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BW doesn't know what to do...

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Sam793 posted 9/29/2013 18:45 PM

My BW struggles daily with what I did. I have know she wants to stay but can't deal with the the constant thoughts, the mind movies, the depression, and all that goes along with someone she trusted having an A. She approached me tonight and confirmed this. She said that she loves who I have become and she wants to stay with me on the other hand she can't deal with what I did to her and it should have been a deal breaker. She asked me for suggestions how to deal with this and I'm at a loss. Any suggestions on how I could ease her mind and help her with this?

authenticnow posted 9/29/2013 18:56 PM

IMO, an IC would be a huge help for her to figure this out.

emotionalgirl posted 9/30/2013 23:17 PM

I second the suggestion of IC. For myself journaling and reading has also helped allot. As BS each of us have a different timeline for our grief and anger. Some take longer than others.

I also find that writing letters to my WH and then shredding them is very helpful. I also describe the mind movies on paper and shred. For me it is cathartic and is meant to allow me to release these thoughts from my head and symbolically get rid of them and be done with them for now. This came as a suggestion a long time ago from my alanon sponsor and again recently from my IC. Some days I shred allot of paper!

I also found from journaling that I became aware of just how much of our problems were my fault. This doesn't excuse his EA that is all on him, but it did allow me to understand that we had issues and he used poor judgment in having the EA instead of coming to me and talking about our issues. I am 50 % at fault for the problems in our marriage.

Good luck I hope things work out.

Sam793 posted 10/1/2013 16:03 PM

Thank you for your comments. As I see IC as part of the answer, unfortunately to my BW it is not. She refuses to entertain that thought as she feels she knows what they are going to say. Most of what she feels that will be suggested is contained in emotionalgirls post and has pondered some of these. The only difference is that I'm 100% at fault.

Dallas2 posted 10/2/2013 10:26 AM


The A was 100% your fault. What happens now is both your responsibilty.
are you sure that for your BS- the A wasn't a dealbreaker? How far out are you? As a BS I know it takes a long long time to heal.

You can help her heal by being supportive. Try to listen to her and do not get angry at her for her feelings. Be HONEST with her at all times.

IC and MC can help you both. It gives you a nuetral place to discuss the A. Journaling can help. When I read some of the things I wrote in the first days and months it helps me understand I am truly in a better place.

I know as a BS that the past can't be erased but I need to know without a doubt that it will not be repeated. Maybe your BS is also concerned about this. You are the one who can helpwith this but again maybe some IC will help you help her.

ItsaClimb posted 10/2/2013 10:43 AM

I am a bit hesitant to post this, as I am not sure if this applies to your wife at all, obviously, what I am going to tell you applies to my own personal situation, your wife's situation may be completely different, she would need to be the judge of that. But I thought I'd tell you something that was discussed at my IC this week, that I found hugely helpful.

I spoke to my IC about how I really want to reconcile, but I feel that the past hurts are getting in my way - how will I ever feel completely "okay" with my husband again, in light of what he has done, how will I be able to move forward, with all of this baggage?

She explained to me how I have an "internalised version" of my husband in my head. This is the "insert his name here" that I believe him to be, based on my past experiences of him. At the moment that internalised version is pretty tainted by the A and all the fallout from it.

She went on to say that, provided my fWH is really doing the work and that I am sure that I want to be in this marriage, then what I need to do (if I choose to) is to toss away that "internalised version" of him. I basically need to act as though he is a stranger, and form a completely new impression of him, based on who he is NOW.

This is the "in a nutshell" version of what she said, there was quite a lot more to it.

To me this was quite a radical and intriguing concept. It's obviously not something a BS would want to do until you were SURE in your own mind that R is what you want and that the WS is fully committed etc.

I have given this a LOT of thought since IC. Really, what it means is that I will forgive him, isn't it? I mean, that's what forgiveness is IMO - giving someone a clean slate.

The thing she said that struck a chord with me is that while I am clinging to the current internalised version of him, nothing that he does now is going to be enough for me. I sooo get that!! Up to now, nothing he does HAS been enough. I totally see that. He will bring me flowers (or do some other nice thing) and on some level I will be "Wow, that's very nice, but you're still a liar and a cheat" Not good!

So this is something I am really stewing over in my mind. I'm really trying to get a handle on it.

Just thought I would share.

MissesJai posted 10/2/2013 10:49 AM

She refuses to entertain that thought as she feels she knows what they are going to say.
does she want to heal?

lieshurt posted 10/2/2013 10:55 AM

As I see IC as part of the answer, unfortunately to my BW it is not. She refuses to entertain that thought as she feels she knows what they are going to say.

I'm sorry, but to me this says she'd rather stay in limbo than move forward. Why ask for suggestions if she isn't going to listen to them? If she wants to heal, then she has to work at it too. It's unfortunate and definitely not fair, but it's true.

ladfa posted 11/6/2013 20:14 PM

When a person eat something and gets intoxicated the body learn to "hate" that for a period to protect itself. It's similar to whats happening to your wife. Her body doesnt accept you because of what you did, the trauma you caused her. And she wont be able to live in familiar terms with you as long as her psyche isnt healed. She may be consciously trying to overcome it, and sometimes in her outside it may seem like she did, but what matter is her unconscious. And there theres no political correcteness or "ooh, poor him. i hate seing him suffering". No, her subconscious was developed to protect her and for now you are a taste of something wich makes she puke...
The only two things you can do is:
_be pacient
_be loving


[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:21 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

ladfa posted 11/6/2013 20:15 PM

Oh, and thats why she "triggers" btw.

She-Ra posted 11/7/2013 02:11 AM

Hi Sam

I notice your BW hasn't posted on SI for nearly a year. I would think she could use the support here more than ever. Please suggest for her to come back here to talk with other BSs

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