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BS, what is your part in R?

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iwillNOT posted 9/29/2013 17:54 PM

I read a lot about the WS and what they need to be doing for R to be genuine. That side of things is pretty clear to me.

As a BS, what do try to do as " your part"?

I am still in such shock right now, but am slowly approaching the idea of R. What does this aspect look like for you? What goals or standards are you holding yourself to or working towards? How do you juggle the vulnerability of putting yourself out there for someone who has hurt you so?

Thank you so much for helping me explore this.

Missymomma posted 9/29/2013 18:19 PM

As early as you are from your last DDay, the only thing he should expect is that you are there! As our MC put it, the first year is all about the BS evaluating to see if the marriage is worth saving based upon the WH's behavior. It was to learn to set boundaries and not play his mother anymore. To not take on responsibility for any of his choices and learn to take care of ME.

At this point, we can begin to work on our biggest issue between us (communication) and work on moving forward. Vulnerability and forgiveness come in time but should not be rushed. Acceptance came before either one of those things, for me.

iwillNOT posted 9/29/2013 19:22 PM

Missymomma, I do feel at this point that just being here is all I can manage. I just feel like I am fielding hits all the time, Or seeking comfort, with the triggers and everything else. I suppose that when/if I begin to be capable of more, I will know. I am curious about what it looks like for other BS's, I really appreciate you sharing.

phoenixrivers posted 9/29/2013 19:57 PM

Hi iwillNOT,

First, I am not a BS. I was in a committed relationship in which my girlfriend strayed. I am attempting recovery now and I must say I am having a very difficult time with forgiveness.

At first I thought I would be satisfied with an admission of guilt and a request for forgiveness. I got those things but am still obsessing over the betrayal(s), the deceit and duplicity.

I struggle almost everyday with the triggers, the audacity and the ugliness with which I was treated. I am not ready to give up being the victim. My DDay was 7/20/13, so I suspect I'm early in process.

My gf had moved in with me again, but left and we are no longer cohabiting. She was under the impression that I was healed or would be by January of next year (2014). I am not ready as of today to move on and give up my anger or hurting.

So to try to answer your question as to what's my part as a BS: to stop being the vicitm, give up the anger, live in the moment and let the past go as quickly as I can.

Unfortunately for me, easier said than done. I wish you greater success than I'm having.


heforgotme posted 9/29/2013 20:05 PM

This came from an article in the Healing Library:

Here is a list of things that you must do:

Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
Be open with your feelings.
Ask the questions that are important to you.
Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.

All good ideas, but I also agree that in the beginning your job is just to survive. Take care of yourself and just manage as best you can.

iwillNOT posted 9/29/2013 20:23 PM

Phoenixrivers, your input is very welcome, as a betrayed person. BS or BBF. Thank you. I hope we can both find a way back to some kind of peace, someday.

Heforgotme, thank you for the article excerpt. I did read through the healing library but it is a lot of info at once. I will look up/ read through that article again.

RedRose posted 9/29/2013 20:38 PM

As a BS, I am trying to be more open with my feelings and triggers. I also am working on some of the problems we had during the A-not things that I think caused the A, but contributed to us both being unhappy. I am trying to show that I appreciate him, and am really listening to him rather than competing with him. I am also focusing on me - trying to be happy with myself, making myself stronger and more independent.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/30/2013 11:05 AM

As a BS, i have several things i feel are my part in R. It took me many months to fully commit to R. I did not rush in and i really soul searched to see if it was something i was capable of.

First off, owning the things in me that i am not happy with and want like to change. I will NEVER EVER blame myself for my WH choice to have an A...and i will never EVER believe that there was anything so wrong with me or our marriage that it justified an A. But i do know there were things about me/our marriage that i was unhappy with. So i am working hard in MC/IC to recognize and change them. Getting strong for ME, recognizing what I need, setting standards for myself and not compromising what i need are huge for me. Examples of those things include being less of a people pleaser and thinking more about my needs. Thinking less about what other people want and going along with things that i dont agree with just to make other people happy. Standing my ground and accepting that it is OK to have my needs met sometimes. Accepting that boundaries i put into place are there for my sense of safety and security...and not allowing anyone to cross them because it might hurt their feelings or make them mad. I guess i am standing up for myself more!!

