But now I am remarried. I think nothing of removing my husbands wallet while he sleeps and grabbing his bank card to make a late night online purchase if my purse is downstairs. And I would have no fear of him waking up and "catching me" either.
I get on his phone and he gets on mine. I use his computer and he uses mine. We have an open door policy around here.
Do I snoop? Not really any more. But you can bet I used to go through all of his things with a fine toothed comb. It's just nice to know he doesn't flip out if I do.
So maybe I've answered my own question. WS's who are hiding things will make their BS feel bad about the snooping. Where a faithful spouse who has nothing to hide isn't bothered.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Where a faithful spouse who has nothing to hide isn't bothered.
I have nothing to hide. I'd be very bothered if my SO/husband "snooped". Distrust is as lethal in a relationship as blind trust is.
The environment you describe is very healthy. Going through your new husbands shit with a fine tooth comb...not at all. If you feel the need you're either with the wrong guy or you ain't ready.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Going through your new husbands shit with a fine tooth comb...not at all. If you feel the need you're either with the wrong guy or you ain't ready.
This was 10 years ago when I first met him before we were married. I was checking him out.
Yes, 10 years ago when we first met, I was still very raw and no where near ready. And probably paranoid. So I was probably snooping more because of XH than because of anything brought on my new H.
Today, I don't "snoop" because there are no doubts and no nagging feelings. But I could if I needed to. (if that makes sense.)
[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]
I don't feel bad anymore because if it's too private for me to poke around in then there's something wrong.
As much of it had to do with my feelings on it as it had to do with her unwillingness to share parts of her life. I felt like I didn't have the right to intrude into a personal space she defined as off limits, though I really wanted to see into it because, well, I didn't have an off limits space. So if I started to 'snoop' I felt guilty.
I don't snoop anymore, I go through her shit if I feel the urge. She has no problem with it now. We've reached a similar place you and your H are at.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
If a WS is bothered by snooping then I would tend to believe they are hiding something.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Where a faithful spouse who has nothing to hide isn't bothered.
Exactly. My life, mail, phone, etc have always been an open book to my spouse. She didn't believe it, but then she had been hiding a lot. She was taken aback to discover that here wasn't anything more to find out in MC.
Now the funny thing is he is so transparent it cracks me up. He had to get a new phone a couple weeks ago, his died, and he changed the type of phone he had. I saw it in his truck when I was moving it in the driveway, and I picked it up to mess with it, to see if I wanted the same thing, when I can change mine in a few months, and he has it password protected, we both do have to for work, we tell each other what they are when we have to change them every 90 days.
I was messing with it, guessing the password when he came out, and I said oh hey I was just looking at this, and he said ya, it's pretty cool, oh and I have a different passcode for this one it's ...I laughed and shook my head. He would have NEVER volunteered that info, or been so whatever about me messing with his phone during his A. Hell he guarded it with his life.
So once again it just shows that with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Those that do, well you better brush up on your detective skills.
He now has shut me out from him. I have no access to any of his electronic devices, gadgets, passwords or codes of any sort.
I do worry, that I will be in a very bad position if anything happens to him, as I have no access to anything of financial import except for one joint account.
I have a strong temptation to snoop, but I don't.
Yup. A marriage requires trust. If a spouse, for whatever reason, needs extra reassurance, I say go for it. If you do it enough times and find nothing - it gets boring and calms your nerves. As a fWW from my first marriage - in a healthy relationship - I would never expect privacy. I gave up that right when I went wayward. If I ever think I have that right again - I'd better do some serious soul searching. Cocky doesn't look good on anyone - it *REALLY* doesn't look good on someone who has had "issues" in the past. A recovering alcoholic will more likely than not end up drinking again if they get cocky in their sobriety. Why would waywards be any different?
I discovered his cheating simply by accessing an old email account that I had the password for. I never expected cheating but rather thought I would find an email to some guy friend that explained why he was being so nasty to me. I wanted to know what I had done to upset him so much. Even after I discovered his cheating emails I still didn't "snoop". It wasn't until he started hiding his checkbook and keeping his phone on him at all times that I knew there was more to the story. That was when I went into full on detective mode. The things I found out at that point were beyond gross and I never felt guilty for finding out about his past/current fetishes. I had a right to know what he was doing behind my back and with who. My "snooping" allowed me to catch him with "it" and end the marriage and the pain.
My ex worked on all of our computers so he could look at anything of mine at any time. I had nothing to hide.
Then I happened to notice that the phone wasn't being left on the counter anymore. Yep - that's when I checked the cell phone bill and saw the thousands of texts to OW.
If I do get into another relationship, I'm going to snoop; I know I will. Not because I want to, but because I know that's the only way I'll be able to be feel peaceful...hopefully that will change, but who knows. Fool me once...