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statistic posted 9/29/2013 09:45 AM

My husband convinced me for the past year that he was not unfaithful. Instead I was made to feel like I was a lunatic. He denied. I started to believe him because we have a 3 month old and I want to keep it all together. Yesterday he did not want to give me a password to his cc. I looked at old charges and saw hotel charges from April - August of last year. I called the hotel and they said he was there every week in August and paid in cash. He admitted what he did. I'm sick to my stomach. I can't bring myself to do what my 3 month old needs from me so I asked my sister for help. I don't want to believe it. I cannot tolerate knowing he held, kissed, and slept with another woman, not one considering what we would lose for his brief moments of pleasure. Thinking of the two of them together makes me sick but the image pops into my head. How could he enjoy involving himself in such destructive behavior. Why wasn't my love enough? Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he think about the hurt this would cause. I'm too upset to go through and read the other posts or library. I just cannot focus. Please tell me I will survive because I must say I don't want to live right now.

realitybites posted 9/29/2013 09:51 AM

Please tell me I will survive because I must say I don't want to live right now.

Trust me you will be OK. In fact it takes alot of guts to trust your gut and go ahead and look at those CC bills. You KNOW deep down inside that you needed to know more, you knew he was lying you just were not ready to face it.

Instead I was made to feel like I was a lunatic. He denied.

^^This is the part where you need to get very angry and stick to your guns.^^

He LET you feel crazy. His comfort and his needs were more important then you. Throwing you and your sanity under the bus was more important. He also used joint funds to see this OW. I would say its time for you to get those bitch boots on and figure out whether you want to keep this kind of guy around.

MJane posted 9/29/2013 09:55 AM

Statistic hang in there and you have to believe one thing - his A is not about you but about him. I found out a few weeks about my H started an A when I was in last months of pregnancy (a baby we longed for and that I struggled to have) - it rocked my world to think that he was sleeping with her while I was in hospital and breast feeding our child at nights (working late...). I still struggle every day with the sadness but you will find moments of light and that baby you hold will be one of the things that helps bring that about. I look at my son now, 19 Months, and realise that I can and will get through this and that the selfish idiot that is his father just damaged the most important things in his life to feel worshipped or a buzz (OW is stalker like and I think he loved all the attention). Whatever happens in next few weeks and months hang in there and know you have friends on here. I am grateful every day for the advice and also the humour that pulls me through. About the OW you also need to think that it has little to do with "her" - she is not better, more beautiful, smart etc - she was just someone ready and willing and desperate enough to go with a married man...she isn't competition she is a symptom....take good care of yourself and your little one and hope you have some support for you.

SurelyNOT posted 9/29/2013 09:59 AM

PLEASE reading other peoples responses really does help. Day 55 after discovery day, and I have to say, I have found tremendous strength, bolstering, advice, solace and believe it or not some laughs. Not only will you survive, you will triumph, YES the road ahead is bumpy and all uphill, your scars run deep and they will forever remind you of your ordeal BUT they will heal over and will no longer be a threat to your existence.
(((HUGS))) to you and best wishes on this mammoth journey. You have found SI and it will prove invaluable.

heartache101 posted 9/29/2013 10:25 AM

Please see a lawyer and make sure you understand your rights if you divorce.
I am sorry you are here.
Please tell your OBGYN. They will need to Run a panel of STD test on you do this ASAP? Make sure they include the test for HPV.

statistic posted 9/29/2013 11:26 AM

Thank you for the quick replies. Ive never felt pain like this before. Since asking him to leave, the only time he's contacted me was to tell me about the "consequences" if I were to tell anyone he works with. He said that I would effectively ruin any chance of reconciliation bc he will lose his job and not be able to support us and he will be forced to leave the city.

Why do I feel guilty? I cannot stand him being mad at me or thinking poorly of me. Even after all he has done, I don't want to hurt him or make him angry. After all he has done, I wish he would show more desperation or act like a man whose losing everything. Instead, he was first apologetic, I said I could not forgive him, and now he is just angry. It's like he wants me to move past this now. What is wrong with me? How can I be so weak and stupid? It's like the worse he treats me and angrier he gets, the more I want to make HIM feel better. Right now I am texting and calling because I want to know details about the affair and feel like I have the right to know. He ignored me. He says I am handling this wrong and ruining any chance of reconciliation by purposefully making him feel bad and criticizing him about what he did. Will he ever understand the pain he has inflicted? Will he ever regret? Will he ever experience the sense of loss I feel? Or does he get to have an exciting affair with a woman and get his need met, then get off scott free without any emotional consequence?

sailorgirl posted 9/29/2013 11:58 AM

It's normal that you hurt so much! It's like getting hit by a truck. Betrayal is a horrible experience, and he's heaping rejection on top of it.

