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kate0421 posted 9/28/2013 07:50 AM

So my partner and I have been together for over 9yrs. We met when and started to date highschoo age, i say age because he graduated early and when my mom told us we couldnt be together we ran away together when i was 16, ,he was 18. We have two children 7 and 11 months. In our relationship i have always told him we can get through anything but if you cheat on me i will leave you, its the one thing i cant handle. Well there has been a disconnection for awhile and i thought it was just the typical because we have been together so long, so i was always trying to fix it with trying to spice up the sex life and figure it. When it didnt work i would get mad and talk down to him about how he needs to provide more or just anything thatthat would hurt his feelings.. I thought long and hard recently and finally decided to ask the question ive always avoided and told hi that if he was honest with me that i wouldnt leave him and we could work it out. I saw the pain on his face when he still denied it so i stayed calm and was persistant for a few days and it finally came out. I just found out 4days ago he cheated on me 5 years ago. There was a period where we weren't getting along and i left him and we were seperated for 2 months then got back together and what i thought was such a happy time, turns out it wasnt. I went on vacation with my family and our son to universal and he made some excuse he couldnt go. this is when he cheated on me with a girl he had hooked up with when we were broken up. Im soo hurt, he called me told me he loved me and missed me. I remember this so vividly because i thought that was one of those moments i relized just how much i loved him. I knew he was holding back the other night and told him i need to know everything. He told me that about 2/3 yrs ago when woman would come on to him h would inappropriately flirt back he says this happened about 6 times and there was one time he took a phone number. He didnt keep it. Im soo lost he has been my everything. I have only seen him cry 2 times before the night he told me this. Once when his best friend died and it wasnt until we met his best friends father at his house amd he saw all his pics and room that he started to cry, and another time when i caught him with a cocaine prob. He lied to my face then i brought out a drug test and he failed, he cryed that he was sorry and didnt want to lose me and his son... This was about 6 yrs ago. We have battled the trust about his addiction and he relapsed a few times but i truly believe he has overcome it for about 4yrs. I know this was soo deep for him he balled harder than the 2 times i have seen before. He wants to go to counseling and he even mentioned church. ( which he has always made fun of and never believed in either) i feel so weak as a person, i have been so sad and depressed and i feel so alone. I feel like my whole life has been a lie. ( we met when i was 14 and were friends first). I feel like everything has been a lie. I even felt suicidal yesturday while he was at work. I dropped my 11month old at my grandmothers and told her i jist needed a break, which ive never done before. I started thinking bad thoughts about me being dead i freaked out and ofcourse who do i call? The only person i feel comfortable enough with , my partner. When i am with him I feel a little bit better, but when im not i feel crazy. Im ashamed of the woman i am. Why do i want the person that hurt me to help me through this what is wrong with me. Whu am i not strong enough. These are the questions that jist keep rolling in my head. Will i ever trust him again? Once a cheater always a cheater? He keeps trying to reassure me that he would never do this to me again. But i cant stop thinking that if you felt so guilty then why would you be inappropriate if you know how bad it made you feel the first time... Ugh im sorry this is prob soo long. I just needed to get it out. I dont want family or friends to know this. I have one friend that has been through this amd they overcame it. Its the only other person i have told but i dont feel like i can be completely honest which is why i joined this group today...

StuckInHell posted 9/28/2013 10:55 AM

I'm new here too. I feel for what you are going through. I am so unsure myself, but I read somewhere on this site --- 'You will get through this and you will be stronger for it'--- Hang in there! Hugs to you !!

