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Do you tell people he cheated?

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PhantomLimb posted 9/28/2013 11:35 AM

STBX and I are in the same field. Many of the same friends and colleagues for decades. We worked together for most of the last 10 years and I was about to start a position in his new place of business before I found out about the A.

Before I resigned the job in his office, he was telling the man who was supposed to be my boss that we were having M problems, but that the situation was entirely amicable and I could easily still come out there and work for them even if we did S/D. (!!!!) When I resigned I didn't come right out and say he cheated, but I came as close as humanly possible and made it very clear STBX was fully responsible for the split and it wasn't what I wanted.

Since the split, he has been telling colleagues that we had been having M problems since back in November (news to me) and that we came to the mutual decision that we had significant compatibility issues that were enough for me to decide not to uproot my life any further by leaving my current job to move across country with him. (!!!!)

I have just been telling people the truth. He cheated on me. That usually seems to be enough for most people. For people I'm closer to or who ask and I'm comfortable answering, I tell them he cheated and then, when I found out, he got verbally and emotionally abusive which took R off the table.

I've had some people tell me I should just say that "he changed" or should just say "we had a good run, but it didn't work out." I feel like that answer protects him to some extent... and I'm not interested in protecting him.

But I'm not interested in embarrassing myself, either... but I have no read on what people think when they hear that he cheated. I'm humiliated by it, frankly... but I'd rather be up front and embarrassed than feel like I'm hiding something.

Also, I'm going back out on the job market in the coming months. I don't want STBX's version of "it was amicable, she decided not to uproot her life" to get around and make it sound like I was a flake who just up and quit a prestigious and lucrative job because I didn't handle our "amicable" split well or something.

After all, I'M the one who offered R. I'M the one who tried to S/D civilly... he is the one who pretends I'm not alive and has cut off all of his friends and family.

Thoughts?

Gajit posted 9/28/2013 11:43 AM

I told EVERYONE what a dellusional, cheating, a-hole my WH is. Everyone was so shocked, even my own mother!

Gemini71 posted 9/28/2013 11:43 AM

"We are only as sick as our secrets."

It is totally up to you to decide what you want to tell people. If you want to tell the truth, do so. There is no shame in being cheated on. You did nothing wrong.

Most people tend to be curious but awkward about being told. Your basic statement of the facts seems to be working well for you, and doesn't go into TMI territory.

I, on the other hand, have made a passtime of coming up with witty ways to out the STBXH. It gives people a hint about how to react. I don't need their sympathies or condolences. Just an "Oh, okay," and lets move on.

"He wanted an open marriage, so I opened the door and moved him out."

"We couldn't agree about dating other people."

Nature_Girl posted 9/28/2013 11:51 AM

Yes, I tell. Keeping HIS secrets as well as trying not to embarrass myself made me very ill. Life-threateningly ill. Take a trip to the hospital in an ambulance 'cuz we thought I was dying ill.

I'm done with secrets, particularly as they pertain to him.

I want to live the rest of my life honestly and authentically.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/28/2013 11:53 AM

Yes, I tell people he cheated. I have no desire to protect his reputation.

PhantomLimb posted 9/28/2013 12:01 PM

When I first heard he was telling people we had "compatibility issues" my immediate response was "Yeah, I wasn't compatible with him having a girlfriend." That seemed to get the point across.

I forgot to mention that at first he tried telling some people (closer friends) that he had been miserable for a long time because we weren't "fiscally compatible"... so I also want to counter some of that bullshit by just coming out with the truth. We had separate accounts because I came into the M debt-free and set to receive a fairly significant inheritance. He, on the other hand, is 40k underwater with his credit cards and has a quarter mil in student loans he has yet to begin payment on. I paid for 99% of my own stuff, so none of that was my fault. He also skipped out on paying back a loan my family gave him that my L says I could fight, but would cost me more in the long run than the loan totals.

PurpleRose posted 9/28/2013 12:26 PM

I absolutely tell people the truth. Why should I hide HIS lack of boundaries, his NPD tendencies, HIS two-faced lying?? No no no.

Whenever I've been asked, I typically say we divorced because I didn't like his girlfriend. That either gets a chuckle and a sympathetic response, or a look of "what a complete Doosh he is!"

I refuse to paint our divorce as anything other than what it was- his inability to remain faithful, to honor his vows, to think about the people who truly loved HiM- and instead to go out and "find his happy" and to hell with the consequences. Our divorce was all about him. He even told our kids "it's time for daddy to be happy!"

Hope he finds every milliliter of happiness he and his cow deserve.

Betrayeddaddio posted 9/28/2013 12:26 PM

I am keeping STBXWW's secret, because we have three young daughters and I don't want them to think what their mother did is acceptable for them to do as well.

It is killing me how the ww is telling everyone she knows we are parting ways "because we just aren't getting along" but we are keeping it amicable etc..

If her female married friends knew she had an affair with her married co-worker I'm sure they would be less sympathetic and less inclined to have her around their husbands, which would also probably curtail her exuberance when telling everyone about our separation and her "new" house!!!

So it is a secret for now, unless I lose it........

[This message edited by Betrayeddaddio at 7:55 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

PhantomLimb posted 9/28/2013 12:33 PM

Gosh... I don't know what I would do if we had human children. That is tough...

I'll admit that I also want to put a couple of dents in his "Mr. Perfect" image. And if exposing him humiliates him enough to stay away from our annual meetings and that sort of thing so I don't have to see him, even better.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:01 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

Vulcanized posted 9/28/2013 13:09 PM

For the first month or two, when asked outright if he was cheating, I covered him. Since I thought we could R, I didn't want to create extra hurdles.