There are only a lucky few among us who canít relate to the intense pain of being rejected by a significant other. If a breakup is unexpected, itís all the more painful ó it can hurt with such intensity that you canít breathe, as if youíve been punched in the gut.

According to Edward Smith, a psychologist at Columbia University, thereís a reason for that. Along with a team of colleagues, Smith found that intense emotional pain can activate the same neural pathways as physical pain. So being rejected can really hurt in a visceral, physical way as if youíve really been punched.

Also, rejection causes chemical changes in your brain that make you pursue the one who rejected you and long to have him back. Even to the point of accepting bad treatment.

Romantic rejection actually triggers changes in our brains, according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has studied the chemistry of romantic love. Her research was eye-opening for me. It answered a lot of questions about my own reactions to being cheated on and rejected, and will probably shine some light on yours. She describes how brain scans of rejected people suggest that they secrete excess dopamine and cortisol during the initial phase of being rejected. That's why rejected lovers get frantic and tend to relentlessly pursue their beloved. They may also take humiliating measures to reconnect with him or her--anything from writing letters to storming into the other lover's home to begging him to change his mind.

This is normal and explainable, but it doesn't make it less awful and painful.

((statistic)) The important thing is that all this is temporary. These feelings will not last forever. You will survive and you will thrive, and so will your sweet baby!

I think your a$$hole WH is rejecting you first so that he won't have to feel the pain of your judgement. He is shutting you out so that he can continue to think he is a good guy.

Soon, you will be able to get mad. Who is he to assume reconciliation is a possibility?? That would be your decision and your gift to give IF he took full responsibility for his actions.

Will he ever experience the sense of loss I feel? Or does he get to have an exciting affair with a woman and get his need met, then get off scott free without any emotional consequence?

It is possible that he will never feel remorse. If so, he is a sociopath or has a personality disorder, and you need to get away from him asap.

But you don't have any control over what he does or feels. So protect yourself and your child. See a lawyer. Ignore him. The more you contact him, the more he hurts you.

Look up the 180 in the Healing Library and focus on you! Keep posting, we hear you.

headdesk posted 9/29/2013 12:48 PM

Big hugs.Remember anger (and threats - like the don't tell work one) is all about control. Many people will use many different ways to get what they'd like (some of which are manipulation) but threats/anger have nothing to do with you - they're his way of throwing and (adult??) 2 year old tantrum to get what he wants. It's not him being inspired to do true work or really make a change in his own behaviour, it's about controlling yours.

doggiediva posted 9/29/2013 13:01 PM

OMG..After what he has done he has the balls to threaten you?
You ought to tell him to take his threats and put them where the light doesn't shine..
See a lawyer to know your rights in case he abandons you and your baby or you want to file for D

doggiediva posted 9/29/2013 13:07 PM

Oh BTW, he doesn't get off scott free..Pls see the lawyer..
Make it an absolute condition of R that a post nup is to be in place that he signs..This post nup should state that there will be the consequence of D with settlement hugely in your favor should he be caught cheating again..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:07 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

statistic posted 9/29/2013 13:18 PM

Everything you all say makes complete sense, from putting my bitch boots on to not falling for his threats. I'm in the weaker position here because I adore this man and am having trouble separating this horrible behavior from the man I love. How do I do these things? How do I get a backbone? I'm terrified of living alone and raising my daughter alone. I notified the husband of the other woman bc they were going through a divorce and he did not have proof of her affair. I told him I have proof. He told my husband that he will be notifying his boss that he is sleeping with clients which is against the rules. My husband called me now saying I had a chance to stay with him but I ruined it by throwing him under the buss and forcing him to lose his job. He said because of this, he wants nothing to do with my daughter and I and it is all my fault. I feel horrible. Please she's some rationale thought in me bc I cannot think straight. Was I wrong? Did I ruin any chance? I'm not sure I was even considering a potential reconciliation. I just found out yesterday for gods sake!

