My question to you:
WS has been remorseful and giving 110 o/o to work towards R.
Why would you say that he is remorseful?
Regretful, maybe. But remorseful? No way.
Joseph's Letter is as kind of a way to putting to your spouse what you are needing to know. And his response is anger. This is because he wants this behind him, and to not have to deal with the fallout. That is called rugsweeping around here....with a capital "R". And if this is allowed to continue, then sadly, your marriage will not have a chance.
But keep in mind, that you are only a month out, and as selfish and destructive as your wayward husband has been, he needs to process his thoughts. It usually takes longer for a wayward to come back to their senses, because they were screwed up to begin with.
This does not mean that you have to be tolerant nor patient---quite the opposite. The sooner that he is shown that you will not be bullied, cajoled, or disrespected for one minute longer, the sooner that he has a chance to pull his head out of his ass.
Right now, knowledge is power, and you can definitely use a boost to your crushed morale. Please consult with an attorney. Learn what your rights are. Know where you will possibly land if your husband does not become reconcilable material(which he currently is NOT). Show him, in a crystal clear way, that you would like to try to save your marriage, but will in no way tolerate the current behavior.
Remember, with remorse...real remorse...comes the whole package--particularly empathy. If he truly comes to realize the damage that he has done to his kids, you, and himself...and is wanting and willing to dig deep as to why he did this, then there is no limit to how strong the two of you could potentially make your marriage. But the problem is, that the betrayed spouse is often so wanting to repair the marriage, that they will look past many issues in the hopes of not "rocking the boat", that they will not call their spouse out when they are not in the proper mindset. It is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome--putting aside your fears in order to demand nothing less that what a healthy marriage should have--honesty, transparency, open communication, and a mutual respect for one another.
Right now is your time to be selfish--in a constructive way. You have to focus on you. Let your WH know that not only does he have to sort out his own demons, but it is also his responsibility to help you through your times of need. And if you are offering him the possibility of reconciliation, he should be doing effing backflips, and thanking his lucky stars that there is still a chance.
And if he isn't willing to step up to the plate, you need to work on the possibility of a life without him.
--Take care of yourself first
--Children an immediate second
The rest is up to him at this point.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
Acceptance the Marriage is over: 7/2/14
Heading for D
Its not true remorse WH is displaying or he would give you all the answers you require. You remain the victim and he continues to believe he conferred a great gift on you in agreeing to rebuild. Does wonders for your self-worth.
He says he wants to be with me.
Well aren't YOU the lucky winner!
If I were you, I would state that you need a detailed timeline. And then promptly start the 180. No cooking for him, no doing his laundry. No folding his clothes. I would have him sleep somewhere other than my bed. Make myself unavailable for him in any emotional way, only discuss kids and finances.
In my situation, I needed to know EVERYTHING. If he wanted to keep something secret, I felt like it was an act of intimacy with skank. Many things I had to figure out for myself, and he later verified that I was correct. Just as you are finding out, it is quite damaging.
Please turn the focus to yourself. You deserve all of your attention and kindness. Right now, he is not worthy. Take care.
. I think it is either the guilt feeling of not wanting to relive the A, or trying to keep their secrets safe so they don't get caught in the future...
Or, as my husband admitted, some choose to guard the secrets of their affair/affairs so they may enjoy them.
Some people need/ want all of the details, others need just a very basic or minimal timeline of details.
With that being said, your mood for how much detail you want of WH's A may vary daily and your WH needs to be able to deal with your needs effectively..
The most important thing to note is his ATTITUDE and his BEHAVIOR when you present him with your requests and things for him to see, listen to or read, such as Joseph's letter..
My WH and I are NOT in R, my situation is such that I am biding my time..
If I were in your situation I would have told WH that his anger is inappropriate and that if he continues to feel/ behave the same way towards me in regards to his A, he will be staring at the prospect of D..
60 years young..
As for blaming your "emotional detachment" -- BULLSHIT. That's Cheater 101. You will hear this many times on here: problems in the marriage are shared by both of you -- the decision to cheat, rather than deal with those problems like a grown-up, is all his, and he has to own the fact that he made a shitty decision.
After you get over the shock, you will get ANGRY. He will either respond to that by understanding why and wanting to make you feel better, or he will get angry back. The ones who get angry back aren't remorseful.
Time to be self centered because your kids need the healthiest mom they can get. Consider anti depressants....did wonders for a lot us here. Eat, drink,sleep, and vent here or IRL.
Please go visit with an attorney. Doesn't mean you will divorce it means you are gaining wisdom. See BS took that from you. You were not on an even playing field for a long time. And now he is blaming you for the uneven field when he installed it.
Find out what your settlement would be. Get as much knowledge as you can about your financial situation. Make copies of everything in case he shuts you out.
Can you see his is not respecting you? The anger shows that. He wants things to go back the way they were with you doing everything and him having his cake on the side.
You too were experiencing the same marriage. You didn't lie and cheat.
Please keep coming here. You have found a gold mine of wisdom that can help you navigate this mess he put you and the kids into.
Have you been tested for STDs?
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 3:09 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
I am feeling sad for you. If your H only knew the path he is creating will make him the ultimate loser in all of this.
[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 10:00 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose