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Just found out... again

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stevepf posted 9/27/2013 21:51 PM

A few days ago I found out that wife might be having an affair, again. Ywo years ago I accidentaly found a prepaid cellphone in her purse. She confessed of a platonc friend (kised twice) and promissed to end it. I suspected (and still do) that there was much more and went for longer than she said. We went through therapy and all seemed OK.
Last year, after a very stressful summer (kids, work) she went to the beach by herself for some needed time to herself (with my blessing). Days leading to the trip behaviour was odd, so I planted a GPS tracker in her car. I noticed she did a detour to a subdivision on her way to and then from the beach. I considered not confronting her and keeping an eye on her to find out more. But realized that, if I wanted marriage to survive, I had to come clean hoping she would, too. She denied everything...
Now, I accidentally found out she is making calls from our landline. Calls only go out when I am not home (mornings when I leave early, weekend mornings when I take the kids to soccer games, 11 pm and 6 am calls when I'm traveling).
I want to confront her, but I am sure she will deny again, and at this stage I feel like I need to know how far this is going; I'm tired of guessing. And I have ways of finding out...
Does anybody have any suggestions? I can't talk to friends or family to get this pressure off my chest. I feel the need to talk and to vent. I hate this feeling, all over again...

h0peless posted 9/27/2013 21:59 PM

It seems that the ways you have confronted before haven't been effective. She has gaslighted the shit out of you and has obviously continues her affair, thinking she has fooled you into providing for her. Perhaps it's time to see an attorney and confront her with divorce papers instead. There is a waiting period for divorce in most places and it may give her time to pull her head out of her ass and you time to rebuild your marriage if that's what you want but if she doesn't snap back into reality, it also means that you're on the path to healing on your own that much sooner.

stevepf posted 9/27/2013 22:08 PM

Thanks Hopeless, your eloquent words describe my feelings. The only reason I have not seen a lawyer yet is because I can't bear the thought of losing my kids, and I am also not willing to put them through hell in a custody battle. At what point do we sacrifice our happiness for the hapiness and stability of our children? I know my parents did, and yet I sometimes wonder if we (my parents and siblings) would have been better off if they had separated. Glad someone is listening...

h0peless posted 9/27/2013 22:20 PM

My parents are divorced now but there was a 6 or so year period where my Mom was fucking the pastor of our church and my dad was sticking around for the sake of the kids. It was absolutely awful. My Dad was miserable for years, my Mom was absolutely horrible to him and he just took it until he met some crazy lady at his high school reunion, had an affair of his own and divorced my Mom.

The end result is that now my siblings and I all love both of our parents but none of us respect either of them and we probably never will. If my Dad had put his foot down earlier, a couple of things could have happened. It could have snapped my Mom back to her senses and they could have rebuilt their marriage without the piece of shit pastor tagging along as a third wheel. The marriage could have ended (sooner than it did, of course) and we could have had at least one functional parent who didn't make a shitty choice and alienate us.

My point is that if what your kids are going through is anything like what my siblings and I did, you aren't doing them any favors by preserving the status quo. You may be keeping their two parent home intact but you and your wife are also modeling extremely poor behavior for them. Her for obvious reasons and you because you're showing them that it's best to appease and be walked on when someone who is supposed to love and cherish you is treating you like shit.

I've never met you but I know you deserve better than that and I think your kids probably do too.

toby posted 9/28/2013 01:57 AM

Radioshack is your friend. Look up telephone recorder.

Thefly559 posted 9/28/2013 04:48 AM

It is always easier said than done but hopeless is right. Before my D day I took an immense amount of abuse from my stbxww as she actually tried to get me to leave my marital home by emotionally torturing me . Hotel bathrobes , sex toys, love notes from other men , etc. my kids witnessed this abuse and my 8 yr. old actually told me to stick up for myself as I teach her! Those words came out of her mouth. So I did and I am now in a bitter custody battle because my children will be better off with me and stability than being neglected and shown poor choices in life . I know you are not there yet , your real D day has not come but in your gut you know the truth already , you just need the proof as I did the same. I hope to be wrong . Divorce is never nice but if I was you I would prepare myself. I know the pain of infidelity very well and I also know the pain of losing everything I worked for for 20 years , in a second. We are here with you and I wish you all the best .

OK now posted 9/28/2013 06:43 AM

I would find out the extent of her affair with firm evidence she cannot deny. Present her with it along with divorce papers since she is not going to stop; the affair will go underground and the unhappiness will continue.

In some states you can divorce while still living together; sort of in-house separation. That way you remain united as a family.

If she has so little respect for you its a firm bet that she is planning to leave one day; maybe when the kids are in their teens. so you are just putting off the inevitable.

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