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He acts like he wants to disown our daughter

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lovelost82 posted 9/27/2013 23:18 PM

I'm separated from my husband, but for financial reasons, we cannot divorce just yet. Believe me, we aren't together any longer.

He had an OEA with a 25-year-old skank that wants no children. He's still involved with her, and I realized when our daughter wanted to see her dad, and he kept making excuses for not seeing her, that something was up.

For starters, he is such a different person now. It's kind of pathetic, but he's 35 and acting like a 20-year-old for his "true love" that he left us for . He wears younger clothes whenever we actually see him and even wears ball caps on his head sideways; it's ridiculously pathetic .

I've dealt with all of his BS so far, but he has actually started making comments about our 9-year-old daughter lately, that I find even more disturbing. He always says what a pain she is, and he actually blamed her for our marital problems when I spoke to him last week, because, you know, kids ruin any intimacy in a marriage!(His words.)

I know this stupid girlfriend of his is putting all of these hateful thoughts into his mind, but he's in his fog permanently, apparently. I just don't know how to explain to our daughter that her dad doesn't really want to see her anymore, which he keeps telling me not to send her by his house. She wants her daddy in her life and doesn't understand any of this, and it's breaking my heart . I don't know how, or if I can get through to him about his daughter's feelings, or if I should even bother. I'd love advice or opinions from anyone else who has ever been in this kind of mess, thanks to these selfish kind of people.

heartache101 posted 9/27/2013 23:20 PM

I would get that divorce asap and have him sign his rights to her away!
What an asshat!
You can change stupid!

Confused85 posted 9/27/2013 23:29 PM

With men like that u shouldn't be nice to. It doesn't matter what u say he changed. I hope u can get that divorce soon because the soon u move on the sooner you and your daughter heal

emotionalgirl posted 9/27/2013 23:42 PM

My girlfriend had this issue with her son and his father, to make matters worse he wanted to see their daughter but not their son ( it's a long story I won't get into).

She handled and still handles it with true dignity. She told their son that he is truly special and that his dad is just mixed up and can't see him right now, and that she knows he loves him . She told her son that he is so special to her and that she loves him enough for both mom and dad.

Both kids are older now and they came to their own conclusions about their father and have cut him out of their life, all without her help. Through all of this not once did she bad mouth her husband to her children.

It takes true class and dignity to never bad mouth a spouse that is truly a nasty piece of work and never contributed a dime to their upbringing.

If you can make you child or children feel loved and supported by you alone enough that they don't need the other parents influence to turn out right all while never saying a nasty word then you are doing it right.

Good luck on your path.

silverhopes posted 9/27/2013 23:48 PM

That must be extremely hard on both you and your DD. Not sure what the best thing is to say to her if she asks questions... But I might try the route of telling her that you are there for her, and right now you don't know when Daddy will be back around (you don't - you don't know if/when he'll ever come out of his selfishness and try to mend his relationship with his daughter), so for now it's just you two, and you love her very much. You can also say it's OK to miss him and maybe she would like to write down her feelings? How horrible of him to not want to see his own daughter. Thank goodness she has you.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:23 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

lovelost82 posted 9/27/2013 23:51 PM

Thank you everyone. Believe me, if I didn't have bills to pay on my own now and a daughter to support, the divorce would already be in the works. It will happen though.

I don't badmouth her father to my daughter, but she realizes things aren't right. I guess I just have to continue down this twisted path he made for us. She's a very smart girl for her age, and my biggest fear is her realizing her dad no longer cares. My own dad was an important part of my upbringing, so I can't help but hurt for her when I think what she's losing for such a pathetic reason. The saddest part is, they used to be so close .

[This message edited by lovelost82 at 11:57 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 9/28/2013 00:18 AM

Tell your POS(hopefully)stbx that you need a pow-wow with him.

You tell him "You don't want to be with me anymore. Fine, peachy keen. BUT stop treating your own flesh and blood daughter like shit." And then you produce all of the evidence that you've found by Google search about how harmful it is to girls for their dad's to abandon them. Show him examples of what he is *setting* his child up for in her search for the *daddy* love that he wants to withhold from her. And put him on the spot and ask him if *that* is how he wants his daughter to feel/be as she grows up. And if you have to *exaggerate*, then ok fine.

