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thecosmogirl posted 9/29/2013 16:13 PM

It saddens me to my very core to post in this forum
I've never even read anything over here because it did not apply to my situation.
Situations change.
My life, what a shamble. What a joke. What a lie.
He tells me I spin the posts that I have made on this site to make me look better. Ha ha, yeah because that's what I'm trying to do.
I didn't want to be here. I didn't want my husband to be a lying, cheating sack of scum either. We don't always get what we want.
I thought I was giving him chances. He says all I've done is blocked. I don't listen. I get angry. I yell. And then I don't listen. He says I don't give him a chance to tell me everything.
I say, he should've told me the 356764346753 times I asked because this last time has pushed me over the edge and I'm not looking for a rope.
Yep, it's my fault because I won't live like this anymore.
If only I was a more reasonable person.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/29/2013 16:24 PM

Many (most?) of us didn't want to be here either. Unfortunately it is, at times, the healthiest thing to do in order to save yourself.

Welcome, sorry you had to join us but there are fantastic people here who provide great advice.

PurpleRose posted 9/29/2013 16:25 PM

Blameshifting 101. Been there, lived through that.

I'm sorry you are here. We all understand. What have you decided to do?

thecosmogirl posted 9/29/2013 16:41 PM

Thanks :)
Yeah it's not fun but I'm sure glad there is a place like this.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
I hate where I live. Always have and have always said the only thing keeping me here was my wonderful husband and my undying love for him (pardon me while I puke). Just today he told me to leave because of that very statement above. Since he is no longer keeping me here and I have nothing else, I should just go. I was keeping myself very steeled but that still stung.
I'm sure I spun that.

He wants to talk. I don't anymore.
But, I'm not leaving here. I have no friends within 700 miles or so. But, maybe I will find some.

HurtsButImOK posted 9/29/2013 16:47 PM

Yep, pretty much anytime an unremorseful WS opens their mouth it stings.

Do the 180, focus on you and working out what you want. You don't have to make any decisions until you are ready to.

tesla posted 9/29/2013 21:33 PM


kernel posted 9/29/2013 21:51 PM

Just because he says it doesn't make it true. I get wanting to move away and start over. It's so very tempting. If I didn't have a great job I would have done so right after the divorce. I'm still thinking about relocating in a year or two.

Give yourself some time to figure out what you want to do, and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Keep posting here - lots of us have been through this particular shit show.

SBB posted 9/30/2013 05:17 AM

In the end it was all my fault too. I wasn't 'invested' enough in R and he had a huge issue with the fact that I didn't believe him. The fact that I didn't believe this cheating liar meant that I did not love him. If I loved him I would trust him.

That didn't work out so well for me before DD - it was not going to fly after DD. Only an idiot would expect that that model was ever going to work - especially only a mere 3m into R (5m after DD).

I loved him for far longer than I believed or trusted him. That is pretty messed up - its my shit I need to deal with.

I posted the Final S email exchange a little while ago. I find it shocking to read now with my rose-coloured glasses ground into dust. At the time I was so full of self-doubt. Now his complete lack of remorse sticks out like dogs balls. Its so obvious I could scream!

Despite the pretty words he spun it is clear that NONE of this are the actions of someone with True Remorse.

The events immediately after S confirmed I was right to not believe a single word out of his mouth.

Please know you're not alone. Most, if not all, False R's fall over in much the same fashion. My own False R only lasted 3m. That was the sum total of his "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes". I can laugh now but it hurt like a motherfucker in the early days.

Interestingly it took me several months after S to admit to myself that this was in fact just a dealbreaker. Had he continued to feign remorse I have no doubt I would still be in False R today. I would still be rugsweeping furiously and gaslighting the fuck out of myself.

In the end his patent lack of remorse was a gift. Had he not forced my hand I'd be subjecting myself to months, probably years more of False R. All the while denying that not only was the betrayal a dealbreaker but that he and I as individuals were simply just not built for R even if he did have True Remorse and even if it wasn't a dealbreaker for me.

I used to read the Wayward forum a lot in the early days. There are some great examples of Remorseful Waywards who were and still are a great inspiration to me - people owning their shit, carrying their own water and doing the work on themselves and their M the healthy way.

I knew that if the sad clown posted his drivel over there they would call him on his bullshit immediately and tear him a new one.

Wayward or Betrayed and everything in between I believe there is a point on this journey where we need to shine to torch on ourselves too. For the shit we put up with, for our toxic coping mechanisms. We all have them. Some of us just happen to not have cheating on our list of toxic coping mechanisms. There are many other death blows to marriages but cheating seems to be the quickest, most painful get of jail free card going.

I know you're confused and hurting. I'm wincing at the memory of that hideous time. I felt I would die of heartbreak - I really did. Here I am over a year out from S and 18m out from DD and my life is fuller, richer, happier and more complete than I could ever have imagined. I am actually having the life I pretended to have during my M. I'm wildly alive.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:25 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

thecosmogirl posted 9/30/2013 09:18 AM

He did a lot of talking yesterday. A tiny bit of it sounded nice. But as I stared into his eyes I just kept going back to the other times he looked me straight in the eyes and was so sincere while he was lying. Even after i begged him.....even after i told him we could lose the business...he lied....He did come clean later but did he really?? I think that's my biggest struggle right now.
Our MC says I need to journal my thoughts. I keep meaning to but haven't wrote down a thing yet.
I'm going to start that today and see where I am.

Thank you all again

Smokehouse posted 10/1/2013 18:04 PM

Hi Cosmogirl. I just posted in this forum yesterday myself. I have read a lot of your posts in the other forums. Very honest, emotional posts. A lot of how I actually feel.

My WW has become very moody of late, lashing out at me for no reason. I can only go by the other posts I have read and the experience it has given me. Definitely my wife is either still carrying on the affair, still has feelings for OM, is mad the affair broke up, or, she is no longer in love with me.

I believe I am finally coming to the realization my marriage has played itself out. Not sure we can survive. I want to, I'm trying, she is not. Your husband sounds like my WW. Some remorse, but not enough to do the hard work. I know I haven't gotten the entire story as well. I hope your husband wakes up and realizes what exactly he is about to lose. Mine I'm afraid, doesn't care.

Good luck Cosmogirl!

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