Another bad night. I have been feeling the underlying anger for the last three days and it blew up last night.
My BH get aggravated by little things I do that really have no signifigance and really are nothing as he says. He says he hates me right now and I am a f'ckn c**t. Screamed it me last night. And I know its true My affair is that.
At the same time he's telling me he wants it to stop get better but won't read a book, won't learn about affairs and won't go to mc or ic . Why should he he hasn't done anything wrong and he was perfect in the marriage.
He totally depressed and angry. It was horrible. I stayed strong as long as I could, and finally fell apart. Had to even go buy cigerettes. Haven't smoked for almost three weeks. So now that too added to his feeling. He's pushed me far enough that I broke down. And he hates me crying and he hates that I worked so hard to quit and it was him coming down on me that caused me to need one.
Me I thought I deserved everything he said , I smoked because I needed something and I don't want to drink and that has been on my mind.
But what can I do about him not helping himself.
He believes he can just changed it. He hasn't done anything wrong at anytime.
There is no ppoint to mc cause what they going to fix. And yes the counselor we did go wasn't very tactful. He tried to explain that the marriage and the affair are separate. And the marriage needs to be looked at separate from the affair that maybe it can be built and tregnthed, and find out where the down falls are. And of he course the only thing my BS heard was its your fault.
I don't know I am so scared. I love my H and I believe in us. A year ago, I was questioning me being alive even. Its so fckn sad that I had to do this again. That I had to screw his life up too. Like I told him I wished for us to be able to awaken from this nightmare I made and just smile.
Sorry so long , Its never ending:-(
As a BS I hate to say this but you can only do so much. The rest is up to your BS. He needs to work on healing himself, you cant do that for him no matter how "good" you are.
I haven't been in the situation but I think that the hell you face as a remorseful WS is unimaginable, being stuck in that feeling of having caused it but not able to fix it. Hell beyond belief. I am sorry that I really don't have anything constructive to say but if it counts at all, thank you for showing that people can make horrific choices and want to do what is right. Don't lose sight of that, it means a lot.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
I can definitely relate. My BS is stuck in anger/depression and has been for a while. He usually expresses his anger respectfully and hasn't raised his voice or called me names since the first weeks after d-day. Still it's hard to see.
I think the only thing we can do is keep working on ourselves and be supportive. I ask him what he's thinking about when I see he's angry and I make sure he understands that I am ok to hear whatever he's feeling. A lot of the times he won't tell me what he's dealing with because he thinks it will be harmful to my healing but I try to encourage him to talk and I still offer sincere apologies when I feel it will be helpful.
That said I think as a WS you are still allowed to have conditions for R at some point. Part of your healing is learning and maintaining healthy boundaries and I'm pretty sure name calling and screaming would cross those. R requires that both spouses do the hard work. You will have to decide for yourself if you believe he will get to a place to start working on his healing and healing the M. You also have to decide how long you will wait or if you can be happy with things as they are.
You have to work on your healing no matter what he does and you have to do it for you.
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
If we are 50% at fault for our marital problems them we are 50% responsible for fixing our marital issues. You as WS can only do so much. If you are doing everything right with TT providing info as requested, answering questions and making amends then you are doing your part. It is up to us as BS to figure out what we need from you and state our needs clearly and concisely and to work at bettering ourselves and to do the work to get past the anger and betrayal we feel. That time line is different for everyone and unfortunately some BS can not move past it.
Encourage your BS to write down his anger or to even write letters to you about his feelings. He doesn't have to give them to you, he can write them and shred them. The purpose of the exercise is to get the feelings and the anger out and make your feelings known. Once you shred them you are saying that those feelings are over and done with for now. My IC suggested this as well as my Alanon sponsor and I have found it very cathartic, he may find it is as well.
Good luck, may you find some peace on you path.
I believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. We learn and we move forward. The reason may not be known to you for a long time but it will eventually become known!
[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 11:47 PM, September 30th (Monday)]