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I'm asking because I have always been a very open person and now am putting up my own walls. I feel like a complete idiot to have taken everything at face value - have been putting password on iPad for first time ever (H actually asked me for it and I laughed - the same guy who has protected every device for months and used them to write trashy notes to another woman!!). One of the main reasons I did it was I want SI to be my space to be me and he is very techy so would find the site and everything needed within minutes. I used to tell him everything I did and who I was with. I have started to keep part if my life to myself. Last week I met a very old friend (former co-worker who is our family friend) - I decided to tell him as I have found myself avoiding people who don't know as I can't keep the pretence for long and he is a good friend. There is nothing more to our relationship than friendship (and I would never ever let there be) - I have to say it was very gratifying to have a man I respect and like very much be completely knocked out by it - he was both angry for me and didn't understand how my H could do it (he has been in our home regularly for many years and said he would have put us very last on the list for an A). It helped to have someone outside the M who wasn't a female friend or family member tell me my H was a shit...sometimes I feel betrayal is no normalised by TV, modern life....anyway, while I still am thinking of R I know I am closing a part of me of off from H for self-protection and perhaps to give him some of his own medicine...maybe that isn't healthy but it is how I feel

I know how you feel! I have changed in soo many ways. Some are positive changes, and some are not. I too feel more secretive with my FWH. He used to be the first person I would tell everything to, and now I still share but not as much. I'm much more outspoken, and I don't put up with any crap from others. I don't care about the little things like I used to. I think for so long I was defined by marriage and now I'm just trying to figure out who I am.

Yes...I have been closing myself off too. too afraid to open up and be made an idiot of again. I put passwords on things, started flirting with a family member online....not telling WH how I feel. I just want to crawl into a hole and die most days now. I have no ambition...no desire for life and no interest in the things that used to bring me joy. WH tries hard to hug me and comfort me but some days I seriously feel dead inside and some days i want to push him away and scream "I will never forgive you! Stop hugging me now when you ignored me for almost afucking year!!!" Having a rough day...can you tell?

That is it! TRying to figure out who I am...I just don't even know anymore... :( My pastor says: "You are a child of God." I know he is right but now I don't even know what that means anymore or what I'm supposed to learn from all this. I couldnt' have learned it another way instead of him screwing her and lying to me for months and month? SOme days I seriously wish I was dead.

Topper I hear you (just substitute "for one year" with 19 months and it reads like my life) I feel like screaming at my H at times when he tells me now how attractive and in love with me he is "Sure so you managed to ignore me for best part of two years due to 'work stress' and sleep with another woman but I am obviously irresistible..." it all feels so insincere and I don't trust a thing he says...particularly when he told the OW she was the one one he was waiti for for 40 long years (the same soulmate he dumped the minute she told me of the A...)I don't want his betrayal to define me and I am hanging in there by thinking of the things I have in my life. Maybe I will forgive in the future but I will never forget and I know the scars will be deep....

Im mean to him. Im not afraid to tell him how much a peice of crap I think he is. Of course I say these things at my angriest but usually I wouldnt be as mean. I dont care about any of his needs, when he says things I snicker, roll my eyes or remind him to choose his workds wisely bc even asking for a glass of water can be turned around into how hes a cheating mutha. I refuse for him to even try and argue with me bc I am ALWAYS right anymore. I dont care what his opinions are and I could care less what he thinks about anything I wear. The week after I found out I wore a shirt to work that showed off my chest, not bc I was trying to make him jealous, just the shirt I wore that night. When I got home he said he never wanted me to wear that again bc he didnt like the idea of guys looking at me. EXCUSE ME? I dont like the idea of another woman fucking my husband? Yep I told him that and I could care less how that hurt.

Im just mean in general.

He even told me that he didnt like me coming here bc its just going to make it worse talking to man hating women who dont know what theyre talking about.....I told him he could kiss my ass bc not everyone here are women who have been hurt. No matter what he says I love that I found this place and I could care less how he feels about it.

I also dont talk to him about things anymore, not unless its about the A. The last serious conversation we had about us I was reaching out for him more than ever and he took it as we must be close to being done so Ill go fuck that little girl from work thats been trying to get on my balls for a week now....

[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 6:01 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

More private.
Less emotional.
More independent.
Less concerned with pleasing anyone but myself.
More patient.
Less affected by moods of others esp WH.
More respectful of myself.
More careful around couples.
Less trusting.
More skeptical.
More thankful for the good in my life.

Hey Jennifer, my thoughts on your response.
I am definitely more private. I feel since I am trying to work on the R I need to just process how I feel alone and not let too many others influence what I am thinking and therefore feeling. I also get the respecting and valuing of self that you describe. I am wondering what you mean about being careful around couples? The one thing I have noticed is that I am trying not to make pessimistic remarks about relationships and trusting men.

