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He sort of snickered at the word "trigger"

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topperoff22 posted 9/28/2013 14:44 PM

This morning my husband sent me a photo of a bulldog puppy. NO big deal right? He loves bulldogs and has always wanted one. To me it was a big deal because the woman he cheated on me with ... his exgirlfriend ... had photos of bulldogs all over her FB page when I used to be friends with her and still has them on her Google Plus page. So, for me it was a trigger and I just blurted out "Yeah, she had bulldogs too so I don't want to look at it.."
HE says "I just thought it was cute. Sorry.." and rolls his eyes. I told him I was sorry but weird things were triggers for me through all this (It's only been two months since I discovered everything..not since he told me, but since I had to drag all of it out of him). He said "OK..fine.." and walked away. I tried to apologize again and he said "I's one of your triggers .." in a very sarcastic way, especially when he said "triggers." :(

He told the counselor last week he doesn't even think of her unless I bring her if I'm some kind of freak because it's only been two months and I still keep bringing it up. I really don't think he meant it that way..its a way to make himself look good, or he is really being honest, but it was how it felt/feels.

HE's been very good otherwise and really trying hard, but today that just burned me up. He did apologize later but I brushed it off and said the puppy was cute and it was nice he sent it to me (the dang thing was cute but bulldogs drool and I do NOT want one! lol!)

StillGoing posted 9/28/2013 15:24 PM

He did apologize later but I brushed it off and said the puppy was cute and it was nice he sent it to me (the dang thing was cute but bulldogs drool and I do NOT want one! lol!)

While his attitude about it was shitty and belittling, brushing off an apology like that is shutting him down in similar vein. Look at it as an opportunity to discuss the issue, even if you don't value the apology itself or don't consider it an honest one.

topperoff22 posted 9/28/2013 16:07 PM

Wonderful response. And I did thank him for that apology afterwards. Great wake up call to me!

blakesteele posted 9/28/2013 21:44 PM

"Trigger" has a new meaning for us too. My wife's affair has many triggers for me....common everyday places, hobbies and vehicles are all on my "trigger list".. The list is huge.

I feel your pain. Since fWS don't have this experience they lack the ability to fully understand how triggers affect us. ... they know the meaning and significance of triggers.....but cant relate to the feeling ( much like i can understand PTSD in veterans, but i cant feel what they are specifically feeling). so, at times, if a fWS is also aggitated at the time a BS makes sense they will choise to mot be as supportive as they could be.

As time passes I am able to process through least to the point that I don't allow them to derail me as they did early on. Keep "feeling" them....share with your husband as needed, process on your own when you don't.....just keep feeling them. I had to sit in the drive of the house where my wife had sex with her AP....look at the room, imagine the moans, see the teenage gettyness expressed by them both as they rendevoud in the drive.....first time I was RAGING hard.....I called my wife then. Subsequent times I did not. Now it hurts but I just feel the pain....I no longer have to protect myself via anger. I know your trigger was not this severe....just used it as an example to state how I don't think you can process triggers any other way then you are doing. So you are doing good.

Sarcasm.....a real "love buster". Sorry to hear of your husbands poor choice of a response to your expression of trigger-caused feelings within you.

I read the book "Love Busters"....unfortunately I too chose badly in my past and used love busters. At the time I was ignorant to what I was doing.....many times I thought I was being playful. My relationship with my wife over the years was in many ways very me AND my wife.

I am sorry for that...but temper the guilt associated with that sorrow with the fact that we both did the best we knew how.

We now know better and can do better.

I am sorry for this spot you are in....gently....try to use this experience to move forward...offer this opportunity to your husband too. Hopefully he can see the damage he does with these seemingly small hurtful comments.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:11 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Clarrissa posted 9/29/2013 08:05 AM

As a FWS I have to wonder if your WH really "gets it". Two months past Dday is nothing. You just started on this ride. True, he can't be expected to know *everything* that could trigger you but once he knows what is, being dismissive, sarcastic, snarky should NOT be his attitude. You'll have these triggers for a long time to come and he needs to deal with them with a more understanding attitude if R is going to work. Ideally, he should be proactive in helping you avoid them in the first place.

@blakesteele - in point of fact some former waywards DO experience triggers, sometimes even the same ones their BS does. I have triggers even close to 5 years out. No, the list isn't long but it IS there. Those triggers may affect us differently but just as deeply.

blakesteele posted 9/29/2013 09:20 AM

Thanks clarissa. No offense intended. And I do know some things my wife did with her AP cause her to pause and feel differently.