MJane posted 9/29/2013 13:35 PM

Statistic it is not R if you are the only one doing the work - I know you still love him and are worried about the baby but think about what kind of a marriage you will be in if he thinks he holds all the cards even when the hurt and damage has been all his doing. Please do read the 180 and you need to get some space and support - is there anyone in your life you can turn to for this? If he s like this right now how do you know it is over with the OW and how on earth will you get any trust back for someone who lacks all remorse and empathy for what he has put you through? Please put aside your fear and very natural desire for your world to be as it once was - it will never be but you need time to work out what is best for YOU

shatter-ed posted 9/29/2013 13:50 PM

I am so sorry that you have had to join us here but welcome to a place full of wonderful support _ for which I personally will be forever grateful.

You say you adore this man and cannot separate him from his horrible behavior? Not only has he cheated, lied and deceived you and made you feel like you were a lunatic but he has now told you that because you told the BH of his MOW he wants nothing to do with not only you but his baby daughter????? And you still adore this man?

The possibility of R is down to you not him. He needs to be remorseful before you can even think of it and he certainly doesn't sound like he is yet? From my experience my FWH was remorseful and begging my forgiveness from day one but from what I have read on here it is not always like that and some WH start off like yours and take a while to "get it" then some never do

Take care of you -eat,drink and sleep- and your baby for now, it is good your sister can help out. Also check out the library in the top left corner, loads of good advise and helpful info.

Take care and (((hugs))) to you

StillStanding1 posted 9/29/2013 13:53 PM


Please do take care of yourself first and then your precious little baby. You are worthy of so much better than this.

I know it is confusing and terrifying. Keep posting and get support from many wonderful people here on SI. Find someone in real life who you can lean on - who can help you out. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Many people are willing to help, but don't know when they are needed!

Stay hydrated, eat, and try to sleep. You will need lots of energy for the rollercoaster ahead. Try to steel yourself against the stupid things he will say and do for a while or possibly indefinitely. For some WSs, they "get it" right away. For some, it takes a long time. For others, they never will. You have no idea which category he will fall in (except not the first, obviously!). Don't try to fix him. I've tried for months and IT DOESN'T WORK! He needs to figure this out for himself and fix himself. No matter how much you want to do it for him or make him "get it", your efforts will be futile. Trust me, I know how hard it is to let go of trying to control the outcome. Reconciliation is a difficult, 2-way process. You absolutely cannot do it on your own, no matter how hard you try.

So, in the meantime, as hard as it is, try not to worry about where his head is at, and just concentrate on taking care of yourself and your sweet DD. It's the best therapy.

Wishing you the very best. I am so sorry for your pain. You WILL survive this! Don't ever give up. Your baby needs you now more than ever!

ToTrustAgain posted 9/29/2013 13:54 PM

Statistic -

First off, I am so sorry you are going through this horrible nightmare. Take deep breaths, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

My husband called me now saying I had a chance to stay with him but I ruined it by throwing him under the buss and forcing him to lose his job.

PLEASE believe me - you did NOT throw him under the bus. You did NOT "cause" him to lose his job. HE did this. HIS actions, HIS behavior, HIS cheating did this. He's trying to turn this all around on you, and he's using your love for him to make you feel guilty.

Get angry, Statistic! He's threatening you, twisting things around so they seem like your fault, and playing on your sympathies/devotion. He is also using your newborn daughter as leverage - how sick is that?

He should be groveling for your forgiveness, not threatening you. You have done nothing wrong here, please trust us on that.

I think you need to see a lawyer and get educated. Knowledge is power here. Seeing a lawyer does not necessarily mean you are heading toward divorce, but it will give you some confidence and peace to know your options.


hopingforhappy posted 9/29/2013 14:03 PM

statistic, I am so sorry that you are in such a horrible place. You need time to get yourself together. I hope you are able to continue to rely on your sister for help. If you have other friends or family you can call on, now is the time to do that. You need to go NC with your WH immediately. What he is saying to you is designed to manipulate you and cause you confusion. He knows how much you love him and he is using it against you. Stop taking his calls and reading his texts. He thinks you are weak--show him that you are strong, even if you have to fake it.

Right now, you just need to take care of yourself and your baby. Focus on that, not him (easier said than done, I know). You need to get a consult with a lawyer ASAP. Knowledge is power and you will feel much better when you know and understand your rights. You don't need to make any decisions, but you may shock your WH into reality by filing for D. You should certainly get temporary orders for child support, if he has left the house and threatened to abandon you and your child. Please document all of the things he says for your lawyer to see. Open a bank account in your name only and move half of your joint funds there. You are entitled to that money.

You did the right thing by telling the other BS. The consequences of your WH's actions are coming home to roost. That is a good thing. Either he will man up and deal with it or not. Watch his actions and you will know what to do.

