SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ProbableIceCream posted 9/29/2013 22:47 PM

(yep, i'm still going out and being social quite frequently, but...)

It hurts a lot sometimes.

Saleschick posted 9/29/2013 22:51 PM

same here.....I did a charity event loaded with people 2 week ago. I was miserable. After leaving the event and driving home in the dark, I knew that I had no one waiting for me at home (other than my dog). I knew if I did not ever arrive home no one would care. That being said I am a fighter and I know there are a lot of people like us and they keep telling me it will get better. So I have faith and trust that it will!

tabitha95 posted 9/29/2013 23:01 PM

I had to get a birthday card for my dad today. I saw one for a husband to give to his wife...it said "to my heart". That made me sad. My heart is alone and no one loves me that way.

Brokenheart777 posted 9/30/2013 03:00 AM

Tons of us feel the same. Having a pet is a huge help. My cat is such a good companion. In time we will find another who is right for us and won't hurt us the way our exs have. Sorry you are feeling lonely. I feel the same often but feel I'm becoming more comfortable with being alone little by little.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/30/2013 05:49 AM

What is helping me right now is a Christmas job I got recently in retail.

I have always enjoyed working with guys in my youth because they are so fun. I had forgotten this for the last 15 years bc XWH was a drag. I have to tell you it is a blast laughing again.

To anyone out there if you can get a part time job in a sports-oriented store for Christmas help,, even though you might be like me ---NOT interested in anyone for a long time---it is still fun to let go of some of the pain and replace with laughter.

Sometimes I come home and I am still laughing --- which is a big change from the last 18 mos of my life -- lonely and pissed.

cayc posted 9/30/2013 08:00 AM

Oh ho ho, can I ever relate to this. Lonely by myself. Lonely with my friends. Just this low grade hum, always in the background.

The guy I'm "dating" doesn't live near me right now, and I don't have an end date for the LDR. Soon? Soonish? Idk. So no cure there.

I had the opportunity to be with my best girlfriend over the last few weeks (I was temporarily working in the city in which she lives). And lo and behold, not lonely. Not once with her, her husband and her kids (they are for all intents and purposes my family now, and her husband was equally betrayed my xWH so there are some strong bonds there).

So yeah, the light and fluffy and superficial will momentarily entertain me, but the cure for that loneliness? True bonds. Idk if this is partly an introvert thing (it takes work to feel close to people, and energy that I don't always have nor want to expend unless I'm sure of you).

I went the dog route. He's my little boon companion. Me and Little Dude against the world.

Just so you know, there was a time that every week I posted my "weekly whine", oh hey there SI, it's Cayc, back to moan and groan and get some hugs. NB-er's carried me through. Keep posting, even if you're saying the same stuff each time. It's okay. All of us know what it's like to go in circles for seemingly forever. Until the day it stops, and it will, I promise.

ProbableIceCream posted 9/30/2013 10:00 AM

cayc, I think you're on to something with the idea of the true bonds. And I hope that getting myself out there will foster some new friendships that will eventually lead to that.

Also, it tells me that I need to make sure I maintain the bonds I have with my daughter.

There's also this idea of learning to love yourself and be happy with yourself, and from what I've read an essential part of it is learning to not run away from or distract yourself from the bad feelings and the loneliness, but to simply allow them to happen. Preferably even practice allowing them to happen with no distractions (so basically meditating).

homewrecked, that's an interesting point, and I _do_ feel a little better when I'm around people. it's just that it's temporary. :)

tabitha, that is very sad. :(

Sales, I think it does get better if you're doing the right things for yourself. It just has the possibility of taking a long time...

But hey (shifting the focus back on myself), I'm also doing some other self improvement things that are long term, and the time will pass anyway, so may as well keep them up.

...

I will keep posting.

nowiknow23 posted 9/30/2013 10:03 AM

((((Probable)))) I understand, too. Sorry you're hurting.

better4me posted 9/30/2013 11:39 AM

Me too. Hanging in there, too. This may be just one of those plains of lethal flatness, and I'm hoping to find my peace again. ugh.

justabrokendream posted 9/30/2013 12:03 PM

my dog is my solace - I love her more than my ex-H or any of my prior relationships - she's loyal, loving and all the things my ex's weren't.

