4 months whilst he was out of work and not even receiving benefits whilst he focused on changing his career. Similarly, if I worked at standard 37.5 hour week I'm sure I would earn a lot more money than she does. It's just that sad mindset that you have to have a 'career' to be important.

So yes, the fact that they happily slagged me off to each other, even though she doesn't know me suggests that he definitely did affair down.

Also, OW has a history of messing with men.

They clearly deserve each other.

Feeling Consumed posted 9/28/2013 02:29 AM

I think you are forgetting that HE is also weak, broken, pathetic trash... that's why he left you for her. Only people with no self esteem could do something so deceitful and outright cruel. And I believe that they KNOW they are pieces of shit, so in their screwed up brain, they feel like they don't deserve anyone better than the POS OPs. It's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy - I am a POS, therefore, I will do something that verifies I am a POS so I can prove I was right, and now that I have proven I am a POS, I have to stay with this other POS because there is no way that my non-POS BS would ever want a POS like me.

Bottom line - fuckedup attracts fuckedup.

sleepless34 posted 9/28/2013 14:24 PM

It has to do with how HE feels about himself more than how he feels about you or her.

HE is getting the thrill of lust, new love, excitement. In the beginning it is the endorphins flying around that give you that "high" and you feel soooo good about yourself.

She probably looks up to him, feeds his ego, enjoys the sex or at least pretends to..haha.

It is all about him and filling the hole inside his soul. He is stupid and thinks it is real, it isn't, it is just like a drug. He may even think that he only deserves some trashy skank with low self esteem now, because he can't turn back from the dark side.

I hear you sista, mine left me and our beautiful life for some older skank twice divorced pot smoking plastic surgery face who was in open marriage that he met in some sex chat room online who is clearly a MESSED UP person with lots of problems. and somehow...I don't feel rejected or like what is wrong with me?....I can really see that it is all about his issues and poor choices.

Don't drink that kool-aid- IT IS HIS STORY it isn't about you it is about him and his little ego and little penis and how that skank makes him feel.

cruelty posted 9/28/2013 14:42 PM

I have noticed a lot if people seem to run from wonderful spouses, beautiful homes and lives they created. If they weren't there yet, then they ran from the dream and the work to get there. And they run to drug addled criminals. Or just ridiculous con artists.
I think some people confuse happiness and drama the same way they are confused about love.

PhantomLimb posted 9/28/2013 14:45 PM

Mine left for a woman who by all appearances is a "down" move... less educated, divorced, not as traditionally pretty (a little heavy, no style), older, "sarcastic" (which I read as meaning a bit of an asshole). By his own admission, to stay with her was a move to "punish" himself because he thought I deserved someone better than him and she was all he deserved.

The positive things he said about her were that she was into things that I found degrading, that she understood that he "deserved to be happy" and talking to me was "hard" after Dday, and that she seemed more "independent" than I was. I think what he meant by this was that she wasn't married to him and didn't make demands.

It broke my heart, but that was enough for me to decide he was a chump and I needed to leave them to it. It was also pretty clear to me he was being manipulated by her and, if he was that dumb, I wanted out for that reason, too. I will mourn for the life we used to have and don't understand why he has made this choice... but I didn't want to be with someone who didn't value me... for whatever reasons he told himself.

I think the global point here is that they get to a point where they can no longer fight to be the better version of themselves that we brought out in them.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:47 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

Sal1995 posted 9/28/2013 15:29 PM

Do they really always "affair down"?

By definition, yes. Because they are with someone who doesn't feel like he or she deserves something better in life than a sexual relationship with a married person. They are assisting in the betrayal of a person who, more times than not, is a loyal, faithful spouse.

If you asked the AP whether the WS "affaired down", the answer would be an emphatic YES...if they were being honest with themselves.

She was weak, broken, pathetic trash... and he still left me for her. He still showed no regret, no remorse in his decision, no doubt whatsoever for the "trade down" that he chose. He demanded a divorce and eight days later moved out of our home and into a new place they got together.

That's on him, not you. You can't define yourself by the actions of a confused, broken person. Do you think there's even a remote chance that your XWH and OW won't make each other miserable in the long run? Whether it's tomorrow, a year from now, or 20 years from now? It's a virtual certainty. Count on it.

He absolutely affaired down. Don't let his actions define you, gypsy. You define yourself. Live your life the right way. Live well. It's a cliche I know, but that truly is the best revenge.

It's just so hard to accept when these women are SO messed up, and they STILL get chosen over us.

Maybe...but by whom? Someone equally or even more messed up. Again, that doesn't define you. Please don't let it.

tesla posted 9/28/2013 18:01 PM

Ex-shat didn't just affair down, he affaired-the-fuck-down.

He left me for a (at the time) 20 year old stripper-whore that he knocked up.

