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thecosmogirl posted 9/28/2013 14:14 PM

I'm balling my eyes out once again. And I don't even care who sees me.

I had decided a couple weeks ago to stop asking questions because of the violent reaction my WH gave me.
Our MC has an exercise we are going to try next week to help me.

Today, I gave him Joseph's letter. Wasn't thrilled with his "hmmm" after he read it but that's ok.
Then, I did it and now I hate him and myself again. I started asking questions.
What has sent me over the edge is when I asked how could you have such loose boundaries and let these women in and he says the typical "I don't know" and then says "I was SO mad at you!!" And "You say you don't remember but we were fighting a lot!"

Really? Just when I think my world can't possibly be crushed any farther into the depths of hell.
Oh but he did say it will never happen again because he will never be mad at me again.
That's nice isn't it?

suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/28/2013 16:31 PM

I'm so sorry for everything that you are going through. My H says the same thing "I don't know" and all I can think is wtf? really, there had to be some thinking to this mess. I'm like you, I want answers and I want them now. I'm so sorry that you aren't getting the answers that you need. I sincerely hope that with time (I have really come to hate the word) you get the answers you are looking for and can begin the process of healing

annb posted 9/28/2013 17:49 PM

Hi, cosmogirl, I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.

I had decided a couple weeks ago to stop asking questions because of the violent reaction my WH gave me

^^IMO, this attitude of his is really unacceptable for true R. I am 8+ years out and a question still pops up in my head, and I'll be damned if I will ever keep my mouth shut after living this living hell.

You have every right to ask questions, repeatedly, over and over and over until YOU feel satisfied. He has every obligation out of respect to you and your marriage to answer them over and over and over again.

You say you don't remember but we were fighting a lot

^^Typical wayward, "fighting" is NOT any justification or good response, really.

Cosmogirl, I don't believe there will ever a good enough answer that will somehow make all of this will never, ever be ok. There is no righting this wrong.

The only thing HE can do is be honest and compassionate and answer anything you ask. It does not sound as though he is willing to do the hard work towards R....

You cannot rebuild a marriage on a bed of lies, 1/2 truths, lies of omission.

"I don't know"

^^Yes, he does know, he was enjoying the attention and the validation. Period. He let them in because he could.

Please, please don't allow your MC to assist your WH in rugsweeping and gaslighting...You have requested the truth, and you deserve the truth.

the violent reaction my WH gave me

^^IMO, your WH is not facing up to his own actions and the nuclear bomb he dropped on your lives. I will pretty much guarantee you he is more angry at himself than with you. This is no way for a truly remorseful spouse to be treating a BS.

Just take one day at a time, one hour at a time, your WH has to understand that YOU are not the same person, and that the fallout from his affair is going to be grueling and difficult. He needs to take a deeper look at himself and his own issues. Is he in IC?


thecosmogirl posted 9/28/2013 18:22 PM

Thank you :)

We both start IC very soon. Our MC suggested it.
I am believing that this is not true R
I was hoping for it too much I guess.

fourever posted 9/28/2013 18:45 PM

Hang in. It's a process. But, under no circumstances should he put ANY blame on you.
He did this. He didn't accidentally fall in there! He has to own it. You have no responsibility for his decisions, even if you were a raging hormonal bitch! He made a nasty, coward's choice. He's re-written your marriage history to justify his shame. Does he tell you the same story of one particular fight or situation over and over?
This needs to stop, right now. Get tough, and call him out on the blame game. You get NONE.

Give him a copy of "How to help your spouse heal from YOUR affair".
It's short and to the point, for even the most thick headed.

People survive, I'm one of them so far, but damn girl, pull up those bitch boots and tell him to shape up. You've given him a gift of trying to Reconcile, he better be working his ass off.

thecosmogirl posted 9/28/2013 18:50 PM

I gave him that book and he says he's doing everything he is suppose to according to the book and I'm still not satisfied.

Today he asked when will it be enough for me. He said that since I don't believe him, then why keep asking.
This makes me very, very sad. He is very good at "acting" remorseful. But he's right in that I don't believe him and maybe this is a deal breaker for me and I just need to admit it.
Thank you everyone for just listening

fourever posted 9/28/2013 19:14 PM

I will give you a roadmap. You can do with it what you wish.

Open your own checking account. Fund it, well.
Make an attorney appt in order to find out what rights you have. (You never have to follow through, but should know how to protect yourself).
Here is the best thing I did, and it made all the difference:

I took him into our den, away from our 4 kids, and said this (because we were in the same place as you are now).

"You have one get out of jail free card. Do you want to stay married? I want everything. I want it now. No half truths, no lies, no omissions.
I love you, but I will not live this way. You are in this marriage or out. Decide now, because I deserve someone who loves me more than life, and you are not giving me that."
"There is the door if you are not willing. I can live without you, I have for (length of A), I can continue, I hope I'm worth it to you, but leave now if I'm not."

If he gets irate, he has to go. Kick him to the curb until his head comes out of his ass. He may not speak to you in an angry manner. He brought this on you, him and your marriage (and children if you have them), because he's selfish, entitled and refusing to own his shit.
A firm reality check will go a long way with him.
Be strong. You ARE!

thecosmogirl posted 9/29/2013 03:15 AM

I will do some of that, fourever but as I lay here crying in this hotel after he just told me that his whore would never hang up on him because she "had more respect" I know this is a losing battle that I am not willing to fight anymore.

I guess I will be moving to the separation/ divorce forum

thecosmogirl posted 9/29/2013 03:33 AM

Just for fun (NOT), he just sent me this text:
"I said something to intentionally hurt you because I was frustrated. I am sorry. It was wrong. Please talk to me"

Woohoo!!! He is soooo cool. And will be single soon ladies so, don't miss out on this one!!
I did send a text back saying it worked.
Someone PLEASE find my bitch boots for me??!!

Smokehouse posted 9/29/2013 03:36 AM

Very very sad for you Cosmogirl. Very recent DDay for you. Mine was July and I'm just now starting to see a decent turnaround from my WW.

Not sure if there has been enough time from DDay for you to even say you are in R. Myself, I know there hasn't been. My WW thinks we are on solid footing and already R. I just let her think that and then slowly ask for more from her.

I believe I have gotten most of the truth, but certainly not all. I will give it more time, continue to be patient, work on myself primarily and on our marriage when it is needed.

I love spending time with my WW, and will continue to enjoy our time together, but I don't trust her at all yet. My WW said the same things. Such as, "I'm not admitting to something I didn't do. Or, you know everything now! Not!!! I kept telling my WW the truth will help me move forward. When she would divulge another tidbit, it did help, then she felt confident it was helping. The better I felt the better she felt.

I hope I helped you some. I know your pain, so real, so raw, so damaging. An affair will destroy everything it it's path if you let it.

confused615 posted 9/29/2013 04:37 AM

He compared you to OW?? And she came out on "top??????" SHE has more respect for him??? Just fucking wow. she doesn't respect him or she wouldn't have had an affair with him.

Second...that would be *it.* I would be done. The cheating..the violence..the fake remorse..and now..months after dday..he tells you OW is better than you because she would never hang up on him.

Nope. Hefty bags. No no no no.

He is showing you who he is..believe him.

When he gets mad at you,he cheats on you.

When he is frustrated,he says things to intentionally hurt you.

Oh,the cosmogirl. You are right. This is not R.

What has he been doing in the months since dday? Clearly he hasn't done any real work on himself..or he would never have said what he said.


[This message edited by confused615 at 4:38 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

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