She treats me better than my son - but I'll give him a pass right now since he's 16.

Sorry for the t/j - hugs to you.....

[This message edited by justabrokendream at 12:04 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

cmego posted 9/30/2013 13:08 PM

I have amazing people around me, really great, true friends. Great dog. Kids that keep me constantly going.

But...that special connection to another person is missing. I do miss it. But not enough to just jump into a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. So, an underlining hum of disconnect. I have heard twice this week, "You make being a single mom look easy!" I wanted to . Outside people, especially married people, are clueless. So, yes, they are my friends, but really have no idea what my life is really like.

I think it is perfectly fine to miss having that kinda of connection to another person that isn't necessarily filled with friends and animals. We are human, we are supposed to have connections.

Williesmom posted 9/30/2013 13:38 PM

Yep. I have my dogs, and my best friend ( totally platonic male friend).

My family is always there if I need them, but they have busy lives of their own.

It's there. Get ready for the holidays - it's always worse then. Nothing sucks donkey balls more than being alone on Christmas Day.

We should make a Christmas card with that saying.

7yrsflushed posted 9/30/2013 14:24 PM

Right there with you and this is so true...

Outside people, especially married people, are clueless. So, yes, they are my friends, but really have no idea what my life is really like.

It's a no win, my guy friends even my family members that are men all say, 7yrs your free you can do what you want but they have no idea. I'm to the point where I just stop even trying to get them to understand because they can't.

And as has already been stated I am not looking forward to the holidays this year.

Saleschick posted 9/30/2013 23:19 PM

The two of us always went away and traveled to for Holidays and since I have no family local at all, I will be alone and assume it will suck. I am mentally preparing for it to be me the dog and whatever festivities I can find to watch on TV.

ProbableIceCream posted 9/30/2013 23:37 PM

I suppose it's a good thing I can't currently drink alcohol. :)

She11ybeanz posted 10/1/2013 15:15 PM

I am currently sick as a dawg and single.....which REALLY sucks being a single mom and sick. I would kill to have someone dote over me and take care of me and help me with my daughter so I can moan and whine and be properly sick and resting....but alas...I cannot. I've been single now for a year and a half. I was in a "rebound" relationship after my XWH that resulted in the birth of my daughter...who was a big SURPRISE.....but a good one!

Do I like being single? Not really. Do I wish I could find someone? OF COURSE! Have I had offers? Definitely. But, I won't settle. That is the key. You have to be picky to find true happiness. Don't be with someone to try to fill some void that you think you have. If you are trying to do that..... than you are supposed to be alone. Its when you don't feel that you have a void......when you will be ready to date. I'm working on myself....running....racing... taking care of my child... and hoping that one day... it will all be enough. And, when it is..... I will meet him. Until then.... I will just endure the loneliness with stride. You can do it too. One. day. at. a. time.

ProbableIceCream posted 10/1/2013 19:58 PM

I think it's okay to want a sense of community at least, but of course that's what the socializing and volunteering and so on are for. To move closer to that.

k94ever posted 10/2/2013 08:13 AM

There's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

I didn't choose to be on this path, but it's the one I'm on and I'm walking it the best I can. Yes....there are times where the "one-ness" becomes overwhelming and at those times I hug my animals close and call a friend. I've been blessed with amazing friends who are happy to walk with me for a bit on my path to support me.

I'm really good most of the time because I "fulfill" myself 95% of the time. I'm happy with my life. Do I also miss that special connection with someone? Yes...but I know we will find each other when it's supposed to happen and until then I'm tackling my issues and exploring new and different experiences.

As for the holidays........the first Christmas alone I did a "Transformer" movie marathon. The second I did "Leverage" and this year I'm doing the Marvel movies marathon. I even put up a small Christmas tree last year and this year I'm in the mood to decorate some for the upcoming holidays.

My biggest worry is that I'll die and no-one finds me until the dogs and cats have started eating on me because they are hungry. I haven't found anyone who I feel comfortable with yet to call every day just to let them know I'm still alive and kicking.

Yes...those "lonely times" suck. But the old saying "fulfillness comes from within" is very true. I don't EVER want to think I have to depend on someone else to be fulfilled.

k9