I am working on my communication skills...not just with WH but with everyone around me, my kids, etc. That has helped me tremendously in my personal healing as well as in R.

How do you juggle the vulnerability of putting yourself out there for someone who has hurt you so?

The million dollar question. I struggle with this daily. it is very difficult. But It has become easier over time. I am not 100% there yet....but...with continued communication, transparency and honesty from my WH, working together, and a true change in my WH, i am making teeny tiny baby steps forward. I think, for me personally, this is one of the most difficult parts of R. After such an epic betrayal, regaining the trust is just damn hard. I know and i accept that it will take lots of time. This wont be fixed in a month or even a year. But i have accepted that it will take time...and i have allowed myself the time to think, feel, process and work thru it at my own pace, at my own speed and in my own way. I will not allow anyone to force me to move faster than i am ready. I will not allow anyone to tell me "its been long enough, move on already".

This is a long journey. I am so sorry for your pain. But you are not alone in your struggles. The most important thing i can offer is to not rugsweep your feelings. Deal with them head on, own them and work thru them. Dont be discouraged when there are bumps in the road....because there will be bumps....but getting strong for YOU will help you over come those.

hugs to you!

learningtofeel posted 9/30/2013 15:45 PM

This has been very hard for me. We are about six months from Dday, although with TT it's more like about three from me having a sense of full disclosure. We are in IC and MC. In the last couple of weeks in MC the question has come up of whether or not I am ready to start looking at our relationship problems pre-Dday and to start that work. Every time it has come up I feel I am freaking out - falling apart with anger, hurt and anxiety. I guess that means I'm not ready to start tackling that, even though I know intellectually we will need to look at my part in what was wrong with our relationship. So I'm struggling with that process and wondering when I'll be ready, or if I should try to dive in now, or what. My fWS is being really patient and is working so hard, but I may still need to ask for more time, and I wish I didn't have to. I know that his As are not my fault, but I can't seem to separate his complaints about our relationship and his choice to have multiple As over many years. It's like if I start to acknowledge my part in the problems of our marriage, then somehow I am complicit in the As - even though I know that's not what we are going to be looking at. It's just so hard and so painful.

sisoon posted 9/30/2013 17:08 PM

Know what your requirements for R are; articulate them clearly; adjust them as appropriate as you go along/

Feel your feelings; don't hide or hide from them.

Communicate the good stuff.

Communicate about your issues.

Stand up for yourself.

Monitor your WS to make sure he's meeting requirements for R - and raise issues if he doesn't.

herongirl posted 9/30/2013 17:47 PM

For me (8 months out), it was allowing myself time to see if my WH really had it in him to change & to take stock of my life & what it would look like without him. I tried to focus on my strengths & everything else that was positive in my life. Getting back to my yoga practice also helped a lot. The stronger I felt in myself, the more I was able to express my needs & feelings without worrying that I would drive him away. Funny thing was, as he saw me growing stronger, he realized that perhaps I didn't need him so much as want him in my life. This had the dual effect of giving me a greater sense of peace & acceptance, while spurring him on to work harder on his part. Are we fully reconciled yet? Not by a long shot, but definitely further along than we were a few months ago. So for me, my part of the R process has been to try to regain my own inner strength & express it in a more honest way.

HurtButHopeful? posted 9/30/2013 23:39 PM

Good question, iwillNOT.

Since he is completely recommitted to our M and facing some of his pre-A FOO issues I am trying to not dwell on the A, or be fearful that he might do it again.

I am making efforts to not let my emotions get the best of me, but to remind myself of all the work he has done and how he has changed for the better.

I am forcing myself to do new things, whether it is with our children or by myself.

I'm not letting myself give up whenever I get upset.

I speak up and tell him my thought processes rather than get silent or angry, or behave in a PA way.

iwillNOT posted 10/1/2013 00:22 AM

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. You are giving me lots to think about, some of which I never even considered. I appreciate and value your insight. I am so blessed and grateful to have found such a wonderful, helpful community.

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