Right now, take care or yourself and your beautiful baby. Hugs.

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 2:05 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Take2 posted 9/29/2013 14:09 PM

You love this man....? Cause any guy who can even think this is a royal asshole!!!

My husband called me now saying I had a chance to stay with him but I ruined it by throwing him under the buss and forcing him to lose his job. He said because of this, he wants nothing to do with my daughter and I and it is all my fault.

Whoever he was, or whoever you thought he was he isn't that guy now. You are dealing with someone else, someone who lies to his pregnant wife for months at a time and let's her feel she is going crazy.

You need to be someone else to, someone stronger, someone who is going to step up and protect your 3 month old.

Please read the about the 180, it will strengthen you. You can get through this and you will. You just need some time to adjust to the reality. Lean on your sister, take some rest with your baby. And never for a second believe that his horrific choices had anything to do with you. His choices put you here, his lies, his willful deceit and cheating. His decision forfeited his job. Don't buy into his bullshit and don't count on him to make it better for you.

Right now, this guy, obviously only cares about himself.

((((statistic & babe))))) Hang on, it won't always hurt this badly. It gets better. Hang in there.

mchercheur posted 9/29/2013 14:37 PM


I am so sorry that you find yourself here with us. None of us wanted to be here. I only wish I had found this site sooner, it has been a lifesaver.
All of us felt the same way as you do now---we just wanted our old lives back. But your WH has ended that life.

What is happening to him are consequences of his actions, not yours. It is good that OW BH knows.

Not only has your WH (& OW) stabbed you in the heart with a knife,

not only did WH tried to make you think that you were crazy during the past year ,when you tried to tell him that you feel the point of the blade on your chest ,& he told you that you were imagining things,

but now your WH is blaming the atomic destruction of his life on you, & using your baby as blackmail.

I hope you will sooner rather than later be able to see that he is despicable.

The only chance you have of R your marriage is to be willing to end it. Maybe he will come out of the Fog & "get it", & even then it will be a long road to healing, & maybe he wont, in which case you don't want him.

So , right now, you have to get as much help as you can, take care of yourself & your baby, get your ducks in a row to go on with your life, & see a lawyer. Please trust us , we are further down this road than you, that it will get better. Once day you will be writing this to someone who has just found out.
You do not deserve this. You are not the problem.
Sending you hugs & strength . You can do it.
We are all here for you. Come back here often.

Hope2B posted 9/29/2013 14:52 PM

I'm in the weaker position here because I adore this man and am having trouble separating this horrible behavior from the man I love.
Here are my thoughts. This love-the-person-hate-the-behavior is Psycho-Babble 101. The behavior and the man are so enmeshed that the horrible behavior IS part of who this man really is. You fell in love with a dream, with someone who put on a persona, a facade, for you.

My husband called me now saying I had a chance to stay with him but I ruined it by throwing him under the buss and forcing him to lose his job. He said because of this, he wants nothing to do with my daughter and I and it is all my fault.

This is emotional blackmail. He's trying to manipulate you and make you pay in emotional coin, holding things over your head in order for you to do what he wants, dangling the carrot and then telling you the repercussions are all your fault. Don't buy into this! He is playing you!

I cannot stand him being mad at me or thinking poorly of me.
Girl, buck up and find your spine--you can do this! He has already denigrated you with his behavior and his reactions. It's done.

How do you stay strong and get a backbone? You think of your child, and you pull strength from that love whenever you're feeling weak. You stand up for yourself, you behave with flat affect (no emotion, just simple declarative sentences), and you don't buy into his words and you Do. Not. Engage. with him. He is desperate and you have him on the ropes.

You have got to make decisions that are good for you and your baby, starting NOW. When (if) he starts making like he's Mr. Nicey Nice, don't believe him.

Sure, it's scary being a single mom with a babe, and it won't be easy. You have a sister, so you're not alone. To stay in a relationship with him would be worse because this man is showing you his true colors. Do you really WANT that kind of person around?

You will survive!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:54 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

topperoff22 posted 9/29/2013 16:14 PM

I am so sorry...Just stay strong. Buy the book After the Affair so you know what to expect of your emotions and don't be afraid to ask family fr help, as you are doing already. This is a trauma...a grieving process.That is exactly how you need to look at it. I'm so sorry. and I am two months out and today is a hard day...I don't want to live either. But there has to be something more to life than a lying, cheating man.....I keep telling myself anyhow,

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