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I want to know what it's like

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Flatlined123 posted 9/28/2013 14:02 PM

H and I were onlies. It still really bothers me that he got to know what it is like to be with someone else.

I never wanted to know. I was satisfied with us. I always felt we were special because of us being onlies. It'll never be like that again.

I'm not saying I want to have an A, I just wonder now what it's like to be with someone else.

[This message edited by Flatlined123 at 2:03 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

brokendancer7 posted 9/28/2013 14:23 PM

I am in exactly the same position. I even got over it once, during fWH's first affair, but it's driving me crazy this time. I really don't know what to do. If we had an open marriage, why didn't he tell me? While still in the most recent fog, he said, "It's only sex." Would he feel that way if it were me?

I couldn't have kids, so I won't ever know what it's like to be a mom. And I will only know what sex is like with a cheating husband.

MC_Jack posted 9/28/2013 15:38 PM

I would like to know what it would be like for your H to know that you knew what it was like.

Imagine: "honey, I am going out with bff for the whole day. Spa, shopping, dinner, etc. Then go have fun with your friend.

That night, limp around a bit. Act worn out. Next morning tell H you feel guilty and 'fess up'.

Say that you while you enjoyed the sex, it isn't what you really want. That since having kids, things have been different, but the OM fit 'juzt right' (;-)). That getting pounded for two hours including from behind helped you understand it was 'just sex' and that you are glad to have the M since you do not see your H 'that way' so its good that you have more with him.

Maybe get a medical kit, as he will probably have a aneurism or stroke.

Anyways, why do WSs want from us what they were unwilling to provide...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:39 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

Flatlined123 posted 9/28/2013 17:21 PM

Shortly after I found out that was one of the things H said to me while he was still in the fog. In fact he said it several times...I wouldn't blame you if you did it with someone else.

That was just him wanting to have an even field. Just something he could throw up in my face. Even he says he was so stupid then.

I hate that I have all these questions and will never have the answers. Sometimes I wish I'd have taken the opportunity when it presented itself to me one night while out with my girlfriends, but that's just not me.

Tired05 posted 9/28/2013 20:06 PM

Same situation, and I feel the exact same way. I even went through a period a few months ago where I would picture meeting some random guy with a truck and just going at it in the bed of his truck. The guy was just a shadow, I never pictured anybody. But I wanted it.

He actually brought it up on his own to give me a free pass. I still want it, but I'm not too sure if, even if he knew and okayed me going out beforehand to look for a ONS, if *I* could handle it afterwards. Would I feel like I cheated even if he knew about it? I'm not sure I can live with the consequences.

It sucks. I feel this childish jealousy. I also feel 'inferior' because i'm so 'inexperienced'. I am also mad because I thought we had that something special for so long. Before dday, I NEVER cared either.

It's just another layer of crap we have to deal with.

I think I've coped by not being interested in sex at all anymore. I don't have the desire. I also don't see how I will ever feel special or feel like there is meaning when we have sex, if we do end up having any. I imagine I will just be fucking...not making love.

Does anyone feel like this and are still having sex with them currently? How do you feel during?

topperoff22 posted 9/28/2013 20:07 PM

some of you that talk about two or three can't imagine. I can't handle this one. And I agree...he was my first. I was not his .... she was one of his only other partners and he went right back to her in the middle of our marriage. So, yes...sometimes I think the same thing. I wonder if the sex would be better and if the other man would think of me before himself in sex (sorry...but it is an issue with WH and I and he doesn't get it yet...we are working!). I thought to myself...he had some excitement and I had...nothing but my finger part of that time. Damn it that makes me mad.

But I know an affair would not help me either ... not emotionally at all.

Two days ago a man told me he wanted to meet me for sex. He lives two miles away and is a friend. I could have had that chance but I got sick to my stomach at the thought and suddenly wanted to cling to my husband and wanted him to make love to me so I could forget what that man had said. It was flattering, but it was dang weird and I realized I couldn't have been the one to have the affair after all.

Itstoohard posted 9/28/2013 20:20 PM

We too were each others first. I feel like its a double betrayal. I'm not interested in revenge either but I wish I had never put so much into staying a virgin. I wasn't a goody good but I drew the line of going all the way. It adds to the feeling of not really knowing him, who is he who could be so selfish and care so little. My married daughter wasn't a virgin and I am very glad for her.

Grilla posted 9/28/2013 22:16 PM

After being married for 23 years and catching my wife red handed I had no desire for retribution. I married that girl as a virgin myself. I was her second. Now she's had three sexual partners and I've had only her. The more I think about how easy it was for her the angrier I get. Right now, I don't think I could do it I love her so much, but we've had a very rocky road with me trying to get past it all and finally forgive. She insists it wasn't that I was no good in bed. But says I an better. It was the effection he showed her. I really don't know what to think. I do put her first in bed, I've had accidents where my excitement sends me blasting over the moon yea, but for the most part I wait for her it have satisfaction before I go. I really am bitter at the betrayal, but I don't think I could ever be with another. Even if my marriage doesn't work out...

Bluebird26 posted 9/28/2013 23:16 PM

We were each others onlies as well. Well that's what I was told I am high sceptical that this isn't the truth. I think it was just a way to get me to sleep with him

Like everything in our relationship I don't believe anything he told me these days. He is a compulsive liar. Even still now that he is my exwh.

brokendancer7 posted 9/29/2013 01:12 AM

MC_Jack, your idea gave me the first laugh I've had in days. My degree is in Theater, so maybe I could pull off a performance like that! I would love to see H's face.