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 9/28/2013 11:08 AM

I am fairly new here too. This place has been a sanctuary. Much of your story mirrors my own. The fighting through other battles, always trying to be the cheerleader and then the shame and doubt when you dont kick him to the curb. I know these feelings well.
I won't pretend that I can give any advice.I am still in a whirlwind of uncertainty and every day brings something new.
What I can say is that you are safe here to share and read other's stories. It has really helped me get through some tough times. Just know that you don't have to decide anything right now. Your life is precious and you are precious. I have read so many inspiring stories of strength and patience here. Stay awhile and read some.
And give yourself a hug or two. ((((kate0421)))) Ill hug you too.

kate0421 posted 9/29/2013 10:38 AM

Thanks for the replies. I just have soo many questions and I am torturing myself with the few answers i did get. I have been so insecure about my body after kids and now he admitted it did have something to do with physical attraction and that it goes deeper, he wants to just wait till tomorrow so we can talk with a professional, he sees me self destructing myself but i feel like i have failed as a person.. I use to be sooo beautiful and my body was amazing... I will never have it back the way it use to be. I feel that i need to feel wanted physically to feel good about myself and loved. I know that prob sounds so bad but its true. I have 30lbs i need to get rid of but will i always wonder as i get older if someone prettier or someone with a better body will make him feel that way again. I cant handle that thought. i relate physical sex and the passion with love because he is the only one i have been with in that way. So i just dont understand it. Im just hoping I am strong enough to get through this. So glad to have a place to come to without being judged

mightsurvive posted 9/29/2013 11:16 AM

Ok please know you will be OK. I have been where you are. I started dating my WH when I was 14 years old. He is the only man I have been with. We grew up together and went through everything together so how could he have an A? I remember feeling so lost, confused, angry and dead inside.

Right now you need to talk to him. You need to be able to ask him lots of questions and you both need to understand why he did it AND IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR 30 POUNDS. Is he perfect? Did you have an A when he was dealing with addiction?

Please try to slow your thoughts down even though I know part of the trauma of finding out is hyper vigilance and anxiety you need to understand these things and what you can do for you. Try reading in the healing library or " not just friends" and understand that you may be feeling badly for a long time but it will slowly get better whether you are with him or not.

Hang on and find peace and love with your babies.

Skan posted 9/29/2013 11:52 AM

Hey there. Welcome. I'm glad that you found us, but I am so sorry that you had to come looking for us. We're here to support you.

Please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Knowledge is power and there are a lot of very good articles written there by people who have walked in your shoes. Also, any topic in this forum that have bulls-eyes next to them you should read as well. You might have to go to page 2 to find some of them.

Next, the only, ONLY obligation that you have right now, is to yourself and your children. If you don't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of your beautiful children. You have to eat (use protein shakes if you can't keep solids down), stay hydrated (no booze please), and rest when you can. You are in as much shock right now, body and mind, as if a bus had come along and hit you. Right now, it's as if you are lying on the ground, bleeding, concussed, wondering why the ground is so much closer to you. Treat yourself with kindness be gentle with yourself.

And do make that appointment with a professional on Monday. BUT, ask that person IF they have experience with infidelity. You do not want to go to some poser who believes that unless you are June Cleaver with the spotless house that you are the root cause of this mess. The fact is that your WSO did not make a mistake. A mistake is when you put on one black and one blue sock in the dark, or you forget to put that extra quarter in the meter. He made a choice. A deliberate choice to betray you. He consciously decided to screw another woman. It wasn't force, it wasn't because you gained weight, it wasn't because the cat threw up on the carpet it was his personal, deliberate choice. Don't ever let him or anyone else downplay his decision to betray you by calling it a mistake.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

kate0421 posted 9/29/2013 11:58 AM

( mightsurvive) thankyou, your words are very encouraging. Im having the worst time waking up to this reality and realizing it will never be the same. It hurts me when i see people still struggling years after the A.

kate0421 posted 9/29/2013 12:07 PM

Thankyou skan. And you are dead on about the not eating and last night i decided to drink 15shots tequila which i dont drink. I started smoking cigarettes after quiting 4 yrs ago. Im afraid. And ashamed i still want to work this out with him. I realize this is no way to heal and am soooo thankful to have somewhere to go. I am def going to check out the healing forum.

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