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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: Really wish I had someone to talk to, I hurt so badly
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spoke with wh.

He admits he does not want to face what he has done.

He says that expressing remorse or an apology is not worth the risk.

We are speaking honestly about divorce. We are going to speak about current finances tomorrow.

I asked him if he just did not love me enough to do the work, to take the risk.

He said he does not know.

If he can't face himself I know we will never get past this.

He said his pride holds him back.

His pride??? I have to fight my pride everyday to not run from him. I love him enough to fight through it, to push down that pride. To be vulnerable, to ask for what I need. To expose my heart by letting him move back, I risked, didn't know if it would be worth it.

He says he wants to be happy. He can move on and shelve the feelings.

He will carry this forever. He may not look at it, but it will affect him, he may not know what that pain is, why he is feeling so lonely, why he is never content, but it will be in him forever. Unless there is just something fundamentally wrong.

You cannot hurt the person you claim to love and not have a burning desire to right it.

He either just doesn't love me or he is damaged.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1594 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure that I am in a place to offer advice at this point, still being close to my own D day.
But I do want to encourage you to share your concerns and emotions here if you feel comfortable.
I too felt I had no one to talk with. No one else knew, and my WH was my best friend. Trying to get through "normal" life while this is going on is nigh on impossible- even more so without having any one to share with. I began to doubt my own feelings, and blame myself. (I am much better now...at least for today :)
What I will say is, be strong and carry on for YOU. You did not bring this on yourself, he did. You are in great need of some comfort and support. I urge you to find it somewhere soon- do not give up on YOURSELF, yet. My advice (for what its worth, because, again, Im a newbie)- focus on you. Do what you need to do and let him fend for himself for a bit.
I wish I had more to offer- This has been a salvation for me, being on this site. Read as much as you can, share if you want, or don't. But do it for YOU, not for him.
You are so worth it, even if he is too blind to see that.
My strongest hope is for you to work towards healing.
Be kind to you.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
15 years
DD- 14 and DS- 13
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
SpiderGrl
♀ 40157
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Cant))))))))

I would be shattered in your shoes. Although, I would also be somewhat split personality-wise. If he doesn't want to put in the effort, eff him. You DESERVE to be cherished and there will, one day, be someone that sees your beautiful, loving heart they will know what to do with it. You will look back on your M and know you did EVERYTHING you could to keep it together but you can't and shouldn't have to do it alone. Go out and find you some bitch boots and when he says something stupid again, put them on and walk all over him. You deserve more. You are beautiful and worthyof true love. Best wishes!!!


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been reading your posts lately and I just want to reach through the computer and grab your WH by the shoulders and shake him. And hug you if you'd accept it.

We WSs can only heal on our own initiative, IMO. Healing, changing, has been scary as hell for me, and I'm so sad to hear that your WH is letting that fear deter him.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
floridaredman
♂ 15122
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loving someone means putting your pride aside and taking the shame and embarrassment that goes along with the consequences for your actions.

It is a coward's way out not to face the damage you have caused and not work to right it.
If someone does this, they love themselves more than they can love anyone else.
This also borders on narcissism and borderline personality disorder. You cannot fault yourself for something your partner refuses to fix or acknowledge. All you can do is muster the strength to drive forward.
Realize that you are allowed to hurt too. Realize that you need comfort and assurance too.
That is part of what marriage is about. You don't have that right now so do what is best for you to endure and move forward.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 8:07 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(20WrongsVs1) thanks for posting this to cantaccept...it speaks volumes and is comforting.

(((cantaccept)))

A large part of my IC focus over the past year was facing MYSELF. My counselor was absolutely firm on the singular fact that I must find the courage to see and recognize as much of myself as I can....realizing it is a life long process.

I was shocked on how hidden some of my parts were....the hidden parts were NOT nice to look at....and I wanted to do what your husband is choosing to do....rug sweep and pretend they don't affect me.

My journey has told me before I can connect in healthy ways to my wife, love my wife in healthy ways....I must first connect with and love myself.

You and I share such a similar personal journey. Our stories with our spouses was initially similar as well. I am so very sorry to hear about his admitting he sees what he needs to address, but is actively choosing to back away from this action.

IC would be very beneficial to him....I could not have done what I have done without my counselor.

By him rugsweeping he is cheating himself out of the opportunity to connect and love himself which, in turn, cheats you out of the opportunity to R in the healthy way we all need to do.

Many times I wish I could see both hurting spouses post on here...I just don't know where your husband is at. It does appear for him, right now, the pain of change is greater then the pain of same.

One reason could be he just has not allowed himself to feel the pain of same...meaning rugsweeping to a large degree....because I know he sees the pain he has caused in you....he must be doing some pretty serious compartmentalizing.

What is his background? Suspect serious abuse....but don't know.

I shouldn't comment any more.

It is peculiar that he apparently is aware of what he is doing, how hurtful it is, but refuses to do anything about it.

...not worth the risk. is his statement.....have you asked him what he feels he is risking by expressing remorse or offering an apology?

I am praying his heart opens, and that he finds the courage to face himself...it can happen.

I pray for peace for you....you must be exhausted...you are fighting a good fight....you are doing well. Right now the results are not what you had hoped for....try to float for a bit....you are too close to your emotions and too tired to sign formal papers....give yourself a breather of sorts.

God be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
StillStanding1
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, (((((cantaccept)))))

Once again, we are very much on the same page of this playbook. So often, I read my own dilemnas in your posts.

My WH is a master compartmentalizer. I know he would also rather take the easy route to shallow happiness and not have to mess with any deep introspection. I keep trying to do it for him. My IC/MC keeps telling me to let go of outcomes. (basically 180) She sees all the hard work I am doing on myself. I am trying to fix WH and my DD too. I really have to let go and realize I can't.

I wish I had profound words of wisdom for you. I feel your pain. Every day I wish for the pain to end. I can read the same in your posts.

All I can do is offer a sympathetic ear and a compassionate wish for your strength and well-being. Wish I could give you a real hug.

You so deserve a H who cherishes you and respects you and loves you for all that you are. I pray that you can find a road to healing.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 746 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much, you have all been such a source of strength and clarity.

I have learned over the last year, finally, about his past, at least the bits he would share.

This has been his life pattern. Things get tough he runs, he uses alcohol or in the past it was drugs. Push it away and start over with someone new. Then he can pretend to be someone new for a little while, not face himself, his true self and do the work to change his life.

I am ok. Last night, I was considering the steps I need to make to get to where I want to be.

First will be file for d. I don't want this but I will not stay in this marriage. I want the "real" thing or nothing. It is more painful to stay than to go. I cannot change him, he has to desire that. I will not be just the safe choice, that is what I am to him, or so he thought. I am just not the same woman he left. Now I am much stronger and more appreciative of myself and the life I deserve.

Second, I am going to try to sell house. Too expensive for me alone. Also, I hate the cold. I want to move to Florida, I have friends there and a son. I love the west coast on the Gulf.

This is doable, will take some planning, it's a risk, but I think I have some experience now with risking the uncertain!

I feel sad, but I feel resolve.

This is my only life and I will not waste the rest of it feeling like I have never done what I wanted, never been loved because I settled.
If nothing else I will know I tried, faced it and put in the effort to have a life that means something to me.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1594 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cantaccept)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your pain. ((((cantaccept))))


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
StillStanding1
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your never ending pain, but glad you are starting to plan a happy future based on your own desires. That's a step in a good direction.

Peace and love to you!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 746 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Topic Posts: 11

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