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cantaccept posted 9/29/2013 11:05 AM

Trying to adjust to the facts.

I cannot R alone.

I am not sure what my next practical step should be.

Financially, I cannot support my home alone. He cannot either and I know that I cannot depend on him for help.

I have discovered that he owes years of back child support. If he wasn't responsible for his daughter he surely won't be responsible to me.

House value is maybe equal to mortgage. It is in my name only, not his, though we were married when we purchased.

I feel so broken. I have tried so hard. He just doesn't have it in him to repair the damage that he caused.

He wants to stay married and rugsweep. I actually thought about it, what it would be like, how I would feel.

I would feel like I sold myself cheap. Like a prostitute, sell myself for the easy road, the safe road.

I don't know if this makes any sense. My mind is just spinning, trying to get a handle on the reality.

I feel like I am in a deep dark bottomless pit.

Now, I honestly wish I had never met him. He has only caused me pain. The good that was is not worth the price that I paid.

Take2 posted 9/29/2013 20:45 PM

I totally understand, rugsweeping wasn't going to work for me either. Especially when it is your soul being swept under the carpet and stomped on...

Your next practical steps, might be to see an atty for a consult, and a realtor for a market valuation. Just get a feel for what might be workable.

Hopefully that stuck in a deep pit feeling goes away when you get some information and start making new plans for you - so that's another step you can take: make a bucket list - what do you want to do with your future?

tryingagain74 posted 9/29/2013 21:17 PM

It does help when you take steps to move forward, as scary as they might be. I can remember that feeling when I was briefly in limbo-- what was I going to do? What was best for the kids? Would I be able to go it alone?

Getting an appointment with an attorney and hashing out the details made me feel so much better. Take2 gave you the perfect advice-- just make the appointments and see where you stand. Doing something is better than doing nothing, which is what you've already realized: "He wants to stay married and rugsweep."

(((cantaccept)))

cantaccept posted 9/30/2013 04:46 AM

Having some control over the direction of my life actually feels pretty good this morning.

I know by noon I may be falling apart again, but I will appreciate this peace every moment that it presents itself.

D will be fairly simple. I had a practice run last November. Do it yourself, no kids together, house in my name with no equity. About $400.

Sell house, I hope or rent it if I must.

Live with sister for a bit to save and research move to Florida, have had it with the cold. My son is there and a good friend.

I am sad but I think I am grieving who I thought he was not who he really is.

Who he really is, showing me now is pretty shallow. Maybe some kind of personality disorder, not sure, but from what I have read many signs. With no desire to change there is no hope and I will not remain in this shallow life with him.

It is kind of exciting dreaming about the possibilities.

SBB posted 9/30/2013 06:12 AM

It is kind of exciting dreaming about the possibilities.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! These little cracks of sunlight get bigger and bigger the further down this road you get (and the further away from him).

I found it hard to shake his grubby tentacles off me whilst we were in the same house. So much easier having my own space. Oh, how I'd love my own City.

I'm so excited for you! Mourning will take time. I'm still mourning myself.

The upside is unlike an actual death you won't feel guilty about laughing/smiling/having a good time.

Gemini71 posted 9/30/2013 07:45 AM

I understand. The pain of the A is bad enough, add to it the wrenching decision to D, and the feeling of being uprooted by having to sell your home. Sometimes life just sucks.

Baby steps. Its such an emotionally overwhelming situation. Don't try to deal with all of it at once. Your doing so well by having a plan. Take care of yourself, it's easy to get lost in the logistics of these major life changes.

erzulie posted 9/30/2013 09:58 AM

I can totally relate to everything you said in this post.

I, too, have thought about rug-sweeping for financial reasons. What a moment of utter insanity that was. I doubt I've ever entertained thoughts that were more self-defeating.

I have felt the "I wish I never met him", stuff, too. I look at my boy doggie, and recognize that I never would have had a dog at all if not for my WH (I never had dogs before). So, even after all the devastation he's caused, I try to focus on that. In a way, I wound up with the greatest gift in my life. Turns out the love of my life has four legs, not two ...

You deserve better, cant. I deserve better. We all deserve better. The only chance we are ever going to have anything better for ourselves, is to let go of the things that we are certain are toxic.

I am telling you this, as much as I am telling myself ...

(((((hugs)))))