Pretty sure I don't have it in me to actually screw around while still married, though, or I'd have already done it.

standinghere posted 9/29/2013 04:30 AM

I just wonder now what it's like to be with someone else

It is hard to fathom, until you have been there, just how meaningless and empty it can be. In a relationship without love and affection, without a major emotional issue involved, it is just like masturbating but less enjoyable. That was my first partner, the emotional linkage never got off the ground and I ended it.

However, get an emotional component into it, be it love, revenge, anger, sadness, grief, loneliness, feelings of self loathing, feelings of low self worth, feelings of inadequacy, etc, and there is a whole lot more.

However, talke to enough people who have done it, and you will find is that cheating is something altogether different than being with someone else. Cheating is loaded up with messed up emotions.

Flatlined123 posted 9/29/2013 05:04 AM

MC_Jack I could pull that off. The problem is that I told H I wouldn't lie to him and I haven't. Made me laugh though.

Tired, we do make love now. It took a long time before it felt that way. We both work at that now that we know it can be that way between us again. We were both suprised the first time it happened as it had just felt like sex for the longest time to me.

I told H last night how I was feeling. He was a bit surprised. He got real quiet and then asked me if I planned on doing anything about it.

I told him I had too much respect for our M to dump another load of shit on it. We're almost through the shitstorm he brought upon us and I have no desire to go back. I know how it hurts.

I also want to know how it feels to do a lot of other things, but it's just not in my makeup to do them. Neither is this. I just feel like I missed out on something.

doubleboggy posted 9/30/2013 17:15 PM

To all of you onlies:

You shouldn't be wondering what it would be like to be with someone else. Your waywards should be wishing that they were as awesome as you. Onlies are in a group that should be celebrated and given parades but sadly in this society it is not. That doesn't mean that you are not the greatest. I would give anything, I mean anything, for my wife to be a member of this club.

Lovedyoumore posted 9/30/2013 17:55 PM

This is one of the few things that makes me cry anymore. I never had sex with anyone other than my H. I used to have pride in the fact we were onlies and it was a turn on to me. Now, it brings me incredible sadness that he shared that unique part of us. Crying now as I type, I too feel as if we are unequal at a very primal level. Sex can still be had but it will never be the same for me or him. I too wonder about other partners and sometimes feel the desire to equal the score. But, that is not me and someday I hope to feel a sense of peace about my inexperience instead of regret.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 5:55 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

LineInTheSand posted 9/30/2013 18:16 PM

Onlies are in a group that should be celebrated and given parades but sadly in this society it is not.

^^^This^^^^made my day!!

I'm an "only" and proud of it! Now where's my parade??

Thanks, doubleboggy!

doubleboggy posted 9/30/2013 19:47 PM

After D day I was feeling robbed that she got to sleep with others while I was faithful. Hell, I am a guy, and it would be nice to have the excitement of someone new. But, I realized, that didn't make HER happy, it wouldn't make ME not hurt anymore, or less. It wouldn't bring back that specialness we had. The only thing you have left is the knowledge that you (me), did the correct, the honorable, the righteous thing and retained our honor and integrity .

If you think you have been robbed (like I did), you are thinking backwards. That's what the waywards were doing during the A. Thinking backwards.

ETA: I would bet that most, if not all, truly remorseful waywards would trade back their fling to get back their integrity in a heartbeat.

[This message edited by doubleboggy at 8:06 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

LeopoldB posted 9/30/2013 22:21 PM

I guess everyone has to live with the decisions they make. Although I agree that infidelity is terribly destructive, I do not agree with comments implying that having multiple fun and interesting sex partners over the course of a lifetime (pre and post marriage) is anything short of amazing. It has not been empty and meaningless. It has been fantastic. These were (and are) wonderful warm people - - best friends and significant others. It would be a terrible feeling to have missed all of that living and be left to wondering... "what if".

doubleboggy posted 10/1/2013 04:32 AM

True and meaningful sex only comes inside a committed marriage IMHO. Sure there is some short lived pleasure in "hook ups" but they are more destructive in the long run than they are worth.

This point became clear when I learned my wife of 20 years had lied about who she had been with in the past before me. She didn't want to look like a slut so she did not disclose many of her partners. The feelings she had when she told me about them were not fond memories or of how she had "lived". The "what if" were about how much better her life would have turn out with out the experience. My feelings were even less happy.

I have realized since that any sex out side of the marital relationship, hurts someone. May be you, your partner, or even someone you haven't even meet yet. That is why we are all here on SI. Sex outside of the marital relationship has hurt US. BS's and WS's.

Hope24 posted 10/1/2013 04:37 AM

Two days ago a man told me he wanted to meet me for sex. He lives two miles away and is a friend.

That's not a "friend", that's an opportunist.

Flatlined123 posted 10/1/2013 05:08 AM

I would bet that most, if not all, truly remorseful waywards would trade back their fling to get back their integrity in a heartbeat.

This is exactly what my H tells me. He has said so many times that no matter what he does from this point on in his life that the affair will always be a part of his padt...something he did he wishes he didn't.

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