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Not Again!!!

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amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 11:49 AM

I'm not really new here. I was here 5 years ago after finding out my husband had been cheating on my for a long time. We divorced, and I moved on. I met the sweetest man 3 years ago, and we married this past June. We had both been cheated on by our spouses. I was certain that because he had been through what I had, that it would work. Now here I am again. Due to my previous marriage, I have serious trust issues. I snooped on his phone. I know that I shouldn't have. I'm not making excuses for my snooping. I know it's wrong. Yet when I looked on his phone he had a deleted voice mail from a "Jen" and facebook messages from her asking him to meet for a drink. His response was "sure" for last Friday. He came home at his normal time though. I know I was very quite and distant with him for the week, and he was very loving (which actually isn't unusual for him). So I check his phone again today and find a message to "Jen" again saying "I can't do it. I didn't mean to lead you on. I want my marriage to work. No lying. No cheating." She responds "OK. The 3 of us should meet for dinner and drinks." First - Seriously?!?! What kind of woman says that after trying to cheat with a married man? Did she want to meet me to laugh at me that she was trying to get my husband to cheat on me? Does she think she's funny? Am I that stupid?!?!
Second - Ok - it sounds like he didn't actually cheat. But when he said, "No lying" didn't he realize that he was already lying to me? Anything that you keep from you spouse is lying!!! I never in a million years thought I'd have to worry about this with him. Not after what he went through with his first wife. He knows how it hurts.
How am I back here yet again? What am I doing wrong? I didn't jump into a relationship. I was two years divorced before I started dating. We dated 3 years before we married. I think it must just be me. I have been working so hard on me, on being a good person, a good wife. I've lost 110 pounds in the past 9 months to be a better, healthier me. Not just for me, but for my husband. Because I want a long life with him. I know I need to confront him about what I found. I just don't know if I'm strong enough right now. I just want to curl into a ball and sleep ... forget what a mess my life is again!!!
Sorry for the rambling. Thanks for reading!!!

lostcovenants posted 9/29/2013 12:01 PM

I'm so sorry Amylou - I'm to new to offer any advice but wanted to acknowledge your pain ((((Amylou))))

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 12:02 PM

Thank you lostcovenants!

Broken1Again posted 9/29/2013 12:06 PM

Well, I kind of think this is good news. It's almost like setting up a test and he passed. Yes, he may have thought..."hmmm...she's cute, wife would never find out", but he told her no. This is such an important piece of advice/info right here...Remember it's not what you do when people are looking, it's what you do when no one is looking that speaks volumes about your character.

You weren't looking. He's not expecting you to find out about this "Jen" person, and he told her no. She was probably persisting and he said "No." MAN I would kill for my WS to tell one woman NO! He wouldn't know the word NO if the ugliest woman on the planet walked up to him and opened up her STD infested vagina and said "take me now". He'd say "OK".

I for one am proud of your WS. Maybe I'm stupid and don't know all the details, but I think this is a good thing.

ETA: No he shouldn't be texting her, but you don't know the entire background. She could have texted him out of a work necessity or something and somehow she swayed the conversation. Think about it. This dufus "Jen" is still wanting to be friends with him in the hopes of swaying him to her dark side. She's the chaser, and he's turned her down. "why don't the 3 of us get together??" Ummmm HELL NO is what I hope your spouse said. But he may have been more polite about it.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 12:10 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 12:15 PM

Broken1Again. Thank you! It helps to see it from someone else's perspective. All I could see it the lying. I am looking at it through the colored glasses from my ex-cheating spouse. He said no! I do need to remember that. I thank you for your response and I send you hugs for your journey!!

mchercheur posted 9/29/2013 12:33 PM


I am so sorry for your pain.
I also have been married twice & cheated on by both husbands, & have wondered if there is something wrong with me. I was told, maybe I am picking the wrong type, but with my present WH, I purposely picked someone who I was sure would never cheat. From the beginning of our relationship, he always presented himself as such an ethical person with such strong morals. As a child, he had watched what his mother's cheating had done to his father. I knew how important our family & 4 kids were to him. And yet, when a pretty young coworker "threw herself on him" during a very stressful time in our marriage, he went for it.

I hear you, that your husband is not being transparent about this OW has crossed the line for sure, but agree with Broken1Again:

It's almost like setting up a test and he passed

The # 1 thing I have learned in the past 2+ years is that communication is the most important thing. I think you need to confront your H & tell him that you know, & how you feel about it.
I am getting the feeling that you are embarassed to admit that you were snooping. Your trust issues need to come out in the open. He will have to be 100% transparent from now on.

Skan posted 9/29/2013 12:39 PM

However, this doesn't mean that you should not talk to him about this. This talk could actually be a very bonding agent for the two of you and a significant step forward. My FWH still has issues like this, where his mind will say "but she'll never know," he'll consider whatever it is, and then come tell me. And I praise him and acknowledge that he's done a good thing.

