Im just mean in general.
He even told me that he didnt like me coming here bc its just going to make it worse talking to man hating women who dont know what theyre talking about.....I told him he could kiss my ass bc not everyone here are women who have been hurt. No matter what he says I love that I found this place and I could care less how he feels about it.
I also dont talk to him about things anymore, not unless its about the A. The last serious conversation we had about us I was reaching out for him more than ever and he took it as we must be close to being done so Ill go fuck that little girl from work thats been trying to get on my balls for a week now....
[This message edited by suposd2btheonly1 at 6:01 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]
Less concerned with pleasing anyone but myself.
Less affected by moods of others esp WH.
More respectful of myself.
More careful around couples.
More thankful for the good in my life."
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 19 y
I have trust issues of everyone.
I guard my feelings so I won't be hurt
I will never love my husband as I did before.
I view marriage differently
I appear angry to others
I sneak around looking for signs of infidelity
I have staked the OW
I am not the woman I once was.
We're in IC and MC--just started--but he's in deep denial about HIS decision and rationale for having a 7 yr LTA with a hooker (he is in the blame-the-wife or anything else he can stage)--perhaps there will not ever be a good enough reason, but I want to know the thoughts that led him to believe the A was okay.
One of his reasons yesterday was that he didn't learn enough about being a Catholic. Really? You were born into the Catholic faith, and you don't know right from wrong???
I have thoughts about how to help drive the Karma Bus. Sometimes I do drive. I use his toothbrush to scrub the scum around the faucet in the bathroom sink, and to clean my comb. Then, I spray rubbing alcohol on it to sanitize it. It gives me a modicum of satisfaction to do this, all the while knowing it's immature of me. Oh, and I also think maybe he's just not thinking right because he's all stopped up, so I put extra fiber in his beverages.
When I look at him, I realize I used to love him--the person he was up until 7 years ago, I guess, when he thought I and our marriage was disposable or not important or something--and I acknowledge now I feel nothing for him. He serves whatever purpose I wish at this time.
I asked him "do you remember the time you were in the ER (4 hours) and then admitted to the hospital for a bleeding ulcer? Do you remember the time you ended up in the ER with the flu that wouldn't stop (6 hours)? Do you remember when you were in the ER (7 hours) because you were a passenger in a car that was in an accident?" Then I tell him that if I had known about the A, I wouldn't have helped him--he'd be on his own. THAT'S how angry and hurt I am.
I vacillate between abject hurt beyond words, hate that he could do something so heinous, and indifference, and there are more days of indifference. I don't trust him and truly doubt I will ever trust him again.
I hate when he has his angry face after I ask him a question, wanting to know more details. I hate when he rolls his eyes. I call him on this shit and say he has NO RIGHT to be angry or to roll his eyes.
I also wonder if he has the stones to stay and work on our marriage, and deal with me and my ups and downs for the upcoming YEARS, and deal with my devolving into a sobbing mess when the betrayal hits (yeah, it's not all indifference). I wonder if there is hope for us in R and if I am pushing him away as I go through this journey.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:03 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]
I question our entire marriage (28 years).
I question everything about him and see him in a totally different light (not a good one at all)
I question my thinking and ability to tell if a person is a good person.
I don't believe in love
There is no security in the future.
I don't respect myself because I am too afraid to leave and start over at 54.
There is guilt because I am showing my daughters a bad example.
I blame our teens drug addictions on him because he modeled the sneaky, lying, addictive behavior to them.
Our handicapped daughter can't live at home because of the tension between us, her parents.
Our son is now on the streets. We had professional help to turn him around while he was here but WS was so busy being Mr. Nice Guy and cheating on me that he couldn't be a parent and he certainly wouldn't get on the same page and at least support me when I set boundaries. Now its too late.
I see him as the scum of all scum because he deserted me and hurt me to the core when our family was falling apart and deep grief was on us.
I am not proud of him anymore. He is a 59 y/o selfish child. When others praise him, I am silent. He has them fooled but I know the truth.
Everywhere I go, I am reminded of HER. He thinks she is wonderful and innocent. He still protects her while throwing my feelings aside.
I see through his lies and when I don't, I expect that they are still lies that will come out later.
I don't trust my in-laws or any of his friends.
Thoughts of his lack of character and of our hurting adult children are the first things to come to mind in the morning.
I fear that I will be a bitter old woman and I don't want to be.
Wondering if I will be able to be a loving person to him when He isn't going to change much. He doesn't think he did much to hurt our marriage. He see himself as a victim of circumstance. Our lives were stressful, his needs weren't being met and he "took the easy way out" but now he is back and I should be glad. He can't comprehend how he has hurt me, thinks everyone lies just as much as he does, believes himself and refuses to consider his weaknesses, see himself as a great guy and because he is loved by so many people (he is an elementary school teacher) thinks I just don't see the great guy he is. Sees his AF as another victim. Protects her but leaves me in the cold.
We are in MC and she is good but he doesn't seem to have a heart to hang what she says on. My individual counselor says that we are at impasse because we both feel that we have done what we are supposed to do but we can't move forward. She suggested expecting nothing. Stating my feelings and when they are disregarded, continuing to state them. She said it could take 6 months or never but he will have to face himself because if I don't get angry and shame him, he has no one but himself to blame when he lies, ignores, or goes emotionally AWOL. Right now, he justifies his behavior because he is the victim of my angry words. He can't see what his behavior contributed to what I am saying.
Thank you for my first good laugh today. Certainly something I may think about using.
I am more critical of him. "OMG what kind of monster are you?"
I have become more selfish. I think this is a good thing. I am first now. I take care of me and my needs. He is on the bottom of my priority list.
I use his toothbrush to scrub the scum around the faucet in the bathroom sink, and to clean my comb. Then, I spray rubbing alcohol on it to sanitize it. It gives me a modicum of satisfaction to do this, all the while knowing it's immature of me. Oh, and I also think maybe he's just not thinking right because he's all stopped up, so I put extra fiber in his beverages.
Yeah, storm77, sometimes I just have to drive the Karma bus even if I do sanitize the toothbrush afterwards--and hey, can anyone have too much fiber if all I add is a little bit more that I think will get things moving for him?!
I just can't bring myself to scrub the toilet with his toothbrush, but I've thought of it.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:02 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
Not anymore. I don't care if he lives or dies. I don't care if he comes home or strokes out from high blood pressure, or if anyone hurts him. I just can't care about someone who had such little regard for me and my feelings. I'm numb towards him.
I'm sorry for anyone going through this type of pain.