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notwarmorfuzzy posted 9/28/2013 01:16 AM

I didn't send it off... But I just had to write it out... Just a bad night

I hate that even though I know it's not me... I still keep asking "why wasn't I enough"... Enough to keep u from looking, from being satisfied.. Why wasn't I enough to keep my husband home? Why wasn't I enough to keep my husband from wondering outside his marriage, why wasn't I enough to keep my husband from just wanting me.. Why wasn't I enough to love without heartache.. Why wasn't i good enough to keep what I thought was a near perfect family.. Why? Why didnt I deserve it? Why wasn't I enough? When did it slip away? Why didnt I c it? Why couldn't I stop it? When did I lose u? How did it even happen? The moment u decided it was ok to cross the line & not look back.. Where was I? Not physically.. But mentally.. Emotionally... How did I slip away from yur heart? No longer what u needed? I thought we'd always need each other... I was wrong, u needed something for u that wasn't in me... Why couldn't i b enough for u? Why did u have to destroy it soooooo badly? How did u watch it all fall apart and do nothing until the end, when u r so desperate that u tell me u don't love me anymore? I was shattered... Shattered my soul. Why wasn't your love for me strong enough to not hurt me? That's the really hard part... U don't shatter & destroy the one u love.. It's not possible in me... Not without hatred.. And anger. Cuz I could've never hurt u like that... I thought we loved each other the same... But that was proof I was wrong... U loved me in your way Robert... Which I guess ill truly never understand. Cuz it's wasn't the way I loved you... Why wasn't my love enough. U used to always say "I love u more" and I used to believe it... But one day back in late july last year I told u "I love u more" and u didnt respond like b4... With "nope I love u more"... I took notice, wrote it down.. And u never said it to me again... Do u even realize that? Did u even notice? It was something we would say to each other for years... Then just like that.. It stopped. Little things that crushed me inch by inch over months... U don't even understand or realize what u said or did during that time but it took its toll on me. And I think that's what u don't understand. I still love u even tho I don't want to.. I pray to god to help me... Heal me... Give me strength... And the cruelty to do it during the worst time in my life.. I couldn't imagine doing that to my worst enemy, but u did it to yur best friend... U were such an ass to me on the Friday of your break up... Which lead to our 1st looong fight. We went to bed angry (yes said good night) but angry into the next day, we fought that whole day which lead to the argument in the Yukon. Looking your partner, wife, companion, best friend, lover, mother of your children in her face and tell her you don't love her the same.... I wish I could hate u.. I need two things... To be loved & to b safe with stability... We had that... But it flipped on me the worse way possible... And I need to do what I need to do for me.. U took care of yourself & only yourself... I'll always look out for me and my kids, lessons learned. Shame on me for thinking I was "blessed" with u... But it's ok, I'll take it as a positive lesson learned in my life... As I pick up the pieces of my broken heart & soul.. One day.. One day soon I'll be whole again.

BS-me-39
XWS-39
M-20 years
2 kids 20&17
D-Day 11/12/12
Long term affair 9 months
Divorce final 3/25/13
3 steps forward 2 steps back is still one step closer to healing!!! 😊

[This message edited by notwarmorfuzzy at 1:19 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

Confused85 posted 9/28/2013 01:53 AM

I hope life have been treating u well. U deserve so much more.
Move on. It's just a chapter in the past. But don't close the book, just turn the page.
May u find a light for this darkness

[This message edited by Confused85 at 1:53 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

Feeling Consumed posted 9/28/2013 02:21 AM

Wow. I can hear your pain and I can relate to it. I felt the exact same way. I did send a letter that sounded very much like yours to ex a couple months after he left. My therapist said that she thought I should do it because I never got a chance to ever say anything to him - he just left and never looked back. All I got back was an email that said how sorry he was that he hurt me, and that everything I said in my letter was for the most part right - he claims that we "drifted apart". No..... HE drifted, not me. I was like you, I had no idea - thought I was "blessed" too. Surprise, surprise on that one! He never showed remorse for what he did, but I guess I did feel better at the time getting it off my chest.

I sent him another email the day the divorce was final and in that email, I blew him out a new asshole. I didn't hold back on anything. Now THAT letter made me feel even better!

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I have given up on ever thinking I could understand how ex could have done this. I'm settling down slow but sure and starting to feel like my old self again. It will be 3 years soon, and I am so much more better off than I was when I was just about a year out like you are. I hate to tell you this, but you will hurt for a little while still, but it absolutely does get better in baby steps.

Hang in there and know you are not alone in your heartache.

SBB posted 9/28/2013 02:28 AM

((NWOF)) I think we all feel this way for a time.

This too shall pass. I wrote dozens of letters.

I had a big bonfire with my girlfriends late last year and turned the lot into ash. I farewelled that miserable chapter and toasted my future surrounded by love, laughter, sunshine and far too many lovey bottles of champagne.

I no longer mourn his lost potential, nor ours. I'm mourning what never truly was.

Iamacrab posted 9/28/2013 05:08 AM

I just wanted to say I could have written nearly every line of your post. Still think it nearly every day, but it is getting better as time passes.

I know it's so hard to not focus on why, but please try very hard to do so, as I don't believe the why would make sense to you, or your WH. He likely does not truly know himself.

All I got back was an email that said how sorry he was that he hurt me, and that everything I said in my letter was for the most part right - he claims that we "drifted apart". No..... HE drifted, not me. I was like you, I had no idea -
I received exactly the above, except in a text and verbally at MC. That's what I mean about trying not to focus on the why, because if your WH would respond like that, he doesn't know the real why, and it is more hurt for you.

I hope writing it out has helped you to get some rest and a more peaceful night.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/28/2013 11:30 AM

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I wrote more letters than I can count, and most of them I gave to him. In hindsight I probably shouldn't have but I guess it was part of the process for me.

The answer to your question, "Why wasn't I enough?" You were enough. He wasn't. People with integrity and strength of character don't walk out on their families. They are weak, selfish individuals and no one with ever be "enough" for them.

((notwarmorfuzzy))

hopeandchange posted 9/28/2013 15:25 PM

Motwarmorfuzy
Great post! Why wasn't I good enough? I was and she wasn't. It will take a long time for that to sink in and stay

Meanwhile, I lost my past, struggle with the present and the future is uncertain. But I have integrity and that will get me through this

Great post! Thanks

H&C

SurelyNOT posted 9/28/2013 22:54 PM

Just like "Iamacrab" says - "I could have written nearly every line of your post". Your post just resonated with me, you haven't said one thing, that I haven't begged and pleaded with my husband to answer. YES, I humiliated myself and asked these very things. His response you ask - "That's an unfair question, I cannot answer it".
My WS has declared he wants to be a better person - he has drink and anger issues (to name but two of his faults) and yet he doesn't want to be a better person for myself or our children, again I asked why. But to no avail. He is looking forward to his "fresh start" with his AP, who apparently doesn't argue with him!
So you see, I wasn't enough and you know what, that's okay - because you're just not worth it. My 17 year old has pointed out that he is the one who has checked out on us, and that we are better off without him.
It will get better, you should check out some of the articles in The Healing Library. Good luck to us all on this mire filled journey, it's an uphill struggle