Profanity laden vent warning
I fucking hate that:
- I feel like I wasted 16 years on a selfish dick
- I still feel like I want an apology and yet know that its never going to happen
- I chose to believe he was something and someone he is not
- I stayed in a shit relationship for so long
- My staying with him for so long might now have denied me the choice to have children
- He lies and continues to lie without consequence
- He is a complete dick and yet I chose him, so how much of a dick does that make me
- I was miserable as all fuck and still chose to stay with him faithfully, deluding myself that things would one day get better
- My awakenings have shown just how little I valued myself
- I ever put him first, what the fuck was I thinking
- I excused his behaviours and kept myself mired in the misery
- I took him back 12 years ago when he first showed me who he really was
- He is a dick, he will always be a dick and yet I still have a misplaced hope that he will wake the fuck up and stop being a dick
- I never planned on re-starting my life at 35
- He didn’t ever see me as worth it and I accepted that
Mostly, I fucking hate that I did this to myself. Because as much as I want to completely blame him I still chose to continue this way with him for so long.
In a rut at the moment, largely due to upcoming date of what would have been the 17 year anniversary which of course coincides with his fucking the OW#umpteen and hopeful that financial separation will be complete before then so he is finally and legally completely out of my life.
I am thankful every day that I am now free of the shit, I have learned to love myself more than I ever have in my life and I am excited by the unfolding, unknown future I now have because I am free.
Its just such a mind fuck to, on one hand have historical shit to deal with and forgive yourself for, whilst simultaneously being grateful for the gift of a new and joyous life.
Its crazy making I tell you 
Aaahh venting relief felt 
