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Running the Race posted 9/28/2013 20:45 PM

So it was back to school night the other night. If was for my
two smallest kids. So my ex went to one class, I went to another. Afterwards she came over (to get the kids). I asked if we could go over what the teachers said, she kind of flew off the handles about a bunch of stuff.
She started talking about how hard it was for her to spend time with the kids, how I spend more time with them, how the kids are bonding with me more, I do more things with them, how work is hard for her, the situation is so much harder for her. I asked what she wanted me to do about it, since really there isn't any way for our schedules to change.She starts late, and works later into the evening. I pick up the kids, do homework, dinner, and then she takes them to sleep at her place.
She just went on about how hard life is for her.
Now, I admit, I fell short in my marriage. The EAs drove me crazy and to a place of being an unhealthy husband. I just didn't trust her and could not get over the EAs. I worked a lot and she got lonely ( I feel compelled to say I never physically beat her, but I got mad and untrusting way too often in our marriage).
So I take full responsibilities to my participation in our D. This entire time she was ranting in my kitchen to me, she never once said, her own decisions lead her to this current life she has. She moved out, she went to party with her friends, she wanted the D. She found the apartment, she made the down payment.
Why was her rant coming across like I set her up for all this? She just would not say she played a role in being where she was at.
My response to her after a while was,"I'm sorry, I'm sorry your going through this, but I really don't want to have this conversation."
Then she left soon afterwards.

suckstobeme posted 9/28/2013 20:58 PM

Don't engage her in these conversations or drink her blame shifting flavored Kool Aid. She caused her situation. These are the consequences of her actions.

My only response to her, if I felt compelled to respond, would be to point out that her relationship with her children is hers to nurture or ruin. It has nothing to do with the relationship you are building with them.

You have a long history with her cheating and going back and forth from the info listed in your tag line. She's clearly still floundering in the face of her choices. It's not your job to save her from herself.

Williesmom posted 9/28/2013 21:00 PM

Next time, whatever she say, respond with "I'm sorry that you feel that way".

Then usher her unremorseful ass out the door.

SurelyNOT posted 9/28/2013 21:41 PM

The thing I have noticed is that the WS is usually so caught up with their ownself, that they cannot comprehend the effect of their actions on those around them. My WH has tunnel vision and a very selective memory, to hear him tell it, I checked out of our marriage years ago. I'm tired telling him that if that was the case why am I so heartbroken and devastated.
I think you gave the best response given the circumstances and look at the reaction you got.
Good luck in your journey. Chin up, onwards and upwards

Running the Race posted 9/29/2013 00:14 AM

These are really good points, I don't know why as people we have a knee jerk reaction to want to correct our EXs on their selective memory. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter how she views or rewrites history, but there is always that voice that wants to set her straight about the facts.

[This message edited by Running the Race at 12:16 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

SBB posted 9/29/2013 05:36 AM

It's not your job to save her from herself.


You feel the way you do because that was the dynamic of your relationship. It takes a while to create new habits. And your give-a-fuck needs to break. That takes a little time.

I know the urge to make her understand - to get her to see straight. I had to learn that he chooses to see the way he sees. It is not involuntary - its a choice. Thinking it is involuntary is what leads to the urge to 'show' them the folly of their ways.

In truth they know they are fucked. They can't stand blaming themselves so they blame us. Even when we're long gone.

Running the Race posted 9/29/2013 06:19 AM

Are you sure they know that they are to blame for their problems? I've always thought that my exw was so deceitful, she could deceive herself. I think people can rewrite history, and really truly believe that it all came down the way they remember it.

suckstobeme posted 9/29/2013 06:35 AM

They deceive themselves and live in that bubble of rewritten history as a way to rationalize what they've done. It's a coping mechanism so they don't have to face themselves. Trust me, any attempt to get them to recognize the truth will be met with more rationalization and defensive behavior. Admitting the truth, especially to the prime victim of their betrayal, is way more repulsive and frightening to them than just saying it like it is. They are incapable.

PurpleRose posted 9/29/2013 08:44 AM

Absolutely agree. If they could actually see things from our side- well we'd still be married wouldn't we?

The Dooosh is the master at rewriting our marital history. He had convinced himself (and his cow) that he had been miserably stuck with me for 20 years. Who in their right mind stays with someone that long? And when dday rolled around I was only 40- so it's not like we were 80 and he just plugged through life!!!

He is too afraid to look at the real him- who he is inside- because the type of losers he is surrounding himself with all believe his warped reality. "She was mean to me! She was a bully! I didn't like the way she treated me!"

Me me me. It's always about him and his wants. (Not that I have to even say it, but I was not and am not a bully. He just doesn't like the me who stood up for myself finally and allowed him to face the consequences of his actions)

The have to rewrite history to justify their choices. If a wayward could look into a mirror and see a reflection of their character, I'm sure they would still try to convince everyone it wasn't their fault it was so ugly, that somehow their BS created this image or manipulated their life in such a way to cause the broken reflection.

My ex lives in a world of delusion. He isn't happy in the real world- he's caused too much pain all around for that. But he sure doesn't seem very happy in his make believe world where I was the big bad wifey and he is now the "abused ex" either.

Whatever. I gave up trying to get him to live in reality a long time ago. He will never be able to admit he sucked as a husband, and now as a father and an ex, and I no longer care to explain it to him like I did when we first began this journey to hell. I took the fork in the road- and him? Well he got on that highway and never looked back. Hope he enjoys the heat.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 8:46 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Lola2kids posted 9/30/2013 07:03 AM

If they could actually see things from our side- well we'd still be married wouldn't we?

^^^You would think so wouldn't you?
In my case. Ex was the BS in his marriage. I thought that would mean that he would never cheat on me since he knew what it felt like.

Nope. It happened.
He told me he felt emasculated when she cheated. I quickly asked him what the female version of emasculated is since that is what I felt. He was puzzled by my reaction.

He blames his ex wife for her affair and he blames me for his affair.
He never takes responsibility for anything.
He is still friends with his ex wife and he is stumped as to why I am not willing to be friends with him.
I've given up trying to get him to see the similarities and his part in the situation.

But, I really don't want to have this conversation anymore either (((RTR))).

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