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Even small things can be triggers

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want2seelight posted 9/29/2013 13:21 PM

I just wanted to share this thought of mine. The actual affair details apart like the hotel rooms, dates or clothes whatsoever are the usual triggers I was surprised to see how even little things totally unrelated can act as triggers.

The other day I was just cleaning and arranging some books and I realized that one of the books was not kept properly so its cover got folded. I straightened it out and looked at it from a distance ... it seemed allright ... good as new but when you hold it close You realize that the crease of the fold is still there and that will never go away.

I just sat and cried for sometime. Its just like putting back a vase and knowing the cracks will always be there and the vase is not what it used to be.
My question is for those who have reconciled successfully, How do you even get over the fact that the innocence, the blind trust Your whole old marriage is gone? I know everyone will tell me that it is a 'new normal' and a new marriage.... but still? I just feel the stain is too heavy on my otherwise clean book and it will always hurt me to see it. I mean we are left to deal with a mess we never created. Whether or not we stay with WS getting over something like this will take years. Every time I cry I just shout in my head at WS for making me cry . I do not deserve this. The kids deserve their mother at her very best. I desevred to spend the coming years and past days normally but now I am being punished.
The mental anguish is so unbearable that it almost hurts like physical pain.
I mean even if we do work, I'll never be able to get over the fact that another woman had WS body and there will now be a elephant in the room. The sacred moments of a husband and wife have been violated. and I don't even want to talk about the wedding band. I have already seen a whole thread going on about it.
Thank god it never happened in my home otherwise it would have added a whole new dimension. I really feel awful for those where the OW ACTUALLY slept in the marital bed.
I don't know how can anyone bring themselves to do this.

eager for comments.

StillGoing posted 9/29/2013 14:00 PM

When it's on the mind and freshly hurting, everything seems to tie into the affair. You're right, small things can be big triggers.

As for your question about the loss of innocence, VD2012 wrote an excellent post about Santa. Sounds silly until you read it, very interesting post.

Loss of innocence is a natural part of life. We grow up and learn and that knowledge and wisdom replaces the innocence we carried before. In some cases, like discovering that Santa is really your parents, that's a natural process of disillusionment that you go through. In other cases that loss of innocence is through a trauma. Rather than discover its your parents that are leaving presents, you discover your parents are video capturing your hysterical crying disappointment and laughing at you as you stare into an empty XBOX 360 package because they thought it would be funny to do that to you. In both cases you become disillusioned, but the pain of the betrayal mars that process and can get in the way of taking away the knowledge and wisdom that comes with it.

Your whole marriage isn't gone; the illusion that someone you loved and trusted would never hurt *you* is gone. It's painful but it heals.

Sorry you are hurting. Good luck.

wifehad5 posted 9/30/2013 05:58 AM

Eventually the triggers fade, and go from painful to annoying to nothing. It takes time, but it does happen

WeHadItAll posted 9/30/2013 08:09 AM

Oh, those triggers. They can be anything, they can be nothing (literally nothing, as in the absence of something). Wifehad5 is right, though. They do fade in number and power over time.

StillGoing made an important point. Your illusions have been shattered, not your entire life. I think the thing that helped me get over that first hurdle of the shock of losing my 'perfect life' was the realization that we were now completely honest and open with each other in ways we never were before. We talked for hours on end, sometimes in tears, sometimes not, but we TALKED, deeply and about things that we'd avoided for so long.

It was so hard. Therapy was vital for us. We faced our own selves, which I feel like is HALF of the R process. We are still learning, still stumbling sometimes, but moving forward mostly.

Of course you didn't deserve this pain. I know it feels like it will never end. It will take a lot of time and work to heal it. I still feel it sometimes, nearly as painful as the original hurt, but I'm down to about once a month instead of daily. It takes so much effort to push away that pain.

But you also made a good point: whether or not you stay together, you will have to deal with this. You will have to find a way to feel joy again. You will have to learn to trust so that you can feel safety in closeness, not danger. So much of this journey depends on you and how you meet this terrible challenge. Be strong! Hugs to you.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/30/2013 09:45 AM

I understand and feel your pain. Sometimes i simply can not believe that this is my life now. I didnt choose this, i didnt ask for this, my kids didnt choose this. It was forced upon me/us all. The ripple effects seem never ending.

Its amazing the things that trigger us, isnt it?? Something completely unrelated throws you into a tailspin. That happens to me often. But, as others have said, it does lessen with time. They become more manageable as you begin to process and wrap your head around this new reality.

Like you i often ask how WH could bring himself to do this. To me. To us. To our kids. To our family. to our friends. I have asked him that question countless times......but no matter what he says, there is never an answer that will justify it. There is never an answer/reason/excuse that makes me go "ohhh, yeah, i get it. alrighty then!" Its just simply inconceivable.

I found a quote in my pinterest searches for inspiration (and the occasional dinner) LOL!
"What defines us is how well we rise after falling"

We have fallen, both my WH and I....he may have fallen differently, harder, farther, darker....but we have both fallen along the path that led us to this place. Now, it is about rising...changing the things within us that we didnt like and in our marriage. Rebuilding each of us individually and as an end result, rebuilding and replacing with something new and better and stronger.

It took me many, MANY months to work thru my feelings and decide that I had it in me to commit to R. Face your feelings head on. Take some time, lots of time, to really work thru your feelings, decide what you want for YOU, what YOU need, what you DESERVE out of your marriage/spouse. Settle for nothing less. Work on getting yourself strong. It takes time...way more time than any of us wants it to. But you are worth it. We all are.

hugs to you!

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