Since I found out about my WS secret life ...
I question our entire marriage (28 years).
I question everything about him and see him in a totally different light (not a good one at all)
I question my thinking and ability to tell if a person is a good person.
I don't believe in love
There is no security in the future.
I don't respect myself because I am too afraid to leave and start over at 54.
There is guilt because I am showing my daughters a bad example.
I blame our teens drug addictions on him because he modeled the sneaky, lying, addictive behavior to them.
Our handicapped daughter can't live at home because of the tension between us, her parents.
Our son is now on the streets. We had professional help to turn him around while he was here but WS was so busy being Mr. Nice Guy and cheating on me that he couldn't be a parent and he certainly wouldn't get on the same page and at least support me when I set boundaries. Now its too late.
I see him as the scum of all scum because he deserted me and hurt me to the core when our family was falling apart and deep grief was on us.
I am not proud of him anymore. He is a 59 y/o selfish child. When others praise him, I am silent. He has them fooled but I know the truth.
Everywhere I go, I am reminded of HER. He thinks she is wonderful and innocent. He still protects her while throwing my feelings aside.
I see through his lies and when I don't, I expect that they are still lies that will come out later.
I don't trust my in-laws or any of his friends.
Thoughts of his lack of character and of our hurting adult children are the first things to come to mind in the morning.
I fear that I will be a bitter old woman and I don't want to be.
Wondering if I will be able to be a loving person to him when He isn't going to change much. He doesn't think he did much to hurt our marriage. He see himself as a victim of circumstance. Our lives were stressful, his needs weren't being met and he "took the easy way out" but now he is back and I should be glad. He can't comprehend how he has hurt me, thinks everyone lies just as much as he does, believes himself and refuses to consider his weaknesses, see himself as a great guy and because he is loved by so many people (he is an elementary school teacher) thinks I just don't see the great guy he is. Sees his AF as another victim. Protects her but leaves me in the cold.
We are in MC and she is good but he doesn't seem to have a heart to hang what she says on. My individual counselor says that we are at impasse because we both feel that we have done what we are supposed to do but we can't move forward. She suggested expecting nothing. Stating my feelings and when they are disregarded, continuing to state them. She said it could take 6 months or never but he will have to face himself because if I don't get angry and shame him, he has no one but himself to blame when he lies, ignores, or goes emotionally AWOL. Right now, he justifies his behavior because he is the victim of my angry words. He can't see what his behavior contributed to what I am saying.