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Newest Member: SuddenShock (61120)

User Topic: what to do
♀ 39146
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About BS not doing anything to help himself than himself telling him he has to get over it and he can't be mean or treat me bad.

Another bad night. I have been feeling the underlying anger for the last three days and it blew up last night.
My BH get aggravated by little things I do that really have no signifigance and really are nothing as he says. He says he hates me right now and I am a f'ckn c**t. Screamed it me last night. And I know its true My affair is that.
At the same time he's telling me he wants it to stop get better but won't read a book, won't learn about affairs and won't go to mc or ic . Why should he he hasn't done anything wrong and he was perfect in the marriage.

He totally depressed and angry. It was horrible. I stayed strong as long as I could, and finally fell apart. Had to even go buy cigerettes. Haven't smoked for almost three weeks. So now that too added to his feeling. He's pushed me far enough that I broke down. And he hates me crying and he hates that I worked so hard to quit and it was him coming down on me that caused me to need one.
Me I thought I deserved everything he said , I smoked because I needed something and I don't want to drink and that has been on my mind.
But what can I do about him not helping himself.
He believes he can just changed it. He hasn't done anything wrong at anytime.
There is no ppoint to mc cause what they going to fix. And yes the counselor we did go wasn't very tactful. He tried to explain that the marriage and the affair are separate. And the marriage needs to be looked at separate from the affair that maybe it can be built and tregnthed, and find out where the down falls are. And of he course the only thing my BS heard was its your fault.

I don't know I am so scared. I love my H and I believe in us. A year ago, I was questioning me being alive even. Its so fckn sad that I had to do this again. That I had to screw his life up too. Like I told him I wished for us to be able to awaken from this nightmare I made and just smile.

Sorry so long , Its never ending:-(

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6

Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright, let me admit that I am very biased..........I find the WS' that post here inspirational. Not that you are fixed but that you are trying to work on yourselves. Kudos.

As a BS I hate to say this but you can only do so much. The rest is up to your BS. He needs to work on healing himself, you cant do that for him no matter how "good" you are.

I haven't been in the situation but I think that the hell you face as a remorseful WS is unimaginable, being stuck in that feeling of having caused it but not able to fix it. Hell beyond belief. I am sorry that I really don't have anything constructive to say but if it counts at all, thank you for showing that people can make horrific choices and want to do what is right. Don't lose sight of that, it means a lot.

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can definitely relate. My BS is stuck in anger/depression and has been for a while. He usually expresses his anger respectfully and hasn't raised his voice or called me names since the first weeks after d-day. Still it's hard to see.

I think the only thing we can do is keep working on ourselves and be supportive. I ask him what he's thinking about when I see he's angry and I make sure he understands that I am ok to hear whatever he's feeling. A lot of the times he won't tell me what he's dealing with because he thinks it will be harmful to my healing but I try to encourage him to talk and I still offer sincere apologies when I feel it will be helpful.

That said I think as a WS you are still allowed to have conditions for R at some point. Part of your healing is learning and maintaining healthy boundaries and I'm pretty sure name calling and screaming would cross those. R requires that both spouses do the hard work. You will have to decide for yourself if you believe he will get to a place to start working on his healing and healing the M. You also have to decide how long you will wait or if you can be happy with things as they are.

You have to work on your healing no matter what he does and you have to do it for you.

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1814 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe as a BS we are 50% responsible for the problems in our marriage. Not one of us is perfect in our marriage so please don't try and wear that as a WS. My WH chose to have an EA and that is 100% on him, but after much self reflection and journaling I have realized that we were having problems and we were not talking about them. I shut down and became lost in myself my WH made a wrong choice and choose an A instead of coming to me with his concerns.

If we are 50% at fault for our marital problems them we are 50% responsible for fixing our marital issues. You as WS can only do so much. If you are doing everything right with TT providing info as requested, answering questions and making amends then you are doing your part. It is up to us as BS to figure out what we need from you and state our needs clearly and concisely and to work at bettering ourselves and to do the work to get past the anger and betrayal we feel. That time line is different for everyone and unfortunately some BS can not move past it.

Encourage your BS to write down his anger or to even write letters to you about his feelings. He doesn't have to give them to you, he can write them and shred them. The purpose of the exercise is to get the feelings and the anger out and make your feelings known. Once you shred them you are saying that those feelings are over and done with for now. My IC suggested this as well as my Alanon sponsor and I have found it very cathartic, he may find it is as well.

Good luck, may you find some peace on you path.

I believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason, even the bad stuff. We learn and we move forward. The reason may not be known to you for a long time but it will eventually become known!

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 11:47 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 39146
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank youagain for all your thoughts. I know we all have our days and its expected for many years to come. I just wonder so many things . I guess aperson really needs to live hour by hour, day by day and keep walking.
Some days easier said than done.

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6

Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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