I remember getting all worked up that she must be exotically beautiful and so smart. Then I met her. I nearly laughed out loud. She has those trashy good looks that will last till she's 25 (if she's lucky). She's incredibly unintelligent. Incredibly. As in barely literate. She's hopelessly in love with ex-shat, he is a god to her.
She believes any crazy-ass lie that ex-shat tells her.
Yeah, sounds awesome, doesn't it?

Ex-shat affaired way down because that is all he is good enough for. I escaped a miserable fate with that man-child. They are welcome to all their fake, bull-shit happiness...those idiots deserve each other.

They are still together...nearly two years. But he's broken up with twice...the second time he actually kicked her and the baby out and changed the locks. Fucking.Crazy.
Um, yeah, so don't worry if they stick together. My guess, dysfunction is the glue that holds them together.

[This message edited by tesla at 6:05 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

sleepless34 posted 9/28/2013 18:17 PM

My STBX affaired down for sure. She is a pathetic, messed up person. She presents well, in that she is upbeat, confident, professional, very "open minded" given she is in "open marriage" and is quite high minded about that.

She really must be pretty F**Ked up though, and insecure and broken. Yuck.

When I asked him about what it is that he loves about her he said "she opened me up emotionally" I laughed out loud because he is about the most unemotional person in the universe (asbergers) if he is so OPEN emotionally why was he such a coward to have affair 16 months and ever try to talk about the marriage or be honest? He also said "she cared about my family" uhhmmm really? She knew you had a family, as did she, but cared about your family??? Really? How did she care about what was going to happen to your kids and wife?? Such a dumb thing to say.

Now he says he is living within "integrity" because he was honest. Oh, my, I guess there must be several meanings of the word integrity....

He also said that he feels like he can have "more personal growth in that relationship." Yeah, because when you are at rock bottom there is no where to go but up. Seriously, you will have nothing when we are done with this D and she is some twice divorced open marriage narcissistic whore with major self esteem issues. Maybe he is just excited about having someone that will let him screw whoever else he wants besides her and then still act like his mommy and do everything for him.

Seriously- he is affairing down with this BYOTCH. I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to realize how epically he failed someday and I will be thanking him for leaving me by that point.....

Don't sweat it Gypsybird- Your STBX will get his come uppance. I am sure OW is a pathetic, nasty pig but he knows that is all he deserves and she accepts whatever crap he gives her. Let her have him. Good riddance.

suckstobeme posted 9/28/2013 18:19 PM


I used to always compare myself to OW. I thought in the beginning that she must be just a younger, more fun version of me. I didn't understand the A mentality so I figured she must be great if he actually left us for her.

Nope. Not even close.

She is about as smart as my desk. She has the emotional intelligence of a fourteen year old girl. She is hated by most people in her office. As far as I know, she has very few friends. Her ex husband hates her guts. She does not have primary custody of her children. She has a DWI and was actually just busted for driving without a license. My ex is her third married AP and, from what I know, she was the office ho before he was dumb enough to get caught with her.

She is nothing like me. My kids adore me. I'm fiercely loyal to my family and have a core group of girlfriends who have been with me for years. We are like sisters and have never once fought or hurt each other. I don't like drama. I don't criticize or make fun of other people, particularly for the way they look or dress like she does. She's like a mean, high school girl who throws tantrums on the regular.

As a good friend of mine once said, if that skank was what he wanted - for whatever reason - I couldn't compete with it. No one in my circle could have competed. We are exponentially better than the selfish POS pig he chose.

So, yes, they do always affair down. They run to what's easy, and to a person who sees and accepts them at their absolute worst while they are lying and deceiving their families. People who are not broken, fucked up trash bags don't accept that and expect much more from the people who are supposed to be in their corners.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 6:22 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

ruinedandbroken posted 9/28/2013 18:26 PM

My EX did the exact same thing. Exactly. And although their relationship didn't last, he has still never shown remorse, has never spoken to me unless regarding the kids, acts like I don't exist or never existed. It's inhumane and cruel the way he's treated me.

Sometimes I get the same irrational thoughts that you are having, that it is somehow a reflection of me. But it's not. I have seen some unattractive, verbally abusive women stay married. Their husbands didn't leave because of them. It has to do with him. HIS lack of integrity. HIS lack of boundaries. HIS self-centered entitlement. It has NOTHING to do with you. And the OW? Anyone who can knowingly have an affair is by definition, a piece of human trash.

LadyQ posted 9/28/2013 19:21 PM

Yes, they really do affair down. It's hard to believe in the beginning. I know I didn't believe it, the last one was skinnier, younger, prettier. She was also broken, pathetic and sad. He's not with her anymore, she dumped his ass once she found out he was divorced.

He affaired down every single time. My middle child saw a picture of his current girlfriend ( who just happens to be the first cumdumpster I caught him with), and she says, "wow, mom! He gave you up for her? What was he thinking?"

I love that girl!

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