Your point is well taken.

blakesteele posted 9/29/2013 20:46 PM

Clarissa...if I may be so bold....could you describe a trigger for you and the subsequent reaction you have to it? You owe me nothing, and I misspoke earlier regarding no obligation to me.

God be with us all.

topperoff22 posted 9/30/2013 10:17 AM

Last night he all out mocked me for getting upset over the commercials for that new ABC show Betrayed. "And then I start getting text messages with you cursing me out because of a TV commercial? Seriously??"
Yeah....and he told me I should be calling him or talking to him in person and not texting him. Riight...because being screamed at is what I want when my heart has been shredded into pieces. That's what happens...he freaks out on me when I try to bring up the hard stuff. He says things like "You don't think I'm hurting? You don't think this is killing me? You're not the only one shattered by all this!"

Yeah, so every time he somehow ends up looking like the poor victim.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 10:18 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

cl131716 posted 9/30/2013 14:09 PM

Stop apologizing to him! You should never apologize for how you feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your Ws doesn't sound at all remorseful. I actually a bit ticked off for you.

StillGoing posted 9/30/2013 14:20 PM

I think you might find the 180 your friend right now.

topperoff22 posted 9/30/2013 14:59 PM

I don't know what the 180 is.

topperoff22 posted 9/30/2013 15:04 PM

I just googled it and I'm doing it starting today. Thank you.

topperoff22 posted 9/30/2013 15:51 PM

Actually...I can't if I am in MC can I? I don't know....but I'm definitely going to try to be strong. THe crying fits I keep having are not helping....

Clarrissa posted 9/30/2013 16:36 PM

First @ blakesteele, my list of triggers is short. The worst one is when I happen to go past where OM lives (lived?). Fortunately, it's not often this happens. The first time after Dday, I was with my H and we were driving down his street, right past where he lives. I was gripping the handle so tight I thought I was going to rip it right off the door. I *refused* to look at his house. And the thing is my BH knows this triggers me. He warns me if our route takes us past OM's house.

@topperoff22 Your WH just does. not. get. it. He should NOT be getting pissed at you for triggering. He caused this trainwreck and put you in this hell. He has NO right to get pissed when you react negatively. He needs to wake up and get his head out of his ass and do what you need him to do to heal. First and foremost, he needs to learn some empathy. Ask him how HE'D feel if the roles were reversed.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Really I am. Right now I think the 180 should be your best friend. let yourself detatch so you can heal.

mainlyinpain posted 9/30/2013 16:43 PM

Yeah, empathy is definitely missing. I would say he has some narcissistic personality issues. Please look this up and see if you can relate.

Hugs to you topper

crazyblindsided posted 9/30/2013 17:07 PM

My WH did not understand what 'triggers' were and he always thought it was strange that, he felt at that time, my triggers sometimes didn't seem tied to his A. Well 18 months later and I still have triggers my WH completely understands why I have them now and has more empathy. A counselor may help your WH understand what they are and why you have them. He should also be feeling awful that you now get to live your life this way until you can process it.

Like another poster said you have only started this ride and you and your WH will both have to help each other get through, obviously more of the lifting should be done by the WS.

(((topperoff22))) I'm sorry you are going through this.

StillGoing posted 9/30/2013 18:32 PM

You can 180 while in MC. Sorry, the link is here, you can also find it through the Healing Library on the left:

As with everything, take what you need and leave the rest. The 180 should be about making yourself safe. It's about taking care of yourself, not shutting out or punishing.

Good luck. Hope you feel better soon.

blakesteele posted 10/1/2013 05:23 AM

Thanks clarissa. Not to badger you.....but when you say you grip the door handle so tightly, what emotions are you feeling? I a slow learner. I get your reaction but not the emotions underneath your actions. I could interpret your reaction several different ways. owe me nothing.

Clarrissa posted 10/1/2013 12:40 PM


My main emotions were anger and disgust, both at myself for making such a destructive choice and at OM for being complicit. He knew I was married, didn't care. A bit more anger at him (after the fact) because he was getting a good laugh with his roommate at my expense. I'd suspected this before but didn't look too closely until after Dday. As it says in the Bible "the scales fell from my eyes" and I could see the situation for what it was - completely f*cked up.

This far out, I couldn't give a hairy rat's ass where he is or what he's doing.

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