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SabbyKat posted 9/29/2013 16:04 PM

Why do some of you torture yourself non stop with the details.You have dates posted everything.I Just want to forget this and move on.Not relive anniversary over and over

JustWow posted 9/29/2013 16:12 PM

I don't know if I would have had such a great interest in the details, if I hadn't been fed a boatload of lies.

I would think about the story I was told, go back and ask questions and get another load of half truths and half lies.

The more I was lied to, the more I analyzed, dug, cross-examined, etc.

Is it healthy? None of this is healthy.

Burying it alive isn't healthy and mining for pain isn't healthy. There is a wide spectrum to operate between those, and a wide range of BS and WS responses to all of this.

I guess somewhere aong the journey, I had the notion I could only forgive what I knew had occurred. And the notion that I wanted there to be NO secrets between my H and the troll. And how do we address and heal what we don't know about?

Lots of different responses....can't tell you if it was the best path, but it was mine. Seven years out I'm doing pretty well, an so is our M.

Do what you need to really heal. What you bury alive stays alive..... so don't stuff it prematurely. You will know if you are at peace or running from the truth. You will know.

nomistakeaboutit posted 9/29/2013 16:17 PM

For me, it's more to provide perspective for people reading my posts here on SI. It lets them know that I am divorced, how long I've been divorced, how long after DDay I got divorced, that I have kids, etc.

I'm not too focused on actual dates. I discovered my xWW's affair on Christmas Day, but I'm not going to be thinking about that on Christmas. I'll be celebrating with my children.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/29/2013 16:20 PM

I think I kind of get where you are coming from.

I never got details, X did a runner and continues to lie and minimise.

Initially I listed my D-day and other 'stats'. This was to enable others an insight into where I was at in the timeline/process so that it might help in advice given. It was also to remind me of the day that changed my life, an acknowledgement of the severity of the damage inflicted (much like remembering notable war dates if you will).

I recently removed the stats. They are no longer as relevant to me and I am determined to not be defined by one arsehole's atrocities against me. That being said I will never forget what happened and when.

StillGoing posted 9/29/2013 16:23 PM

I wanted details so I could understand the reality I was living in. I understand that doesn't work for others.

Are you asking if this is the same as wallowing in pain? While I am sure that some people do that, I think the majority of them simply don't know how to proceed.

Some folks post dates, labels, etc because it's just easier than retelling it. It's a way to connect with others in the same circumstances.

brokengrandma52 posted 9/29/2013 16:27 PM

Great answer....I think the lies keep us from healing sooner then we do.

Missymomma posted 9/29/2013 16:33 PM

I wanted to know what happened but didn't get into some of the specific details that others I know did. Mainly that was from working with an IC that specializes in trauma and she warned me against getting too specific, as that would stick in my head. I never looked up the prostitutes my SAWH used because it was irrelevant to me. However, I know many spouses that wanted to know, that needed to know. That was for their healing and each of us need different things. It is o.k. that you don't want to know, o.k. that some want to know everything and o.k. that some of us fall in between.

Hope you are doing all right, the trauma of infidelity can really do a number on us.

TarnishedSilver posted 9/29/2013 16:51 PM

How long has it been for you since dday?

Flatlined123 posted 9/29/2013 16:58 PM

You know, I didn't have nearly as many questions after I found out the first time. When I realized the affair continued and I had been lied to more, I felt I need every detail to know what I was forgiving and there were no more secrets between them. It all needed to come out in the light.

Do I know every tiny detail? No, I don't think I ever will. The big thing is that H will answer honestly, without trying to protect himself, any questions I do have. That in itself tends to limit my questions.

So I don't feel I'm torturing myself, I feel like I can only forgive what I know.

Dare2Trust posted 9/29/2013 17:03 PM


Since your D-Day (disclosure day of the affair of your SO) was only a few days ago...and You believe the OW is pregnant:
I doubt very seriously if your will be able to simply "forget this..move on...and not relieve the anniversary over and over."

You may have A BABY/CHILD to be a constant reminder; if you choose to remain in this marriage/relationship.

SI Members will be here to offer kindness and support; if you CHOOSE to remain and post.

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.

