You weren't looking. He's not expecting you to find out about this "Jen" person, and he told her no. She was probably persisting and he said "No." MAN I would kill for my WS to tell one woman NO! He wouldn't know the word NO if the ugliest woman on the planet walked up to him and opened up her STD infested vagina and said "take me now". He'd say "OK".
I for one am proud of your WS. Maybe I'm stupid and don't know all the details, but I think this is a good thing.
ETA: No he shouldn't be texting her, but you don't know the entire background. She could have texted him out of a work necessity or something and somehow she swayed the conversation. Think about it. This dufus "Jen" is still wanting to be friends with him in the hopes of swaying him to her dark side. She's the chaser, and he's turned her down. "why don't the 3 of us get together??" Ummmm HELL NO is what I hope your spouse said. But he may have been more polite about it.
[This message edited by Broken1Again at 12:10 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]
I am so sorry for your pain.
I also have been married twice & cheated on by both husbands, & have wondered if there is something wrong with me. I was told, maybe I am picking the wrong type, but with my present WH, I purposely picked someone who I was sure would never cheat. From the beginning of our relationship, he always presented himself as such an ethical person with such strong morals. As a child, he had watched what his mother's cheating had done to his father. I knew how important our family & 4 kids were to him. And yet, when a pretty young coworker "threw herself on him" during a very stressful time in our marriage, he went for it.
I hear you, that your husband is not being transparent about this OW has crossed the line for sure, but agree with Broken1Again:
It's almost like setting up a test and he passed
The # 1 thing I have learned in the past 2+ years is that communication is the most important thing. I think you need to confront your H & tell him that you know, & how you feel about it.
I am getting the feeling that you are embarassed to admit that you were snooping. Your trust issues need to come out in the open. He will have to be 100% transparent from now on.
For what it's worth, in my situation, I would probably ask to talk to him at a specific time. I'd say, I took a look at your phone (and I do not consider spouses looking at each other's phones, computers, etc, snooping) and I saw a message from Jen. Would you please tell me about it? And then I'd actively listen to what he had to say. Hopefully he would be open and transparent about what happened, that he had thought about going for a drink but didn't, and had some sort of realization that this was crossing the line. And I would affirm that good choice. And then have a discussion about Jen, about the dangers of the "just friends" situations, and about hiding or not being open when these types of situations came up.
This has worked quite powerfully between FWH and I. The more open he is as to what his mindset is, what temptations there are, and who fully he communicates that to me so that we can act as a team, the closer we draw together. Of course, I do the same to him and help to model the behavior, if you will.
(((hugs))) I hope that this turns out to be a learning situation for the two of you that can draw you closer.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm always such a downer!
[This message edited by cissi at 12:53 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]
I wanted to also add to my post here, that yes, I do think you should mention that you know about the messages, and maybe even tell him that you are proud of the way he handled it. (Don't accuse because you don't want him to feel on the defensive if there is nothing to be defensive about). Then sit and listen to what he says about it. Also let him know you aren't comfortable with a "friendship" (without saying HELLO NO!)
Also, it's ok to be a bit on alert watching your back regarding this woman. I don't think her intentions are good (obviously)so be proud of the way your spouse has handled it, but be aware of things if this woman persists. Keep all lines of communication open without making your spouse feel like he's on trial and hasn't done anything.
If he can get to that point, he is not being faithful in his marriage. The fact that he pulled back when it got more involved is nothing to praise him for, in my opinion.
[This message edited by cissi at 11:32 AM, September 30th (Monday)]
[This message edited by NJdadof4 at 12:26 PM, December 9th (Monday)]
Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43