Seconds after I left him, he was bringing OW around everybody we knew. He outed himself then. If there had been any doubt, his routine of "this is my new friend cock-socket, who is helping me getting over V cheating on me", clinched it.

From then on, I simply responded Mr. V has been having an affair w/his co-worker cock-socket since 1/2009.

Seems like alot of the WS I know (in RL), all have this crazy idea that the BS should protect both their reputation and that of the OP. My XH went so far as to order me not to tell anyone. FTG!

phmh posted 9/28/2013 13:16 PM

I told everyone.

I think there is this secrecy surrounding cheating which makes too many BSs feel ashamed -- as though they have something to hide, and it perpetuates the myth that the WS cheated because there was something wrong with the BS or with the marriage.

I am doing my small part to educate people about cheaters when I tell my story.

If he didn't want people to know, he shouldn't have cheated.

sunsetslost posted 9/28/2013 13:19 PM

In my case I am an open book to my friends and family and any mutual friends. Once I understood it was an exit affair and she wasn't remotely interested in R I made the decision to respect her wishes to keep it a secret from her family, friends and co workers. I will never see these people again in my life. I just don't care what they think of me, her, or our marriage. She's soaking up the sympathy. Aw, poor /name/.

Also, in my case, she is on the brink of cracking. Not my problem, but I do need a portion of her income to pay the mortgage until we can sell the house. If she thinks I'm dragging her name through the mud I fear she will flake. Then lawyers get involved and we walk away in debt. A happy side note to keeping her secret is that she is going to approach her parents about co signing on a refinance and get my name off the mortgage. They would likely disown her if they knew the truth. I don't know if they will co sign for her but if they do I can walk away debt free and start over.

sleepless34 posted 9/28/2013 14:09 PM

I have been telling people the truth. I like making him feel even more ashamed and guilty.

I say something along the lines of "he was having an affair and I kicked him out because what he did showed me who he really is, and that is not the man I thought he was"

I like it that my neighbors won't even wave to him if they are outside when he drops off the kids. I like it that my parents both gave him shit when he bumped into them. I like it that friends and family have all told him how discusted they are.

The only ones that get to have a more balanced version are the kids. The kids know he did something bad/hurtful to mommy. They know he broke vows and that it was his choice. But they don't know much more than that and I wouldn't burden them with it, they are too young and they love him. BUT THEY WILL KNOW SOMEDAY WHAT HE DID. F**Ker!

sleepless34 posted 9/28/2013 14:09 PM

I have been telling people the truth. I like making him feel even more ashamed and guilty.

I say something along the lines of "he was having an affair and I kicked him out because what he did showed me who he really is, and that is not the man I thought he was"

I like it that my neighbors won't even wave to him if they are outside when he drops off the kids. I like it that my parents both gave him shit when he bumped into them. I like it that friends and family have all told him how discusted they are.

The only ones that get to have a more balanced version are the kids. The kids know he did something bad/hurtful to mommy. They know he broke vows and that it was his choice. But they don't know much more than that and I wouldn't burden them with it, they are too young and they love him. BUT THEY WILL KNOW SOMEDAY WHAT HE DID. F**Ker!

HurtsButImOK posted 9/28/2013 18:07 PM

I didn't initially tell people he cheated because I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I do tell people if they ask now though, its not my shame to carry and I am not obligated to protect his dirty secret life.

tesla posted 9/28/2013 18:16 PM

Here's how that conversation goes with me:

Person: Are you married?
Tesla: Divorced.
Person: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Tesla: Don't be, he left me for a 20 year old stripper that he knocked up.
Person: Whaaaaa??!!
Tesla:

Most epic conversation killer ever.

PhantomLimb posted 9/28/2013 18:25 PM

Maybe I should start this in a different thread... but how did you guys deal with the embarrassment? Will I just get to the point that I don't care anymore?

Thefly559 posted 9/28/2013 18:30 PM

My stbxww had an exit affair no remorse. Dam right I told everyone I could. I am not embarrassed that pos fag she is with now couldn't shine my shoes on his best day ! He stole my wife ? Or she left? In a fair challenge , I win . But when it's a secret and hidden ! It's like getting sucker punched. If I hit mike Tyson with a sucker punch does it mean I am a better fighter? She did not deserve to pretend like she was abused and she did nothing wrong. So I told all her friends and family , I sent the picture of my new Benz in a hotel parking lot at 2am to everyone ! I felt good doing at least that. Her response was " you are so pathetic, nobody cares who I'm with except you asshole" That was how I knew it was worth it because of the pos she turned into. As for the kids knowing , I don't have to tell them, they are smarter than you think and deserve to know that daddy is a good honest loyal man and mommy is a lying cheating devil! Ok. I feel better now. Lol

Pippy posted 9/28/2013 18:45 PM

how did you guys deal with the embarrassment? Will I just get to the point that I don't care anymore?

Absolutely. It took me 8 years, but I'm there, thank God!I finally am at peace with it all and he was just a 30 year mistake. Now I am doing my best to live my life as I always wanted. (see my tagline)

Nature_Girl posted 9/28/2013 18:55 PM

I honestly do not feel embarrassed whatsoever. I don't. I did years ago when I was still trying to keep it a secret, when I was still trying to keep the marriage alive. But once I made the decision to divorce there was not an iota of embarrassment left.

I have nothing to be embarrassed about. And should someone try to shame me or judge me or be horrified or try to condescend, they become like a bug under a mag glass to me. Pitiable and not worth caring about.

My give-a-fuck is broken. So I don't.

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