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cluless posted 9/28/2013 22:25 PM

On Day 28 and I'm scared. I seem to be going down. I don't even know what to say, the pain is unbearable and I "thought" for awhile that he was getting it, then he writes to a female co-worker who he claims he doesn't even like telling her ALL the details of the affair.

The whole time this has been going on, I wondered if he loved her and thought about leaving me. He ALWAYS denied it, swearing he always loved me (didn't like me) but he had no intention leaving me. But in his letter to her (written 3 days ago); The MAIN reason I didn't leave her is 1) her husband makes 200K per year; 2) she's a flight attendant and he doesn't want to be married to that! He talked about when he was young (this was his first love) their sex was HOT HOT HOT. Then he went on to talk about how we've been having amazing sex. I get amazing, she gets HOT HOT HOT and he told me it was the BEST he's ever had, which now makes me feel like shit. I can't get any lower than I am now. He was screaming at me again, threatening to leave, why don't I just have to courage to tell him to get the hell out?

Our whole marriage, he kept me down, NEVER made me feel good about myself, nothing was ever good enough. I remember feelings so lonely, so in need of attention and it turns out he felt the same way (except he wasn't facing a life ending surgery) and decided NOW would be a good time to cheat on me.

But there were some good times, but are they enough to truly be able to forgive? I'm beginning to question my sanity, most would have kicked to the curb. Why do I want to save it so bad? Is it worth saving? Can he change? He says he can, he wants to, but can he? Never in a million years did I think I would feel this hurt and destroyed to the depth of my soul. I don't even know who I am anymore, I'm lost.

cardnial posted 9/28/2013 23:03 PM

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope in time you will figure out what is best for you. Are you seeing a counselor? I had my D day 7 weeks ago, was doing ok but past couple days I just had a melt down. I made my H leave but some days I miss him so very much. I don't know why, we have a long history to gather, been with this man since I was !5 yrs old. Don't beat yourself up, you loved him, just go through these feelings and I sure hope it gets better for you with time. your Not going down, your just in a lot of pain. I've been there, still there. I have no idea if my H even wants to come home? God bless, hang in there.

Celticlass posted 9/28/2013 23:34 PM

(((Clueless))) what you are feeling is completely normal for the situation . The don't call it a roller coaster for nothing.

You do not have to make any decisions now, it is still so new and you are still raw & bleeding. Be kind to yourself and do the 180 HARD. It will help you to focus on yourself and detach. This is very important and it really does help.

I'm sure others with more words of wisdom will be along soon to help. This is an awesome site filled with the best friends you never thought you would have! Hang in there girl!

Broken1Again posted 9/29/2013 05:27 AM

Hi there,

It sounds like your dealing with an unremorseful spouse so it's no wonder especially that you feel the way you do. You may not feel like donning your bitch boots yet but let me don them for you.

First of all....WTF??? He is writing letters to FEMALES about you and your personal life???? HELL NO. He needs to go! He was screaming at you threatening you that he was going to leave. You need to say to him "is that a promise??? Get the F out!"

I'm sorry this man is not respecting you or your marriage. You're not sure if you should save it and I'm sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear but right now there is nothing to save. Well that isn't true entirely. There is something to save. Your sanity. Kick him to the curb. How dare he threaten you and how dare he write anyone of the opposite sex a letter about anything!!

Be kind to yourself. I know you're hurting and the last thing you may have wanted to hear was what I said. But I promise you you won't heal like this. Right now he is not in the trenches with you. Right now he is behaving like the enemy and enemies need to get the F out of the trench.

topperoff22 posted 9/29/2013 08:16 AM

I have similar feelings.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/29/2013 09:43 AM

After Dday, a WS who wants to save the marriage should show a 200% commitment to that marriage. Not all WS' are able to *get there* right away, and that is why there is typically a recovery/limbo period between Dday and true R. During the recovery/limbo period, a BS is able to sit back and gauge the WS' attitude and determine which way the WS is *moving* on the commitment scale -- slowly increasing his/her commitment OR not. An increase is a positive and anything less than that (even no change at all) is a negative.

Take *forgiveness* off of the table right now. It's not time to worry about that just yet. You can't successfully R with a WS who isn't *all in* on the marriage, so the decision of whether to forgive him or not is still a ways down the road.

I can attest to the fact that continuing to live with, and attempt to R with, a WS who isn't remorseful qualifies as one of Dante's circles of hell.

Put on your OWN oxygen mask before you try to *save* anyone/anything else.

But, IMHO, a WS, who 1 month after Dday, is screaming at you and threatening to leave.....needs to be shown the door.
Call his bluff and shut down that *threat* right now or else he will continue pulling that bullshit on you. If he really means it, then he'll be gone and not damaging you on a daily basis anymore and if he doesn't really mean it, then he'll know that you aren't going to allow him to jerk you around anymore and that he needs to start getting *real* and stop being an ass.

Like B1A said, it's time to put the bitch boots on......

cluless posted 9/29/2013 11:43 AM

Thanks for all your comments and feedback. There was a section of the letter that I missed, the first of what he sent to her just talking about owning the mistake and didn't go into details at all. It was beautiful actually, what I "thought" he was getting. He was sincere, he was taking full responsibility, etc. YES he crossed the boundry by speaking to a woman in the first place, THAT he understands now. This makes the sixth woman (that I know of) that he has crossed the line with and I've made it CLEAR to him now, DON'T TALK TO WOMEN ABOUT ANYTHING BUT SPORTS. Until he learns in therapy what is appropriate and what isn't.

Sad that I have to teach my 56 y.o. WH HOW to behave He has a lot of issues and he has finally admitted them and has agreed to get help. He wants to save the marriage, but he's quick to temper when he feels I nagate what he says. Again I remind him, it's NOT about you. YOU, YOUR NEEDS MAKE NO DIFFERENCE RIGHT NOW, GET IT?

I also told him if he threatens to leave me (which is habit btw) that I will have my boys escort him out of this house. I can't be his mother, he needs to grow up and stop feeling sorry for himself. He needs to stop soliciting advice from people that will elicit his needed response. No!

Thank God, my son was here last night, and just sat with me and listened to me vent, and then we started listening to music and I was better. I think I got through to him that when he does crap like sending THAT type of letter, or when he threatens to leave it NAGATES everything we have built back up so far. He has patterns, he needs to break. I'm just trying to hold it together, I can't be worried about him right now.

He threw his wedding ring off yesterday when he was yelling at me. I took it and hid it, so he was yelling at it, that is HIS ring. I said 'actually it's not, I GAVE that ring to you in our wedding and you broke our vows, it means nothing anymore' then he insisted on having my wedding ring, so I gave it to him. He gave it back.

We have a lot of crap to sort out, this behavior HAS to stop, I NEED to get better. Thanks you guys, you are so supportive

bionicgal posted 9/29/2013 13:13 PM

Don't talk to women about sports either. . . Take it from me!

cluless posted 9/29/2013 16:25 PM

You're kidding me? Well he said "I'm staying away from women, nothing personal, ever again." Unreal, to think another woman would do this to somebodies husband. It's as LOW as you can go.