SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

sadtoo posted 9/29/2013 12:06 PM

When I was married to my lying, cheating X, looking at any of his "things" was off limits. Should have been a sign.

But now I am remarried. I think nothing of removing my husbands wallet while he sleeps and grabbing his bank card to make a late night online purchase if my purse is downstairs. And I would have no fear of him waking up and "catching me" either.

I get on his phone and he gets on mine. I use his computer and he uses mine. We have an open door policy around here.

Do I snoop? Not really any more. But you can bet I used to go through all of his things with a fine toothed comb. It's just nice to know he doesn't flip out if I do.

So maybe I've answered my own question. WS's who are hiding things will make their BS feel bad about the snooping. Where a faithful spouse who has nothing to hide isn't bothered.

Thoughts?

Marathonwaseasy posted 9/29/2013 12:11 PM

Until dday and long before A my FWH was very private about his stuff. Not that he had anything to hide but that he didn't trust anyone including me. Boundary issues all over the place. Now he realises it's his only way to get R that he wants he tells me everything. It's weird but I believe it will continue.
I felt really bad about the accidental snooping I did that let to the discovery because I respected his privacy. Balls to that. Transparency is the only way and I will tell my kids that before they get married.

SeeThingsNow1 posted 9/29/2013 12:54 PM

i dont feel bad if i "snoop". I didnt before and got taken advantage of...so its on him, not me if I look...he can look at mine anytime, no worries and he shouldnt have any worries now either, so far so good : )

uncertainone posted 9/29/2013 12:58 PM

Where a faithful spouse who has nothing to hide isn't bothered.

I have nothing to hide. I'd be very bothered if my SO/husband "snooped". Distrust is as lethal in a relationship as blind trust is.

The environment you describe is very healthy. Going through your new husbands shit with a fine tooth comb...not at all. If you feel the need you're either with the wrong guy or you ain't ready.

My thoughts.

sadtoo posted 9/29/2013 13:13 PM

Going through your new husbands shit with a fine tooth comb...not at all. If you feel the need you're either with the wrong guy or you ain't ready.

This was 10 years ago when I first met him before we were married. I was checking him out.

uncertainone posted 9/29/2013 13:14 PM

Same response.

sadtoo posted 9/29/2013 13:23 PM

Thought provoking....

Hmmmm...
Yes, 10 years ago when we first met, I was still very raw and no where near ready. And probably paranoid. So I was probably snooping more because of XH than because of anything brought on my new H.

Today, I don't "snoop" because there are no doubts and no nagging feelings. But I could if I needed to. (if that makes sense.)

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]

StillGoing posted 9/29/2013 13:44 PM

I used to feel bad because I felt like I was invading her privacy.

I don't feel bad anymore because if it's too private for me to poke around in then there's something wrong.

As much of it had to do with my feelings on it as it had to do with her unwillingness to share parts of her life. I felt like I didn't have the right to intrude into a personal space she defined as off limits, though I really wanted to see into it because, well, I didn't have an off limits space. So if I started to 'snoop' I felt guilty.

I don't snoop anymore, I go through her shit if I feel the urge. She has no problem with it now. We've reached a similar place you and your H are at.

rachelc posted 9/29/2013 16:36 PM

The only thing that bothers me about snooping, which I hardly ever do, is that it takes my time and it's a little bit re-injuring for the BS..,,
I'll never blindly trust again, and distrust, oh yeah, it's there. But I don't seem to care as much... We have good times together, have four kids we'll watch grow up more, he makes a shit ton of money and is good in bed. He probably won't stab me in the back anymore. Not sure I'm gonna waste my time on trust anymore or not... Or snooping to see if I can find out just a bit sooner if he's cheating. Hardly seems worth it.

Jennifer99 posted 9/29/2013 16:58 PM

I do not feel bad about any snooping I do. But I don't snoop that much. I have ceased to care enough to snoopy or to feel bad for whatever I do to feel better.

MystiKay posted 9/29/2013 19:10 PM

I don't feel bad about it anymore. I just back then felt, like some things were private. I didn't really see anything wrong if he have guy friends and talked about their wives. That was just what guys did. I didn't even thing about EA's and porn and thing kinds of things they talked about. So It never occurred to me to look. I didn't put him on a pedestal. I just thought, because I didn't think about that those things, he didn't either.

RidingHealingRd posted 9/30/2013 02:03 AM

Snooping? I never feel bad about doing this and can't understand why any BS would feel bad. We had a cheating spouse that is reason enough.

If a WS is bothered by snooping then I would tend to believe they are hiding something.

standinghere posted 9/30/2013 04:10 AM

Where a faithful spouse who has nothing to hide isn't bothered.