"More private.
Less emotional.
More independent.
Less concerned with pleasing anyone but myself.
More patient.
Less affected by moods of others esp WH.
More respectful of myself.
More careful around couples.
Less trusting.
More skeptical.
More thankful for the good in my life."

Yea sirree.

I have trust issues of everyone.
I guard my feelings so I won't be hurt
I will never love my husband as I did before.
I view marriage differently
I appear angry to others
I sneak around looking for signs of infidelity
I have staked the OW

I am not the woman I once was.

(((hugs))) to all of the above posters. I don't think we will ever be the same people we were before. In the past few months I have learned more about infidelity, cheaters, their behavior, and acronyms I never knew I didn't know. My mother keeps telling me not to be a victim, to be strong and I can get through this. I wonder if that is her way of telling me not to dwell on this so much. I don't talk to her as much now, maybe she is tired of hearing me cry. The thing is though, I am still so very sad. I don't laugh much anymore, I know when I smile that it is fake. I sit in the school car lines waiting on my kids with tears rolling down my cheeks. I feel very alone, and wonder on some days if I wouldn't be better off gone. I made a list of reasons to stay, and reasons to leave. My list of reasons to stay is short - it is my 4 children. If they didn't need me I would've ended things already. I am more closed off from people, and I find it hard to be around my friends who are happily married, and who husbands didn't cheat. I wonder what it must be like to be loved so much by someone, loved unconditionally, that you know that person is the one you will grow old with. I long for a love like that. I felt that way about my spouse, too bad he didn't cherish me the way I adored him. He changed the trajectory of our lives when he cheated. I have changed into a person I don't like. I don't trust anyone or anything anymore, I am cynical, and I don't respect myself for staying with someone who showed me no respect by his actions. I keep hoping one day I will wake up happy again. I wish that for all of us on this site.

I am certainly not the happy person I was once was. I love to laugh and can not remember the last time I had a really good belly laugh. I am flat out mad at the world and all my WH's friends. I hate my WH. HATE HIM!!! His knee was hurting today and I swear I wanted to kick him in it and then tell him that even that pain does not compare to what I am going through. I have thoughts of doing horrible things to his food. He thought I did the other day so he did not eat.. I did not and he missed out on a really good dinner...lol
I no longer give people the benefit of the doubt. If you are a AH I think that is exactly who you are rather than...maybe that person is having a bad day. I play music I know he hates..bc I love it and do not give a crap about what he thinks. Just a meaner person. My husband also got mad that I was on here. Our MC told him to leave me alone and he could not dictate where I find support. WH is a selfish SOB!

I don't laugh or smile. I'm not warm to him at all. He is still here because I choose to have him here, and it serves my purposes to have him here to take care of the house, yard, etc.

We're in IC and MC--just started--but he's in deep denial about HIS decision and rationale for having a 7 yr LTA with a hooker (he is in the blame-the-wife or anything else he can stage)--perhaps there will not ever be a good enough reason, but I want to know the thoughts that led him to believe the A was okay.

One of his reasons yesterday was that he didn't learn enough about being a Catholic. Really? You were born into the Catholic faith, and you don't know right from wrong???

I have thoughts about how to help drive the Karma Bus. Sometimes I do drive. I use his toothbrush to scrub the scum around the faucet in the bathroom sink, and to clean my comb. Then, I spray rubbing alcohol on it to sanitize it. It gives me a modicum of satisfaction to do this, all the while knowing it's immature of me. Oh, and I also think maybe he's just not thinking right because he's all stopped up, so I put extra fiber in his beverages.

When I look at him, I realize I used to love him--the person he was up until 7 years ago, I guess, when he thought I and our marriage was disposable or not important or something--and I acknowledge now I feel nothing for him. He serves whatever purpose I wish at this time.

I asked him "do you remember the time you were in the ER (4 hours) and then admitted to the hospital for a bleeding ulcer? Do you remember the time you ended up in the ER with the flu that wouldn't stop (6 hours)? Do you remember when you were in the ER (7 hours) because you were a passenger in a car that was in an accident?" Then I tell him that if I had known about the A, I wouldn't have helped him--he'd be on his own. THAT'S how angry and hurt I am.

I vacillate between abject hurt beyond words, hate that he could do something so heinous, and indifference, and there are more days of indifference. I don't trust him and truly doubt I will ever trust him again.

I hate when he has his angry face after I ask him a question, wanting to know more details. I hate when he rolls his eyes. I call him on this shit and say he has NO RIGHT to be angry or to roll his eyes.

I also wonder if he has the stones to stay and work on our marriage, and deal with me and my ups and downs for the upcoming YEARS, and deal with my devolving into a sobbing mess when the betrayal hits (yeah, it's not all indifference). I wonder if there is hope for us in R and if I am pushing him away as I go through this journey.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:03 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Since I found out about my WS secret life ...

I question our entire marriage (28 years).

