SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't post much but I just needed to write. My story in short is in my profile.

I found out yesterday that my H has been talking to her the whole time he's been back and even seeing her. Lying to me about being out of town for work and seeing her.

Today he made a call to her and told her that it was done and he was serious about us working on our marriage (which I thought was the case when he came back 5 months ago). This is new because he did not call her or tell her anything when he came back. Just told me he was going to ignore her. I was present for the entire phone conversation. He did tell me that he loves her.

I'm just not sure where to go from here. How do I trust that he means it this time? That I won't be right back in this situation two months from now? How do I believe him when he goes out town? He does do that sometimes for work for real. I guess I'm just looking for advice from those that have had multiple ddays and from those that H's told they loved the OW. Just anything I guess really, feeling lost and alone right now.

My WH told me he loved the OW after he and I began reconciliation. It hurt like hell and actually shocked me. He was the one who wanted our marriage to work after I found out and told him to leave. Weeks later he said he thought it was love, but really it was just him in his fantasy world. Hurts either way. My WH did have 2 affairs I am aware of. The last one was over two years ago and it is so hard to be working on reconciliation and lately I have been wondering if it is worth the pain. I know my WH is doing everything he is able to do to help heal the marriage, but I am beginning to wonder if I can handle the work anymore.

It did hurt so bad!! It felt like an elephant had sat on my chest. He says he ready to do this now, but how can I believe him?

Janna, I'm so sorry. You can't believe him yet. He has to earn that back from you.

And yes, him telling you he loves her, even as he's supposedly breaking things off with her, has to be confusing and painful as hell.

One of the hardest parts of reconciliation is giving credit for only the REAL things, not the things we hope they are doing. That means you have to be a skeptic and be ruthless - even with yourself - about progress versus potential progress.

Don't give him trust when he isn't trustworthy.

Don't believe him until he is credible.

Don't give him credit for change until there is measurable, factual, provable change.

He hasn't done that for you yet. Don't feel guilty about that - that's all on him to earn from you.

((Jannarae))

I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are going through this again. FR is hell to overcome and I don't know if you ever get over it. It was bad enough to hurt you once, but to do it again or continue to do it after claiming to have stopped is even more painful for a BS.

I am a little over a year out from DDay#2 after a year of FR and I still am struggling with major trust issues. No matter what I can't seem to let myself trust him even a little, even though he hasn't given me a real reason to since OW tried in April to break NC again.

Luckily mine never claimed to be in love with the OW although he told her he was and gave her an engagement ring to shut her up (or so he claims). That is still a real sore spot for me and something I struggle with emotionally.

I am starting to get to a point of this is my marriage NOW and I can either accept it or file for D. Either one does not make me happy, but those are my choices. I really want the marriage that I thought I had before the A, but that was not real. Just as his affair was a fantasy in his mind, the marriage was a fantasy in mine. I have crushed my rose-colored glasses and replaced them with bifocals. All I can hope for now is to try and get some type of respect again for the man I married and hopefully some trust over a very long time. I guess that's all any BS can really do if they want to stay married to a wayward with multiple dday's. That's my .02 cents worth anyway. (((HUGS)))

So he lived with her for two years and then came back to you and never broke it off with her?

Ouch.

Honey, the only thing I can tell you is to bottle up all the hurt you are feeling and find your RAGE. Establish your boundaries and stick to them. Whatever you want, ask for it. If it is that he never travel for work again, then demand that. (I don't care what his job is, he can get a new one).

He has to defog and detox from a several year relationship with her. That is going to be very rough for all of you. Is he in IC? Are YOU in IC?

I had a second dday, and it was ungodly painful. I understand where you are. On that day though, all my empathy for him went out the window. It was hardcore from then on out - he did what I demanded or he was out on his ass. Do NOT accept anything but 110% from him. There is NO room for error on his part now. None.

You deserve so much more than this. Don't take any kind of crumbs.

Thank you ladies for the replies. As far as him finding a job that he won't travel with is kinda impossible for him, he's a truck driver. We are not in any counseling either of us. I think I made myself pretty clear in telling him there will not be a next time. If it happens again we are done and papers will be filed. He told me today that it will be okay because he's ready to do this now. Which might be good but I'm afraid to allow myself to hope. But I will stand my ground!

As far as him finding a job that he won't travel with is kinda impossible for him, he's a truck driver.

Actually, he can switch from being an OTR truck driver to being a local truck driver, so he can be home everyday.

Lots of people change careers.

Watch his actions. I would set a very strict timeline on what you need done and how long you will wait. I gave a week, for example.

Why aren't you in counseling? If I had a redo on my first d-day I would either insist on MC or I would be divorced. If you are hoping for decades more of marriage, you need MC and probably both of you need IC. It won't guarantee this won't happen again but it will decrease the odds. I know cost is probably a factor but if nothing else your church probably offers counseling.

This is true to go from OTR to local but the money isn't there and with only one of us working. But I told him that if he's staying out of town I want all the hotel info as far as room #, telephone number, everything. He agreed he would give it to me. He knows I'm serious this time, I've been stern not really mean just straight forward and more this is the way it is. But it's still there all the time and the doubt is worse than before.

Your story sounds exactly like mine - except that I found out a third time that he was still talking to her, despite counseling, despite telling me he was 100 percent done with her. The third time, I was present for the NC call, and also sent her BS a letter, though I don't know for sure that he got it.

I am still with him, though I often wonder why. I don't think I will ever fully believe that the A is over - he destroyed all hope I had in him. At this point I figure that he has probably gone underground with the A again, but for whatever reason I don't feel strong enough to leave him. We have a GPS tracker on his phone, but she lives close enough to his work that I know he could be seeing her anyway. It is horrible live in constant suspicion, but the alternative is a scary one. He obviously is a fantastic liar, so I really can't believe anything at this point.

It was hardcore from then on out - he did what I demanded or he was out on his ass. Do NOT accept anything but 110% from him. There is NO room for error on his part now. None.

Yep this is the only thing that has worked for me too. I have not let up on my boundaries and consequences for breaking them, not for a second. My WH knows where he stands and where we stand. One false move and he's gone.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:12 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Thank you for the replies and advice. Just going to have to take it day by day and hope that it was the last time.