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HurtsButImOK posted 9/28/2013 08:59 AM

Profanity laden vent warning

I fucking hate that:

- I feel like I wasted 16 years on a selfish dick
- I still feel like I want an apology and yet know that its never going to happen
- I chose to believe he was something and someone he is not
- I stayed in a shit relationship for so long
- My staying with him for so long might now have denied me the choice to have children
- He lies and continues to lie without consequence
- He is a complete dick and yet I chose him, so how much of a dick does that make me
- I was miserable as all fuck and still chose to stay with him faithfully, deluding myself that things would one day get better
- My awakenings have shown just how little I valued myself
- I ever put him first, what the fuck was I thinking
- I excused his behaviours and kept myself mired in the misery
- I took him back 12 years ago when he first showed me who he really was
- He is a dick, he will always be a dick and yet I still have a misplaced hope that he will wake the fuck up and stop being a dick
- I never planned on re-starting my life at 35
- He didn’t ever see me as worth it and I accepted that

Mostly, I fucking hate that I did this to myself. Because as much as I want to completely blame him I still chose to continue this way with him for so long.

In a rut at the moment, largely due to upcoming date of what would have been the 17 year anniversary which of course coincides with his fucking the OW#umpteen and hopeful that financial separation will be complete before then so he is finally and legally completely out of my life.

I am thankful every day that I am now free of the shit, I have learned to love myself more than I ever have in my life and I am excited by the unfolding, unknown future I now have because I am free.

Its just such a mind fuck to, on one hand have historical shit to deal with and forgive yourself for, whilst simultaneously being grateful for the gift of a new and joyous life.

Its crazy making I tell you

Aaahh venting relief felt

peridot posted 9/28/2013 17:57 PM

(((HurtsButImOK)))

SBB posted 9/28/2013 22:28 PM

Yep, yep and yep. I could have written your post except I did have children with him.

There's a book called "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" that talks about the self-anger.

I don't think I'll ever stop being angry at myself for having kids with him but the rest is getting better as time goes on. It doesn't change what he did to me and our family - it just bugs me that I kept throwing good money after bad. I'm going to make damn well sure that's learn the lesson I needed to learn.