I question everything about him and see him in a totally different light (not a good one at all)

I question my thinking and ability to tell if a person is a good person.

I don't believe in love

There is no security in the future.

I don't respect myself because I am too afraid to leave and start over at 54.

There is guilt because I am showing my daughters a bad example.

I blame our teens drug addictions on him because he modeled the sneaky, lying, addictive behavior to them.

Our handicapped daughter can't live at home because of the tension between us, her parents.

Our son is now on the streets. We had professional help to turn him around while he was here but WS was so busy being Mr. Nice Guy and cheating on me that he couldn't be a parent and he certainly wouldn't get on the same page and at least support me when I set boundaries. Now its too late.

I see him as the scum of all scum because he deserted me and hurt me to the core when our family was falling apart and deep grief was on us.

I am not proud of him anymore. He is a 59 y/o selfish child. When others praise him, I am silent. He has them fooled but I know the truth.

Everywhere I go, I am reminded of HER. He thinks she is wonderful and innocent. He still protects her while throwing my feelings aside.

I see through his lies and when I don't, I expect that they are still lies that will come out later.

I don't trust my in-laws or any of his friends.

Thoughts of his lack of character and of our hurting adult children are the first things to come to mind in the morning.

I fear that I will be a bitter old woman and I don't want to be.

Wondering if I will be able to be a loving person to him when He isn't going to change much. He doesn't think he did much to hurt our marriage. He see himself as a victim of circumstance. Our lives were stressful, his needs weren't being met and he "took the easy way out" but now he is back and I should be glad. He can't comprehend how he has hurt me, thinks everyone lies just as much as he does, believes himself and refuses to consider his weaknesses, see himself as a great guy and because he is loved by so many people (he is an elementary school teacher) thinks I just don't see the great guy he is. Sees his AF as another victim. Protects her but leaves me in the cold.

We are in MC and she is good but he doesn't seem to have a heart to hang what she says on. My individual counselor says that we are at impasse because we both feel that we have done what we are supposed to do but we can't move forward. She suggested expecting nothing. Stating my feelings and when they are disregarded, continuing to state them. She said it could take 6 months or never but he will have to face himself because if I don't get angry and shame him, he has no one but himself to blame when he lies, ignores, or goes emotionally AWOL. Right now, he justifies his behavior because he is the victim of my angry words. He can't see what his behavior contributed to what I am saying.

Hope2B
Love this part.
I use his toothbrush to scrub the scum around the faucet in the bathroom sink, and to clean my comb. Then, I spray rubbing alcohol on it to sanitize it. It gives me a modicum of satisfaction to do this, all the while knowing it's immature of me. Oh, and I also think maybe he's just not thinking right because he's all stopped up, so I put extra fiber in his beverages.

Thank you for my first good laugh today. Certainly something I may think about using.

I have no tolerence for anyone who is openly cheating. I didn't have much before but now... I express my dislike for that type of life or person involved. I also remove myself from situations where I might spill the beans on my H>

I am more critical of him. "OMG what kind of monster are you?"

I have become more selfish. I think this is a good thing. I am first now. I take care of me and my needs. He is on the bottom of my priority list.

I use his toothbrush to scrub the scum around the faucet in the bathroom sink, and to clean my comb. Then, I spray rubbing alcohol on it to sanitize it. It gives me a modicum of satisfaction to do this, all the while knowing it's immature of me. Oh, and I also think maybe he's just not thinking right because he's all stopped up, so I put extra fiber in his beverages.

Yeah, storm77, sometimes I just have to drive the Karma bus even if I do sanitize the toothbrush afterwards--and hey, can anyone have too much fiber if all I add is a little bit more that I think will get things moving for him?!

I just can't bring myself to scrub the toilet with his toothbrush, but I've thought of it.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:02 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Besides being so sad and depressed at what my life has become, I've stopped caring about him. I used to really take care of him, setting out his daily medicine, ironing his clothes so he would look nice and people would know his wife loved and cared about him. I would listen to him and take his side on the stories he would tell of differences and problems in his career.

Not anymore. I don't care if he lives or dies. I don't care if he comes home or strokes out from high blood pressure, or if anyone hurts him. I just can't care about someone who had such little regard for me and my feelings. I'm numb towards him.

All of the posts on this thread are so very close to how I feel. I lost a part of me through all of this and I'm so angry about it. I lost interest in things that were important to me. I have obsessed over this since D-day in July 2012 and feel so lost. I'm still with my BF of 13 years but I don't want to confide in him like I used to. I have uneasy feelings about him even touching me. I cringe at some things he says, maybe its a specific word or phrase that should not be a big deal but it is to me b/c I saw that exact phrase in the text messages between him and the OW. I don't trust him at all. I don't tell him I love him first anymore. I hold back. I suffered in silence for so long, not wanting to tell family and close friends b/c I wanted to protect him and did not want people thinking less of me for staying.

I'm sorry for anyone going through this type of pain.