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Newest Member: MrsB (61169)

User Topic: How Could He?
♀ 37752
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How Could He?

I am so effed up and pissed off. I was too sick and weak from my high risk pregnancy to really think clearly.

I was pregnant. He did not use condoms with the whore.

He came home and had sex with me after sex with her.

How could he do that??

How do I 'come to terms' and 'gain perspective' (his words) of what he is capable of, and stay married to him?

Any comment, advise, philosophy, greatly appreciated....

I am disgusted.

[This message edited by Littleleaf at 5:48 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Posts: 91 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly have no idea how he could have done that with you at home in such a delicate state carrying his child. It's the same special sort of cruelty from people who cheat on spouses who are battling life threatening, long term illnesses like cancer. Its absolutely maddening.

As far as what to do now, it's not to just come to terms with it like he wants. That's a nice, white glove way for him to ask you to just forget it, sweep it way under the rug, and continue with life as it was so he doesn't have to deal with it anymore.

Hell no!

Real R doesn't require you to just get over it. From what I've seen on this site, it takes months and years of him helping you, working on himself and your M through therapy, talking and giving you the freedom to process this horrible betrayal. If he is unable or unwilling to do all these basic things for as long as you need, it sounds like you are just going to spin your wheels.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3871 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is the one who needs to gain perspective.

You have every reason to be disgusted and angry. He had unprotected sex with another woman and came home and had unprotected sex with you while pregnant. STD's can be very,very dangerous for an unborn child..and the mother too,of course. What he did was thoughtless,reckless,dangerous,and completely negligent. It could have had dire consequences.

If he doesn't understand how shitty his actions were,Im sorry. If by "come to terms," he means you need to accept it..well..that will come with time.

But I think your perspective is spot on.


FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is the one who needs to

'gain perspective'

of the sheer magnitude of the danger that he placed you and your unborn child in by his gross negligence of both of your healths during an already 'high risk' pregnancy. Is he in IC?

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 2356 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not your job to make sense from nonsense.

He did it because he wanted to. There may be other things at play, but that's what it boils down to.

He wanted to.

There simply is no way to put that into perspective.

You might be able to learn to live with it. Together, you might be able to move forward constructively---with him gathering better coping tools and rejecting certain behaviors.

But there's no way to "gain perspective" about a guy who fucks around on his pregnant wife during a high-risk pregnancy, potentially exposing her to filthy disease.

He's the one who needs to gain perspective.

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15256 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to think long and hard before I could accept that man back. It was bad enough I was dealing with health problems when my husband slept with his ex girlfriend. He gave this long stupid story about how our son was sick, I was sick, his grandfather had just died, etc. So....apparently the stress of my son and I being sick..which was out of of our control was his excuse for fucking her. anger level is going up again. Must stop. I want to punch your husband...seriously. After I hit mine with a bat.

BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
♀ 33628
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Littleleaf))))) My WH has done things and I keep asking "how could you?" Until he answers I am not considering R. But maybe he did it because you were unwell and he couldn't cope? I am not excusing this in anyway but a lot of the reason for infidelity are poor coping and immature coping. The no condoms is quite common, I read it here all the time. It is like a denial - if I buy condoms then I am planning to cheat whereas if it just happens...
This is common thinking - screwed up thinking but common. It seems to be part of this horrible cheating mind set. Has he suggested what perspective you should gain? Has he given you any idea of how to come to terms with something like that? Funny isn't it how the W can become suddenly so wise after the fact. I hear this too.
We must move on
We must look to the future.
Really? That makes me beyond angry! This is hard one to bear and a harder one to forgive but only you can make that decision. I don't think he is helping with glib comments like that.

EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 353 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 37752
Member # 37752
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sent to immunologists in a bigger centre, due to 'red flags' in babies development. I was 'flushed' with anti-bioics.
As WH's whore was infected w filth.
We had scans every month to monitor brain development, organ development.
Baby is now, very healthy. But, blindness, deafness or mental disability may show up as he grows.
I am soooo f*cked up.
This has destroyed just about everything.
I suppose I will NEVER UNDERSTAND.
I thought, he loved me?
I thought he wanted this child, wanted me?
He threw us into the garbage, as soon as she lifted her skirt.
And thats what I feel like - worthless. Garbage.
And, I have this little, baby to take care of.
When all I want to do, is lay down and cry until I disappear.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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