Exactly. My life, mail, phone, etc have always been an open book to my spouse. She didn't believe it, but then she had been hiding a lot. She was taken aback to discover that here wasn't anything more to find out in MC.

tushnurse posted 9/30/2013 08:23 AM

BS's don't be afraid to snoop, or feel bad about it. If you are attempting R, you deserve to know what is going on. The need to snoop does go away, as you both heal, and get to a new happy. I snooped, daily, and multiple times a day early on, and as time went on, it became less, and then when he really got it, and I saw the changes in him happen, then the need to snoop completely went away.

Now the funny thing is he is so transparent it cracks me up. He had to get a new phone a couple weeks ago, his died, and he changed the type of phone he had. I saw it in his truck when I was moving it in the driveway, and I picked it up to mess with it, to see if I wanted the same thing, when I can change mine in a few months, and he has it password protected, we both do have to for work, we tell each other what they are when we have to change them every 90 days.
I was messing with it, guessing the password when he came out, and I said oh hey I was just looking at this, and he said ya, it's pretty cool, oh and I have a different passcode for this one it's ...I laughed and shook my head. He would have NEVER volunteered that info, or been so whatever about me messing with his phone during his A. Hell he guarded it with his life.

So once again it just shows that with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Those that do, well you better brush up on your detective skills.

cissie posted 9/30/2013 09:08 AM

I have always been inquisitive. I notice things. I like to know what the weather is going to be each day.
My BH, on the other hand is not at all inquisitive about daily life things, only his work.
That, amongst other things, I did not understand, and took it as a lack of interest in US.
He has no interest in snooping on me. It would be beneath him.

He now has shut me out from him. I have no access to any of his electronic devices, gadgets, passwords or codes of any sort.

I do worry, that I will be in a very bad position if anything happens to him, as I have no access to anything of financial import except for one joint account.

I have a strong temptation to snoop, but I don't.

Ostrich80 posted 9/30/2013 09:50 AM

I want to grab my ws phone because I know answers are in it but I also know he would flip out. We actually got into a wresting match over his phone before DD1 and he threw it at me. On the other hand, he's been snooping thru mine . I have nothing in mine that I wouldn't want seen but I just find it amusing that he's so private but has no problem looking thru my car, my mail, or my phone. I did feel weird when I put a VAR in his truck, I felt sneaky because I wouldn't like it but then again, I'm not cheating.

TrustGone posted 9/30/2013 10:31 AM

I still snoop, but after two WH's, I think I have that right. I sat up my husband with an e-mail account a few weeks ago and he inquired when I wouldn't move while he put in his password. I said that if he wanted to use it then there should be no reason I shouldn't know it. I told him that if he has nothing to hide then why hide a password. I have not went in but once to check if he had mail and I would read it if I did if I thought I needed to. I hate checking up on people, I always have, but now it is something that I have to do for my own sanity. After 3 DDay's he had better not question what I want to see or he can hit the door.

sodamnlost posted 9/30/2013 10:57 AM

If a WS is bothered by snooping then I would tend to believe they are hiding something.

Yup. A marriage requires trust. If a spouse, for whatever reason, needs extra reassurance, I say go for it. If you do it enough times and find nothing - it gets boring and calms your nerves. As a fWW from my first marriage - in a healthy relationship - I would never expect privacy. I gave up that right when I went wayward. If I ever think I have that right again - I'd better do some serious soul searching. Cocky doesn't look good on anyone - it *REALLY* doesn't look good on someone who has had "issues" in the past. A recovering alcoholic will more likely than not end up drinking again if they get cocky in their sobriety. Why would waywards be any different?

soverybetrayed posted 9/30/2013 12:50 PM

My ex and I always had each other's passwords and I never felt the need to look. We shared the home PC and we used each other's laptops when we needed them. Of course he is super tech savvy so he could hide pics that I had no clue about.

I discovered his cheating simply by accessing an old email account that I had the password for. I never expected cheating but rather thought I would find an email to some guy friend that explained why he was being so nasty to me. I wanted to know what I had done to upset him so much. Even after I discovered his cheating emails I still didn't "snoop". It wasn't until he started hiding his checkbook and keeping his phone on him at all times that I knew there was more to the story. That was when I went into full on detective mode. The things I found out at that point were beyond gross and I never felt guilty for finding out about his past/current fetishes. I had a right to know what he was doing behind my back and with who. My "snooping" allowed me to catch him with "it" and end the marriage and the pain.

My ex worked on all of our computers so he could look at anything of mine at any time. I had nothing to hide.

thisisterrible posted 9/30/2013 13:00 PM

Before my STBXH started his A, he never hid anything from me. As soon as he got home from work, his cell phone went on the kitchen counter and sat there until he went to work the next morning. His wallet was always in the dresser drawer, etc.

Then I happened to notice that the phone wasn't being left on the counter anymore. Yep - that's when I checked the cell phone bill and saw the thousands of texts to OW.

If I do get into another relationship, I'm going to snoop; I know I will. Not because I want to, but because I know that's the only way I'll be able to be feel peaceful...hopefully that will change, but who knows. Fool me once...