AML04 posted 9/29/2013 17:07 PM

I needed details to try to process it and to understand the depth if the betrayal. I asked my H to answer the questions I asked as honestly as possible but not to elaborate. Are there some things I wish I didn't know that hurt me a great deal? I guess it depends on the day.

My signature is so other people get a small picture of my story. Eventually I'll edit it depending on our progress.

mixedintherut posted 9/29/2013 18:13 PM

I am not big on dates. I don't even remember the date of when we got engadged. However, all of the significant dates have kind of just "stuck" without even trying to remember them. I remember the date and details from my very first DDay in 2009, like it was yesterday, and yet I can't remember when my daughter started crawling/walking. The amount of trauma that comes with it, certain things stick and certain things don't.

My hope is that at some point those dates will no longer be a trigger, because I will be moved on with or without WH.

Everyone reacts differently to affairs, and everyone has their own coping skills.

Pippy posted 9/29/2013 18:21 PM

duplicate sorry

[This message edited by Pippy at 7:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Pippy posted 9/29/2013 18:21 PM

duplicate sorry

[This message edited by Pippy at 7:00 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Pippy posted 9/29/2013 18:24 PM

I truly believe the spoken (or typed) word is one of the best ways to deal with the pain and stress. Each time I "got it out", I was one step closer to healing and peace.

Thank God I came here and found all the sympathetic ears. You NEED to converse with others, hear their stories and tell yours, in order to heal.

There is no quick way through this.

5674emt posted 9/29/2013 18:31 PM

For me it has been like going to the Dr. for the diagnosis. Once I found out the details and how far the illness had progressed, I could work on the appropriate treatment plan. SI has been an invaluable group of therapists too.

Sad in AZ posted 9/29/2013 18:44 PM

For me, it's just reference.

Do what's best for you, and continue to post and ask questions. It's an on-going process.

sad12008 posted 9/29/2013 18:58 PM

You ask:

Why do some of you torture yourself non stop with the details.You have dates posted everything.I Just want to forget this and move on.Not relive anniversary over and over

Simple. First, in regard to details: I wanted to know what reality was. I knew the lie version; I wanted to know the truth so that I could put that part of my life to bed.

Second, ignoring something, pretending it didn't happen doesn't mean it didn't. In addition, it is clearly human nature to note anniversaries of traumatic events; look at 9/11. I just passed the first anniversary of my mom's death, forgetting the date didn't seem like a likely scenario. What I know from experience, relative to trauma, is that over time the antiversaries become less of a focal point for pain. They still get a nod of recognition, but nowhere near the amount of attention they started out garnering.

Trying to move on from a traumatic emotional wound to me is like trying to move on from a traumatic physical wound without irrigating it thoroughly and checking for foreign bodies. Yeah, there are indeed people who manage to heal and move on without the proper medical treatment; however, the percentages are much higher for those who can follow the appropriate treatment protocol.

Just my two bits. I like to know facts.

Thessalian posted 9/29/2013 22:41 PM

I would think about the story I was told, go back and ask questions and get another load of half truths and half lies.

The more I was lied to, the more I analyzed, dug, cross-examined, etc.


I started out not needing any more than the broad strokes. But then more stuff came out into the open, and I suddenly needed to dig more. That process repeated itself until I was scratching for every detail. Every time more lies surfaced, my need to know got deeper. Maybe that's because I started to wonder about absolutely everything.

If WH had just been honest from the beginning, if he'd given me the full truth without trying to protect himself, I wouldn't have felt the need to dig.

mchercheur posted 9/29/2013 23:07 PM

I tend to be a little OC. In general I tend to dissect everything. I really want to understand everything, down to the last minute detail.
My username means "searcher" in French.
I wanted to know every detail because I need to in order to understand exactly what happened. It took a long time to get all the details, & I still will never be 100% sure I know the whole story.

The other problem is that WH, & his mother ( who from the first moment blamed me for WH's A, made excuses for him , & enabled him) both
tried to tell me that "it was no big deal" & just "get over it." Maybe the details are so important to me to prove that it wasn't just "a little blip in a long marriage."
To me it was most definitely the biggest trauma that has ever happened to me ( & I lost my mom to cancer when I was a teenager, & my first husband cheated on me after a 10 yr marriage/but there were no kids.) This was much much worse.

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