Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Please contact me at your earliest....
debbysbaby
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Frustrated  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...convenience.

This was the email I got today a little while after xpoopsmear drove up from where he lives to have lunch with the kids...and break the news that he and OW/wife are divorcing.

When they came home and told me, I had not known that was going on, but I am not surprised.

Back up 2.5 months. We went to court for child support arrears in mid July. He underpaid me for years. He was supposed to pay a percentage of his income. He lied about income and diverted income to his wife (through the business he created and then made her owner of). I had proof of all this and it did not go well for him in court. I got a $19K judgement against him. He got lucky as a judge let some of the income he earned slide, but whatever...I still won. So he was MAD. He sent me a "no-contact-ever-or-I-will-get-restraining-order" text. Sure. Fine. Whatever. So I have been no contact...until he called ME two weeks ago telling me he lost his $90K a year job. I did not engage any with him. I think he was telling me this to prepare me for the fact that he might not pay his CS. Ugh. ANYway. Fast forward to today.

After the lunch where he told the kids about the divorce, he sent me that one-line email all business-like polite, "Please contact me at your earliest convenience".

Here is my dilemma. I can predict what will happen. He has been given 3 months from Aug 24th to pay the 19K (he ain't gonna have it). It is due by the 3rd week of November. He probably wants to give me a sob story about his situation or will guilt me by pointing out that he will go to jail and won't be ABLE to work so therefore I won't be getting CS if I don't work with him. He's probably going to ask me to accept payments from him His lawyer tried to get him to be able to pay over 3 years but the judge was so disgusted with him he said "hell no", So poopsmear will try to appeal to me directly. I don't want to give him the chance. The other topic is likely about him moving across country for a job (based on what the kids came home saying). The kids are 15, 17 and the oldest is an adult so not subject to any court order. We already do not have set visitation...it was written in July to be when the kids wanted to come. He lives almost 2 hours away so it winds up being a couple weekends a month, but sometimes they have plans and it is less. So, there really isn't much to work out even if he does move. If they want to visit, they can go if he buys them airfare. My guess is he wants to try to back me into a corner with his verbal manipulation concerning the $19K. I see this as the bigger topic. I am not concerned with the move crap.

So, I don't want to call him. I'd like to stick to email. Any suggestions in how to deal with this? Any suggestions on how to word things when he suggests I accept payments on the $19K (I have no desire to accommodate that...he screwed me over for YEARS and I have no desire to wait additional years to get that money)?


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 887 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking....*crickets*...


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
LadyQ
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bitch. I probably wouldn't contact him. You aren't getting the money anyway, so his whining won't change anything, right?


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
twinkie
29203
Member # 29203
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm, it did say at your earliest convenience. I'm thinking that it should be sometime toward the end of November before it would be convenient if it was me. But I'm a bitch like that!

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Louisiana
debbysbaby
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will eventually start blowing up my phone if I don't contact him. I thought about replying by email to say:

What issues need discussing? I'd prefer we do that via email.
Thanks,
debbysbaby


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 887 | Registered: Aug 2011
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id be inclined to tell him his "no contact" order goes both ways.

Do not engage. You've already said you have no desire to hear his sob story, so stick to your guns! Don't let him Hoover you into feeling sorry for his broke-ass.

If he's newly divorced on top of it, time to put your shields up! FTG!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would respond by email. Just "what do you need?"

Eta and when he asks, I would simply respond, "that will not work for me. Please refer to the decree."

Ignore all other contact (attempted calls, further email, etc.)

[This message edited by Amazonia at 4:49 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13934 | Registered: Jul 2011
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would respond that this is a one time response due to his do not contact threat, and whatever he needs to discuss can be sent to you via snail mail...

But that is just the bitch in me...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1316 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Junebug0525
♀ 29142
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd ask him what it pertains to, and if it's anything other than the kids/child support, ignore it. If it does involve the child support, tell him it needs to go through your lawyer. Do you have one?


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he married the OW, jerked you around lying about his income, cheated on his CS, then got a break from the judge on what he owed, is divorcing OW, and lost his job, and is moving out of state, and you feel this is any of your business or problem... why?

Do you honestly for 1 sec. believe that if you were to cut him a break in CS, that he would hold up his end of the deal (from out of state).

Now, I don't know this for sure, but if I was a judge who saw through his bs and demanded he pay the child support, and I found out you told him he could do otherwise against my decree (and he had the email to prove it)... I wouldn't be too pleased with you during the next court hearing either...

my 2 cents


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4171 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
PhoenixRisen
35912
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you text him your lawyers phone #?

