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Stages of ending a marriage

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tennispro posted 9/28/2013 08:26 AM

Hi,
I'm feeling a little lost right now because I don't understand where I am emotionally.
When I first found out about his A I was utterly depressed and shocked and could barely function. Now I'm on the determined path to divorce and living with frustration and anger with every detail I find out (not about the A but about finances, his claims that we're broke but he spend thousands at a strip club in early September).
Also, we still have to live together until we sell our place. I'm a lucky one though because WS travels 80% for his business and he's gone now. However, he rarely calls our young children.
So, am I at the anger and frustration stage? I don't see how I can mourn the loss of our marriage now that I've looked back on what a crappy spouse he was....narcissistic, demanding, rude.
Anyone BTDT?
GL to all of us!

Take2 posted 9/28/2013 08:44 AM

Well that sounds like the anger stage, and it can be very product as you head toward D. You can get a whole lot done and there is a lot to do! First mission: find out what the real deal is with the money!

but about finances, his claims that we're broke but he spend thousands at a strip club in early September).

I mean keylogger if he pays things on line, past tax documents, bills, pay stubs, ira and pensions contributions - all of it! Credit check - is he dumping stuff on a credit card (that you'd owe half the debt on...?)

The results might make you more angry - but it sure beats sad!

[This message edited by Take2 at 11:35 AM, September 28th (Saturday)]

sunsetslost posted 9/28/2013 14:02 PM

tp,

It'll take a long time to figure out where you are. I thought I was doing well for a while. I was wrong. I no longer hold out hope for R. She told me, and this is a direct quote, "I have no intention of breaking it off with him." I have accepted the reality of the end of the marriage and I put on a brave face. "I'm fine. I don't want her back either. I'm moving on. I'm going to do great things. New beginnings." With the gift of a wonderful therapist I have realized that I've got work to do. Before I can move on I have to deal with a lot of real emotions I tried to ignore. I skipped the anger phase entirely. This week I've gone back and revisited my journey and guess what I found? A ton of anger. Fear. It has helped me let go of regret, which has been holding me back. I wasn't the perfect husband and I blamed myself for pushing her away. But I was a pretty damn good one. Pit her through college. Bought a house I didn't want because she loved it. Two, sometimes three vacations a year. Flowers just because. Little gifts. Support through multiple job losses. Yard work. Housework. Tolerated her idiot family. Put up s'more family members in our house for 16 months. She was broke, stoned and alone when we got together. She's damn lucky to have had me in her life. And she flushed it all.

Sorry, that felt good to type. Bottom line, you have to take it slow to process and understand each emotion and stage. You can't rush it.

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