Your (maybe)stbx will either *see* the light or he won't. You can't do anything to force the issue. If he does, then awesome. If he doesn't....then how far away does your dad live? Perhaps he can step in and be a strong male role model for your DD.

meaniemouse posted 9/28/2013 00:40 AM

lovelost82--I'm so sorry for you and your little girl. My ex has been horrible to our youngest daughter--probably because she's more like me than the others. Fathers are so important to girls but if he doesn't want to be around her, I wouldn't let her near him because a father like that can do a lot of damage. I wouldn't make excuses for him--just say he's sick in the head--because it's true. Just keep reminding her that it is HIS problem and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

If your dad is around and can be there for her that will work. My dad was there for my daughter (she's all grown up now) and just this last weekend she told me that when she gets married she wants MY dad to walk her down the aisle and hopes HER dad will stay away.

There are a lot of bright, beautiful and amazing women who didn't have fathers in their lives. I know it breaks your heart for her but she will find her way because you will help her.

If he ever grows up--he's going to be really sorry he traded his daughter for a brainless plaything.

Nature_Girl posted 9/28/2013 02:31 AM

I think you must NOT send your DD into an environment where she's openly not wanted. You need to find a family counselor to work with both of you (you & DD) to get to an emotional place where you can reckon with this abandonment and process it.

Dreamboat posted 9/28/2013 09:10 AM

((((lovelost82 & DD))))

There is nothing that you can do or say that will make him be a good father. It took me years to realize that.

My X left when DD was 8. He moved to a different state. He called a couple times a week and saw her every month or 2. And he also promised her more than once he would be at a school event and then did not show. She was heartbroken, but she simply stopped telling him about her events.

She is 16 now. She is a good student, athlete, and well adjusted. She also has not seen or spoken to her father in 3 years. He will occasionally send her an email and she will reply with as few words as possible.

It was horrible to see my DD suffer from rejection. But I was always there for her, I was always her soft place to fall. And so now she is ok.

Your stbx is a selfish ass, just like my X was. His daughter will reject him just like he rejected her. And then he will wonder why she refuses to see him anymore. By then it will be too late.

Your DD does not need a selfish parent in her life. She is better off with a single stable and loving parent.

headdesk posted 10/1/2013 15:43 PM

^^^^^ This.

Friend went through same thing - both her kids were basically rejected while he married the OW and cared for her daughter. Friend even invited the OW's daughter to all events (like the kids' birthdays, because they are step-sibs). Now he's left OW and has a new OW and her kid.

The OW's daughter is awesome. She's still in our lives (there are three of us who have raised our kids up as 'auntie' and 'uncles' due to close bonds.

Sadly there was a lot of hurt for her kids and still is when their dad basically forgets them again in his new 'true love'. But there isn't anything you can do but to act as a mom.

Take the high road and it will pay you back. I came from a situation where my step mom and my dad told me my mom hated me when she left. When I realized in my later teens that wasn't true it REALLY back fired onto them.

SurelyNOT posted 10/1/2013 22:37 PM

Oh my goodness, what morally bankrupt excuses of fathers some men turn out to be.
Have two daughters (17 and 13) who have choosen NOT to speak to their dad. He has turned his back on us and is moving in with OW and her 10 year old autistic son. He said that his actions do not justify their treatment to him. I actually think this OW is filling his head with nonsense, telling him things like they are ungrateful and you are just so incredible you don't deserve to be treated like that!! Read a text of hers, which said words to this effect!!!
It sickens and disgusts me, my WH just doesn't seem to care not one little bit about the mess he has created and how it impacts his children. He doesn't feel guilty, isn't remorseful and apparently sleeps well at night. OMG, who is this person?
You have just got to love your daughter big enough for both of her parents. Reinforce this with her everyday. Keep your chin up, and don't get discouraged. Sending strength your way and (((HUGS))).

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