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jun 2012
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ genius~!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4171 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
peridot
♀ 18334
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm, it did say at your earliest convenience. I'm thinking that it should be sometime toward the end of November before it would be convenient if it was me. But I'm a bitch like that!

This

I'd ask him what it pertains to, and if it's anything other than the kids/child support, ignore it. If it does involve the child support, tell him it needs to go through your lawyer.

Probably this though, then crickets. If it's the CS, tell him to read the latest court order.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
debbysbaby
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I did think I would say "what do you need to discuss?" Because I don't want to ask him what he needs or if he needs anything because that would imply that I might actually be willing to help him. Not!

I believe that I will open the door for him to tell me what ever it is via email and maybe that way he will be reluctant to ask me for these favors knowing it will be in writing. It was lots of emails that got him in lots of trouble in court. If he brings up that money and tries to make me feel like he is unable to pay it, I'm going to tell him that is something he's going to have to discuss with someone else who might have help for him because we have already traveled that road and I'm going to expect the court order be followed.

Our oldest daughter aged out of child support but she is a college student. I paid all of this semester's tuition out of pocket for her and he contributed not a dime. He was giving her gas money every week to help her commute to school the next town over four days week but now he's telling her he can't do that anymore "because I took him to court and won and now he has less money." That is such bullshit because his child-support actually went down substantially due to one child dropping off the equation and he's paid none of the arrears so that's just horseshit designed try to make me look bad and make me look like the cause of him not helping his child.

FTG

I may run any replies by you fine people because I want my responses to be as minimal as possible. I want to make sure I am crickets on anything that doesn't need to be followed up on and only address the pertinent points.

I also have no desire nor plans to allow him to make payments on that money. He had that option back in the months it was due. I called this consequences. I don't feel like saving him from them.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 887 | Registered: Aug 2011
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets. At best "Please direct all queries to my lawyer."

If he were a reasonable sack of shit I would lean towards trying to sort it out with him.

But he is not. He is a CS dodger, a liar, a cheat and an unreasonable POS. You KNOW how this song goes. Skip past the mind-fuckery and go straight to the formalities.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

Don't be nuts. Crickets.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5735 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Abbondad
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second (or third, fourth...) the motion of "crickets," with a close runner-up of "contact my attorney."

I agree: asking him any question (e.g., "what do you need, what is this about, etc.") will just open that door to the BS.

I have taken to heart (and try my best to sustain) from SI the mantra, "When in doubt, crickets."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1696 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dagny07
♀ 16928
Member # 16928
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sent me a "no-contact-ever-or-I-will-get-restraining-order" text.

I suggest you honor this demand.


Me:BW Him: FWH E/A
M: 29 years, together 36 : both guilty of PAs 20+ years ago
CDay#1 Oct 06 (false); DDay#2 Oct 07 (truth from OW's BH)
R: Tenaciously optimistic

Posts: 838 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Midwest
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would call my lawyer first, let them know what is going on and the new information, and the fact that now he wants to 'talk'.

While most think crickets is what is best, the problem is that this will directly effect you now and in the future....putting your head in the sand and ignoring him will not help the situation.

On the one hand, some money is better then no money...On the other hand, the court ordered it to be PIF by a date - not sure how well that will be taken if a few months down the way you get made and go after the rest.

Bottom line though is that he is an adult, he made all his own choices here. You have no obligation whatsoever to help him out in any situation.

Personally, if you are not hurtting for the cash, then whatever, go crickets and let him deal with the huge ass Karma bus that ironically he's driving himself, run right the fuck over him.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1833 | Registered: Sep 2012
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

putting your head in the sand and ignoring him will not help the situation.

Negotiating with a liar and someone who has proven to be a CS fraudster won't help the situation either. Just sayin'.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5735 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Negotiating with a liar and someone who has proven to be a CS fraudster won't help the situation either. Just sayin'.

I never said it would, my advice was to go to the lawyer and see what they say, and that following the court orders was best....but we are not in Debby's position.

What if she needs the money, even if it is in payments? What if that way is just easier then to fight about it in a court.

Going just crickets and just letting it just work itself out is probably not the best solution since it deals with payment and stuff like that.

I agree that going right to him is a horrible idea, but not dealing with it at all is also not the best solution.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1833 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.