For what it's worth, in my situation, I would probably ask to talk to him at a specific time. I'd say, I took a look at your phone (and I do not consider spouses looking at each other's phones, computers, etc, snooping) and I saw a message from Jen. Would you please tell me about it? And then I'd actively listen to what he had to say. Hopefully he would be open and transparent about what happened, that he had thought about going for a drink but didn't, and had some sort of realization that this was crossing the line. And I would affirm that good choice. And then have a discussion about Jen, about the dangers of the "just friends" situations, and about hiding or not being open when these types of situations came up.

This has worked quite powerfully between FWH and I. The more open he is as to what his mindset is, what temptations there are, and who fully he communicates that to me so that we can act as a team, the closer we draw together. Of course, I do the same to him and help to model the behavior, if you will.

(((hugs))) I hope that this turns out to be a learning situation for the two of you that can draw you closer.

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 12:43 PM

I can't remember my old username unfortunately. I had to reregister to get back on. Sorry:-(
Mchercheur - you are absolutely correct. I am completely embarrassed that I snooped. And I'm afraid to confront him. I know I need to. I'm afraid of what he'll say I guess. It's almost like admitting that I snooped shows how broken I am. And yet on the flip side - I really thought he already knew I was broken.
Like you I purposefully looked at his past with how cheating affected him because I was sure he wouldn't because of it.
I am so sorry for your pain as well! Thank you for responding! Every message helps!!!

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 12:45 PM

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 12:45 PM

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 12:45 PM

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 12:45 PM

Thank you Skan! Your response makes perfect sense. And thank you for sharing something that works for you and your FWH! Do you find you still have trust issues? Does that ever go away?

cissi posted 9/29/2013 12:53 PM

I doubt this is the case but keep your eyes open. There is always a chance that he knew you saw the message, or suspected because of your behavior lately, and the email he sent to her was a ruse. I doubt this is happening, but I just think it would be wise to stay on alert. Maybe not even confront him just yet.

I'm always such a downer!

[This message edited by cissi at 12:53 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 13:05 PM

It's ok to be a "downer" as you called it. I appreciate any and all advice/comments cissi!

amylou224 posted 9/29/2013 13:05 PM

It's ok to be a "downer" as you called it. I appreciate any and all advice/comments cissi!

anewday78 posted 9/29/2013 17:51 PM

I agree with other posters here - your husband ultimately did the decent, moral thing by rejecting her advances. I think you should open up the ones of communication with him now. Something really positive can come out of it. I think that along with acknowledging that the secret correspondence between him and Jen was dishonest by virtue of its clandestine nature, your snooping/mistrust can arguably be construed the same way. The important thing to note is that he did the right thing and that, moving forward, honesty, openness, and transparency is essential.

Broken1Again posted 9/29/2013 18:37 PM

Thank you for the hugs and well wishes! :)

I wanted to also add to my post here, that yes, I do think you should mention that you know about the messages, and maybe even tell him that you are proud of the way he handled it. (Don't accuse because you don't want him to feel on the defensive if there is nothing to be defensive about). Then sit and listen to what he says about it. Also let him know you aren't comfortable with a "friendship" (without saying HELLO NO!)

Also, it's ok to be a bit on alert watching your back regarding this woman. I don't think her intentions are good (obviously)so be proud of the way your spouse has handled it, but be aware of things if this woman persists. Keep all lines of communication open without making your spouse feel like he's on trial and hasn't done anything.

mchercheur posted 9/29/2013 18:51 PM

The important thing is for you and your husband to be a team, with a wall around you, looking out the window @ this woman Jen.

cissi posted 9/30/2013 11:30 AM

I'm going to be even more negative. Everyone keeps saying your husband did the right thing. I don't see it that way. His message to her said something like, "I didn't mean to lead you on." Okay. Clearly, at the minimum, his boundaries are not in check. He had to have some behavior to get to that point and that would be my worry. There should have never even been a follow-up response like the one he gave her. My concern would be, what happened to get to the point of that message to her?

If he can get to that point, he is not being faithful in his marriage. The fact that he pulled back when it got more involved is nothing to praise him for, in my opinion.

[This message edited by cissi at 11:32 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

NJdadof4 posted 9/30/2013 12:52 PM

It's possible that there is nothing to the invitation from a colleague to have a drink that should cause any alarm, but after having some time to think about it, he decided he'd rather be safe than sorry and cancelled before anything could start. I am a newly BS; I don't know your spouse or behaviors of his that could be worrisome, but follow your instincts. Your gut often knows better than your head or your heart. This could have been something that escalated, and he didn't want it to; it could have been something innocent he didn't want to have to explain. In any event, he said "no".

[This message edited by NJdadof4 at 12:26 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

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