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Need Language to Cover Everything!

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ChoosingHope posted 9/28/2013 21:00 PM

I've entered year two of my divorce with a SA NPD STBX. He and SA OW find their partners - strangers - on the Internet.

We're in the middle of a parenting evaluation, requested by me. I'm looking ahead and wondering about all the things I could try to get added to my divorce settlement - to cover every single possible threat to my children. I know I might not get ANYTHING, but I want to have a list.

So, I'm asking for suggestions - anything and everything. I'm starting with language from LisaP from another recent thread:


Child Safety - It is the duty of both parents to keep the Children safe. Each parent should protect the Children in the following ways:

(1) Not use illegal drugs, abuse prescription drugs, or abuse alcohol while the Children are present.

(2) Not use or view pornography, including but not limited to cable, magazines, internet photos or live-feed, or any other pornographic media, while the Children are present. Pornography should not be accessible to the Children at any time.

(3) No overnight guests while the Children are present.

(4) Not allow the Children to ride in a car unless the driver has a valid driver's license, auto insurance, seat belts and child safety seats as required by law.

5) Not introduce Children to any girlfriends (unless they are engaged????) I'm trying to protect my kids from OW, who conducts these activities in her own home with her child sleeping upstairs.

6) Can I add that the children may not meet the sex addict OW, or is that considered crazy?

7) No exposure to felons or anyone he has met on the Internet (good luck enforcing that).

8) SA treatment (he'll never go for it).

9) Alcohol treatment (I know someone whose alcoholic H had to do this. He can't pass it, and he has no overnights until he passes.)

Anything else? Am I insane to even be thinking this way??? I just figure it can't hurt.


Nature_Girl posted 9/28/2013 22:38 PM

Good luck. As you know I was unsuccessful at getting stuff THAT specific in my decree (which is going out for Round 4 of revisions!).

What I'd like for you to work on is to have consequences built into the wording. For instance, what happens if the kids see porn? Nothing? Reduced parenting time? Parenting classes? What happens if the kids are exposed to Daddy's activities en flagrante delicto?

See if you can have some "if/then" wording built in. Again, good luck getting it included in the actual decree. As you know, my STBX's lawyer has been 100% successful at keeping ALL language pertaining to his sexual perversions AND his abuse out of the decree. We are having a separate special letter of agreement or some such bullshit that will spell out, in one lousy sentence, that STBX will get in trouble if he screws this up. I found out why this is going down this way and not in the decree. Because the decree is a public document, what if a future employer was thorough in their background check of STBX and read the sex & abuse stuff? It might impact his ability to get a job. To which I say bullshit, an employer isn't going to go THAT far, or if they did then it's because it's for a high level security job in which case they SHOULD know about his perversion & abuse in order to avoid a security compromise.

But I digress..

ChoosingHope posted 9/28/2013 23:05 PM

NG, thanks.

It's interesting that I know someone who was able to prevent any overnights until her ex passes an alcohol abuse program (with testing). But nothing for SA.

The evaluator said he can add language saying that STBX must get treatment. But that's not to say he WILL do that. Time will tell.

I think that my STBX would actually follow a morality clause. So maybe that's what I should be asking.

What is the strictest language you can put into a morality clause?????

StillIRise posted 9/28/2013 23:25 PM

Choosing Hope, my attorney sent the responses to the LisaP's comments I forwarded. She didnt add anything additional but sent state standard language which indicates: "Children should be in a clean, sober and smoke free environment" Sorry I dont have more to add but will update you if anything new comes up

Bluebird26 posted 9/29/2013 03:58 AM

I have in mine - clauses about who can actually look after the children if the parents are unavailable (grandparents/aunts & uncles only).

Both parents have right of first reply if the time exceeds 4 hours or more. If then the other parent is unavailable our list of carers are the only ones who can care for the children. New partners and OW are not allowed to care for the children unless the time is under 4 hours.

Just a caution if you are going to suggest this one it means no friends can watch the kids unless they are listed. This clause has made it great for stability for the kids but difficult in the grand scheme of things.

Our children are not to be left in alone with partner's children. (my exwh stepkids are older teens, I wanted to ensure my kids are not dumped together with hers while they are off painting the town red!)

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 4:00 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Afraid2LoveAgain posted 9/29/2013 05:12 AM

How sad that the BS has to try to cover all the sick fuckery of the WS to protect precious children.

As for consequences for if the children are exposed to pornography? The old balls nailed to the floor, rusted knife, and burning shack idea works for me.

Hugs to all of you wonderful ladies that live this nightmare. My heart breaks for you.

Compartmented posted 9/29/2013 08:59 AM


Here are some things that were requested in a letter (but not put into the decree) in my situation:

Agreement that X would not use alcohol during the time minor child is with him.

Ensure that minor child is not exposed to sexual materials, including but not limited to any pornography, emails to or from X and other women he is dating and exposure to prostitutes. Password protection on X's computer to prevent minor child from seeing these things.

Ensure that minor child does not have access to X's pills. Ensure that weapons are unloaded and secured.

ChoosingHope posted 9/29/2013 11:53 AM

Thanks everyone. This is really helpful.

I probably need to talk to people who have divorced other addicts (alcohol, drugs) to learn more about what they did to protect their children.

It's his iPad that I'm worried about.

kecampbe posted 9/29/2013 18:48 PM

What a great post. I'm filing tomorrow from an alcoholic and I have many of the same concerns. I also would like to include language but want to put some "teeth" in it for if/when he violates the agreement. Maybe others have had success?

ChoosingHope posted 9/29/2013 23:35 PM


Maybe you can start a different post just about alcohol and you might get more responses? I wish I could help you more.

If you attorney has any suggestions, will you please post them here?

Thank you, and good luck tomorrow.

kecampbe posted 9/30/2013 05:02 AM

Choosing hope- that is a great idea. Thanks!

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